Touching a sleeping partner intimately

[mummy1428]

My husband has never been delighted with our sex life. I'm fairly unadventurous and our sex is "routine" but in my opinion frequent enough for a couple with two young kids and full time jobs. Last night as we were going to sleep he had a go at me for never touching or kissing him. He maybe had a point but I just told him I was tired and going to sleep. I then woke up at 6.45am with his fingers inside me. I got such a fright and jumped out of bed asking what the fuck he was doing. He claimed he was "trying to wake me up for morning sex". We never have sex in the morning and he would know 100% that I would not want to be woken up by that ever.. or by anything at 6.45am! I truly believe he was just horny and wanted to touch a vagina so he went ahead and did his thing, completely dehumanising me. I don't want to destroy our whole family for this but it has made me feel so sick I don't see how we can move forward. Does anyone have any advice? I should add that he can be quite degrading in other ways too - groping me or making comments about my bum/boobs. He also gets sulky if I am "still" on my period or we haven't had sex for a while. I suspect he pretty much has sex on his mind 24/7. I will never be enough for him in that respect so what do I do?!

Honestly? I'd be looking to leave him. He's treating you terribly and that was an awful thing to do to you.

So if you don't want to break up immediately - you tell him all this behaviours stops or you will leave and if he doesn't stop, leave.

I'm sorry this happened to you

That’s assault. He assaulted you. He had no right to insert his fingers into you like that. If it was me, I’d be leaving him for that. He’s vile.

You won't be breaking up your family, he will be with his abusive behaviour.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Sounds like you are exhs new girlfriend.

He was a twat when I had my period. He complained i was always tired. Not surprising really when he use to keep waking me up by prodding and poking at my vagina till 2am every night and waking me up. He knew I hated it and didnt want it. Its sexual assault.

When me and do first got together we had a romantic day and evening planned. Mid afternoon I got my period. I remember coming doe his stairs and apologising. He looked horrified that I was apologising for getting my period. It was then that he started to understand that's how I had been living for 15 years.

Dp wasnt in the slightest bit bothered. He offered to make some food and told me where he kept ibuprofen if I needed it and we cuddle up on the sofa, then got into bed and cuddled up. No rejection, no sulking, no withholding affection.

I won't call that intimate touching. I'd call it sexual assault.

Sorry didnt mean you are exhs new girlfriend. Just that your husband and him sound so similar, it's what I expect she would write.

Idk, I might be in the minority here, but that I think the problem is that you just have completely different love languages... or maybe you don’t fancy him any more? Not that he tried to initiate morning sex.

‘Groping’ you, and making ‘comments’ about your bum/boobs, to me sounds like a guy trying to show affection, if it makes you uncomfortable that’s fine, but i don’t think you can vilify him for it.

Obviously people need different things in a relationship. Some people need touch and affection, others don’t. Neither is wrong, maybe you’re just not compatible 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yup, this is sexual abuse. I couldn't ever trust him again. I certainly would never, ever, ever sleep in the same bed as him again. Ever.

@Tulio what the actual fuck are you talking about. Nothing you said is at all relevant.

If you'd be happy with someone inserting their fingers into your vagina when you were asleep and without permission, you need to get some bloody new values.

Groping’ you, and making ‘comments’ about your bum/boobs, to me sounds like a guy trying to show affection, if it makes you uncomfortable that’s fine, but i don’t think you can vilify him for it.

That's not affection. Especially, if you have been told the other person doesnt like it.

The fact you know he knows you wouldn't like it, takes away any 'grey area' or confusion that some women can feel. He is touching you against your will. This is assault every time.

These threads appear with depressing regularity. Would these gropy, entitled men do this to a random woman in the street or at work? No, because it would be sexual assault - with consequences, yet they feel it's perfectly acceptable to do it to their partners.

** I am not saying there is a grey area but some women can feel that way.

‘Groping’ you, and making ‘comments’ about your bum/boobs, to me sounds like a guy trying to show affection, if it makes you uncomfortable that’s fine, but i don’t think you can vilify him for it.

Sweet Jesus. Do some people grow up so starved of affection that they think this is affection?

Tulio trying to initiate morning sex doesn't start with someone shoving their fingers up your vag while you're asleep ffs.

There was another thread about this recently. It IS sexual abuse. I'd never trust him again. He violated you and your marriage. What a bastard, I'm so sorry.

Groping’ you, and making ‘comments’ about your bum/boobs, to me sounds like a guy trying to show affection, if it makes you uncomfortable that’s fine, but i don’t think you can vilify him for it - can't vilify him for it? I beg to differ!

NO ONE talks about my bum/boobs or gropes me without my permission. And just because you happen to live with someone, or even be married to someone, does not mean that they have Carte Blanche to treat you as a piece of meat. You are not owned by this other person, and if you don't want sex, cuddles, groping or comments about your body, that is YOUR RIGHT!

Damn right I can vilify him. Language of love, my arse! He should know and respect the fact that you consent to sex/intimacy, and if you are asleep, you cannot consent.

Get rid. Take back control over your own body, FFS.

@Luckingfovely tbh if my husband did that in the morning i’d be down. I get it’s a personal thing for sure. But it’s not ‘someone’ it’s your husband and surely that means it’s the one person you want to have sex with out of anyone in the world (you’d hope!) - not talking about the OP here, just in general! Have you never woken up a partner in a sexy way? Is that not PC any more?

Just went back over the post and saw she said ‘he would know I’d never want to be woken up like that’ so fair enough. I get your point, that’s me not reading properly the first time, soz! But don’t get so angry 💆🏻‍♀️

@Tulio Sounds like something me and my DP would together, wake each other up for morning sex or grope each other or make suggestive comments about the other’s body because we are both adults that enjoy that. However the OP doesn’t enjoy that, had probably made it very clear to her partner that she doesn’t enjoy that and clearly states that it’s not something that they would do together.

THAT is the difference. It’s not a case of her vilifying him because he has a “different love language”. He doesn’t give a shit about what she wanted, even someone who expressed their love in a different way would cease it if it was distressing to their partner and clearly the OPs partner isn’t doing that.

Go read up on sexual assault and don’t ever suggest to someone that what they’ve experienced is just a case of “love language” again. Would you say the same if she woke up to him with his penis inside of her? Cause unless she’s expressly stated that she is ok with that, it’s rape and sexual assault. Sodding apologist.

This is assault. End of.

OP - given that your H knows you’d not have liked morning sex - the behaviour is clearly not acceptable.
What you do with it is up to you.

But on a different note - I do agree with another poster who said that you have some issues in that dept.
Your H clearly has higher drive/needs. And you perceive sex as a chore.
It is not degrading when a loving sexual partner finds his partner sexy and mentions it. It is ok to be open about it and touch each other in appropriate ways in public.
This is what he is doing. And it sounds that normal expression of sexuality makes you uncomfortable.
What’s unclear is if it’s in general, or specific to your H.
Having ‘enough unadventurous sex, for a working couple, in your opinion’ sounds like a recipe for disaster, eventually

@ptumbi fair enough! Totally just thinking of my own experience so very narrow minded.

For the record I don’t think anyone should be treated as a piece of meat and I appreciate this OP isn’t into her husbands brand of ‘affection’ or whatever you’d call it. But that doesn’t mean every husband who says his wife has a nice butt or gives it a squeeze is dehumanising her. Or am I also dehumanising my husband is I say he’s looking particularly hot?

I get in this instance OP has specified to him she doesn’t like it. But in the wider sense, can you see what I mean?

@MissingTheMissletoe in the post above yours I did say I went back and re-read, I didn’t catch the part where she said he knew she didn’t like it on the first read. I thought she meant she would expect him to know - like I said my fault for reading too fast!
Totally get what you’re saying 🙂

I once read a thread like this out to my husband, now whenever once of us wakes the other in an 'intimate manner' we end up in fits of giggles saying "call the police you assaulted me" "I want a divorce" etc. Ruined a lovely bit of our sex life.

That said OP if it is not something you have ever discussed or agreed to and added to other issues you mention at the very least you need a serious chat about your relationship

Hi @mummy1428 I hope you're ok, I'm linking below my own thread on basically the same issue i had in January.

We have two young boys and I ended up leaving, this was the drive I ended up finding to leave after just being generally unhappy for a while, a lot since has come to light that has made me extremely happy I left. I felt constantly sexually degraded by him, I became an anxious shell of myself, to an extent I only realise after leaving.

Possible assault from husband http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3487105-possible-assault-from-husband