He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

big hug for you....its so hard isn't it...how long have you been together...what has instigated the split x

Thank you sausage. I guess a remark i made was the catalyst...i told him his behaviour was abusive which resulted in a huge row and major offence was taken. He said he no longer feels safe around me and is leaving to protect himself.
I was devastated but I could not take back what I said as it is true. This all started months ago.

You poor thing.
Could you take the kids out for a couple of hours?

Bless you. Stay out of his way.

Keep out of the way and don't engage. you can do this

Hard thought it'll undoubtedly be I'd recommend you oversee what he's taking away. You certainly shouldn't expect he'll be "fair" in what he decides he should have.
As for who owns what, you're married & the household goods are marital assets regardless of whether he bought them or not.
See what he's moving & if it's something you/dcs need or really want then say no to it going. Similarly if you know he's taking what he absolutely has no earthly use for/hates say no.

What you are going to do without him is become a stronger independent person. Take the kids out for the duration.

Well, if you show any attachment to anything, he'll make of point of demanding it.

So staying out of the way is probably the best course of action until you collect his key (change the locks anyway as soon as he goes, whether he hands it over without argument, hurls it at you or insists he has the right to keep it).

Once he's gone, it'll be a lot calmer and you can breathe properly - secure the door from the inside, get a takeaway, switch your phone off, watch whatever you want on telly (if he hasn't taken it), have a bath and get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow you can go through what's gone and what you actually need to replace - and get exactly what YOU want, not what he would have chosen.

It'll be OK.

He said he no longer feels safe around me and is leaving to protect himself.

My ex abusive husband used to say this! God they're all the same.

I think I am just so scared about taking care of myself he is such a big rescuer. He has been there to 'save' or help me so often. But then he will use the kind deed againt me and say how ungrateful I am. I always believed him and really dud not like myself. Trying hard to think differently about myself now tho. Not always successfully but I'm slowly getting better.

If there is anything you don’t want him to take and think he might, try and move/hide it without him seeing. Also make sure you have your own important documents somewhere safe.

let him take his stuff OP, it can be replaced. He is playing power games and playing the victim to boot. No longer feels safe around you but has the time to turn up with a van and make comments designed to inflame the situation and hurt you? . He sounds a nightmare OP.

Let him get on with it, don't give him the satisfaction, set a deadline for his removal activities so he can't spend all day making a performance out of it. I'm sure your DC know who he is.

Don't doubt yourself OP, It sounds like you may just have claimed the rest of your life back.

You’re a grown woman. Of course you can take care of yourself and your children. Be strong.

No longer feels safe? PAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Pathetic. All that means is that he's realised you aren't falling for his gaslighting and abuse excuses anymore.

Let him think that he's 'protecting himself' - it's a damn sight easier for you if he thinks this is hurting you more than staying, as at least you don't have to try and get him out.

Brilliant response "take what you think you should"

Things are replaceable, but he'd take anything you said to leave and leave what you said to take for control and to affect you.

He's now left totally unsure of what to do.

Stay out if his way whilst he ponders.

He hasn't rescued you.
He caught you at a weak moment, promised to rescue you and then proceeded to grind you into dust.

He's a wasteman.
This is his new house, leave him there. 🗑

Keep busy and keep away/NC with him for 3 months and see how you feel. Much more yourself, I should imagine.

I agree with other posters keep an eye on what he's taking. It's obvious he's trying to twist it and make himself the victim.You have outed him in his abuse so he knows he is losing his control.
Today will be horrible for you but we are all here for you x

Your replies are much appreciated. I don't feel so alone. I am crying tho.... he's just come back... he would explode if he saw this. Wth am I doing hiding like a naughty child. Ahhh tooo many emotions

Still hiding. Crying because your words are kind and I feel supported all be it by strangers. Thanks guys

Go out. Do something nice with your day and let this be the begining of the next, better stage of your life. Just walk out now and ask him to post the key through the letterbox when he's done ( then change the locks anyway). Don't look back

Don’t let him take everything, you May not be able to afford to replace but I bet he could.

Thinking of you.

you got this @Allinadaystwerk , just think how nice your life will be without him he would explode if he saw this you don't have to worry about this any more!!

Mine left 5 months ago, I instigated that because of EA etc
He is coming today to visit ds.
The thought of seeing him still crushes me, he was the only one to make me feel safe. Ever.
But it does get better I promise you. Cry if you like, tears are words the heart can’t say. It’s OK to not be ok.
Try to remember why this is happening. If you were both happy he wouldn’t be leaving.
For me, staying together would have been more miserable than parting.
Sending you love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Bet he takes the tv, cousin in laws a solicitor & they say men always ask for custody of the telly before talking about child access.

Have you got anyone you can tel irl?