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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

250 replies

Allinadaystwerk · 13/07/2019 13:44

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 14/07/2019 11:27

@spicegirls this house is rented in both names. Way too much for me alone so I'll need to move soon too.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 14/07/2019 11:27

Every time he does this to you and you let him it makes it easier for him to do it again, he's just breaking you down bit-by-bit

ThanosSavedMe · 14/07/2019 11:27

Just think of when you move to your own place he will not be able to come and go as he pleases. The sooner you move the better everything will be. You won’t have the threat of him turning up hanging over you

PicsInRed · 14/07/2019 11:28

You haven't done it. He still lives there if he's coming and going as he wants.

Significantly, he doesnt necessarily LEGALLY live there, if he's moved his personal possessions out and moved in somewhere else.

You need to actually change the locks (as if he doesn't have a key, as if) and call the police to remove him WHEN he comes around trying to gain entry to your property.

PicsInRed · 14/07/2019 11:30

These people take kindness, politeness and accommodation for weakness, which they absolutely despise - and will despise you for it.

You need to show strength, power and a willingness to involve the authorities. That, he is more likely to respect, then leave you alone.

thespicegirlsplatformshoes · 14/07/2019 11:32

Have you spoken to the landlord? You should get him removed from the lease so you can change the locks.

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 11:55

picsinred is right. You have to ACT. You can't continue to be passive and nicey nice and hope he will leave like he said he would. You've a farts chance in hell of that happening. You gotta put your foot down and they wont like that, so you may have to call the police but you can't shy away from that, it's all or nothing. And if it's nothing, he'll be moving back in.

I say involve the sister. When she comes over advise her that his deadline for moving everything our is tonight and after that, if there's anything else he has forgotten, SHE will need to come pick it up.

The fact that you co-rent is potentially game changing. OP you have to start thinking 3 steps ahead. He will already be thinking about how he can use something like that to his advantage.

Does the money normally come out of your account? If so you can phone when he is gone to take him off the lease at least. He will also count on you not being able to afford the rent and try to use that to move back in.

Either way, best you move out as soon as you can too. If there is a while left on the lease, have you room to take in a lodger to help pay? That might also make it easier to keep ex away as he wont want to show his nasty side infront of a random if he comes over.

But yeh, start thinking threes steps ahead. And as if you are in a war and he is the opposing general and he wants to obliterate you. Because that is how he thinks about you for standing up to him and he isn't going to stop when you roll over and show him your belly.

Allinadaystwerk · 14/07/2019 12:45

@teafor.. your post just scared the hell out of me.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 14/07/2019 12:50

There are plenty of us here who have left abusive men and can support you through this, OP.

Allinadaystwerk · 14/07/2019 12:52

And I'm sure gonna need it. Doyoumind

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 14/07/2019 12:58

I need to plan this one carefully step by step. Step 1- get him fully out of here by becoming a big grey boulder..
Step 2. Beat my disability so I can Secure my own income and find a new place to live
Step 3. Win at life
Sorry I'm being flippant and silly but It just seems mountainousAngry but let me start at step 1 and see how we go.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 14/07/2019 13:03

I am quite worried about you - his behaviour is very controlling and scary and this looks normal to your children if they are not getting upset.

For their sake please speak to womens aid.

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 13:03

xD good, be scared, hopefully it'll scare you into action. You can do it OP! Just think, if you are really firm and brave in the early stages, you wont have to spend the rest of your days cowering and pandering to him. You've had to do enough of that already!

I know you don't want to make things a war, no sensible person would want that. But the thing is...you are not dealing with a sensible person. And he's already drawing up his battle plan :/

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/07/2019 13:04

Step by step is the way to do it.

Know that you don’t have to do each step alone. You can call on outside assistance to do it.

For step one that could mean involving your landlord, a locksmith, your family, his family, women’s aid, the police. Dont think you have to do it all alone.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 14/07/2019 13:26

Gosh be safe!

whatnow40 · 14/07/2019 13:57

OP - I'm routing for you. I have physical disability that includes chronic pain. I had a narc boss who bullied and abused me to the point that he told me I was unemployable, and I believed him. After a protracted disciplinary proceeding against me, that was totally made up, I was given money to walk away and sign a non disclosure agreement.

I set up my own business 18 months ago and am kicking ass. I secured a project this week worth £100k.

If his bullshit and stress makes your condition worse, you will flourish without him. Believe in yourself!

Sagradafamiliar · 14/07/2019 15:23

You can't grey rock him out of there, All (amazing username btw!). You need to take action. Change the locks, remove his keys if you don't suspect he'll have had copies cut, advise him of his final deadline and after that, anything he has 'forgotten' can be left in the garden or donated to charity. He's demonstrating his dominance and confusing your DS by coming and going and lurking about.

He doesn't feel safe anymore, alright. He's spent so long thriving off being abusive, that the knowledge of you are onto him has thrown him and taken away his safety net.

Sagradafamiliar · 14/07/2019 15:25

Of you being onto him*

tolerable · 14/07/2019 16:18

with all respect,and love in the world. step1 is impossible if youre going to do it this way.please call womens aid.i honestly regret nothing in my life(-and its been more of a series of unfortunate events than lemony snicket could conjure up.)..except praps,not going to w.a sooner. ..they will actuallyhelp you.and your kids.you can be free. At the moment youre tangled in a game which will get you noplace,destroy your confidence and steal your soul.for nothing.for absolutely nothing....Its not your game.you dont have to bloody play. ..every time he steals back even the slightest bit of control hes still playing.I think you probably are big nuf,hard enuf-to be stonehenge. ask for help.this will weaqr you out

Bob5 · 14/07/2019 18:51

He is marking his territory and letting you know he is still "in charge". Little steps, dont stress too much but make sure you know where your lines are and how much attention you are prepared to give him. You will get there, it took me a long time to mentally disentangle myself from Ex-H but the relief is huge when you realise you are making decisions without thinking of his opinion.

Allinadaystwerk · 14/07/2019 18:56

Well I had the talk. I told him he can't be coming and going ike he is as it is very stressful. I asked for a deadline. I was very calm and straight faced and serious. He was so shocked and just looked at me like he wanted me to die a painful death. I walked away. He then came to the room i was in and told me he considers me 'an enemy' and he too 'finds me stressful' I said, ok ...And the deadline is? He said he will not return unless he has my permission and threw the key on the table. I now have a ball of anxiety in my stomach and palpitations in my heart. But Its a start

OP posts:
Bob5 · 14/07/2019 19:01

Wow! Well done Allinadaysterk that shows steel in you that he obviously didnt expect. Am in awe.
Plus you go your key back so no way he can let himself in when you're out!

Redshoeblueshoe · 14/07/2019 19:01

That's good. Can his sister pick up anything else ?

Allinadaystwerk · 14/07/2019 19:06

His sister doesn't drive

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 14/07/2019 19:07

Oh well done! You did the hardest bit.

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