He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

OP you are a legend- v strong, clear headed re what you have to do & powering through the pain. You miss what he never was & are now free to heal & enjoy your own self x

Hey OP, I've been keeping an eye on your thread daily. Just wanted to check in. I hope you have a good day today. I'm almost 3 years down the line from you but it's resonated enormously. Freedom to just be you is absolutely priceless!! Rooting for you and yours ❤️xx

Thank you for checking in folks it means alot and is hugely helpful. The less I see him the stronger i feel. I do wonder how best to support my DS the last 2 times he saw his DF he came back and told me the things he was saying to him such as 'you need to be grateful unlike your DM who doesn't realise how much work it took to be successful. She cannot help you be a success in life only I can do that for you' He always insists that we show gratitude and respect. I want to be able to give my DS strategies on how to deal. I read about observe but don't absorb tecnique but how-to explain to an 11yr old without bad mouthing his Df is hard.

Have a chat to his school about some counselling. They might have someone in house or they can recommend where to go.

Those sort of comments will be hard for him to deal with and someone outside of the situation may help him sort through it.

If you want to address it, maybe talk about relationships and what an equal one looks like. How you and his dad weren’t able to have one so it ended.

And that there is no way he would have been successful without you looking after the home.

Your doing really well. Keep strong 💐

Tell your son while it is polite to listen to daddy, it does not mean just because daddy says it that it is true.
That your DS can come and talk to you any time he wants, that you can look things up on the internet.
Most importantly, that success comes from inside a person. That you can succeed in many ways, money , art, love and even just been someone who spreads happiness.

I would have just said 'Well that is an odd thing to say isn't it?' and maybe add 'Your father and I have different ideas of what successful means. For me it is having freedom, happiness and a son whom I adore' ticklehug

Having said that, 11 is old enough to learn the basics of personality disorders I guess. Just, might be risky to say something about it seen as he might say to dad. Maybe hold off a few years, once he starts really questioning dads behaviour you can explain to him.

Sound advice... Thank you

Hey just popping by to say you’re doing amazingly and it’s great you’re consciously not badmouthing his father.

Hope you’ve got support x

"Dad is angry with me, try not to dwell on it, he shouldn't be saying these things to you but hopefully he'll get over it soon"

Thank you for these pearls of wisdom. DS refuses to speak to me about his visits with his dad now. He just says 'it was ok but I don't want to talk about it' I tell him that's fine but if ever you do I am right here and will listen. I find myself still missing H alot these last few days. Which is absolutely crazy i know but as mentioned before its the dream i had of who i wanted him to be (and who occasionally he was) that I'm missing. I guess its hard to come to terms with the fact we will never be together again. But the minimal contact we have had has been cold and difficult. He makes a better grey rock that me - if I'm stone henge he is Gibraltar or maybe mount Rushmore with all the personalities.
oops look how i have rambled on and so few read this thread anymore except a very lovely one or two 💖. I think I must be lonely 😄

Of course you're lonely you silly bat!

Perfectly understandable - feelings don't just disappear in an instant! what you miss is the ideal him and it's good you recognise that. Even if you got together again, it could never, ever be the same. You know what he's capable of now.

So true @Marian
Every day is a new battle to 'keep my chin up' as they say. I just got a text from him saying he will stop paying rent from this month but no mention of money for DS I just can't be bothered to answer. Knowing him as I do I think he plans to ruin me... he does that to his 'enemies'
Makes me wonder whether I was safer with him??..
Nope definately not... I may have been safer financially but my sanity and self esteem was definitely in danger- head wobbled back to clarity. Off to the job sites CV updated...

Yes girl! Just read through this entire thread! You're incredibly strong! You can do anything you set your mind to. He sounds like a right shit head! ❤️

He can't break you if you don't allow him to! I'm routing for you! You can and you will do this!

There is a certain feeling of safety in familiarity, even if that familiarity is a bad one, dont be fooled, one day at a time ,I promise you will get there xx

Thanks peeps. I'm a bit of a saddo but MN has really helped me through this. Just reading all the different stuff on here I laugh cry identify roll my eyes and learn new things and even offer my opinion now and then but not very often tbh. I am a lurker 🙈

@nycto it's that familiar feeling. Night times and first thing in the morning. Sleeping Next to this big hunk of a man and waking up with him.. Ahh then facing a day full of criticism and anxiety about whether I was good enough clever enough too ugly or just plain wrong .... Ahh yes I really miss him. Wow I sound like a crazy woman. Have mercy! I am booked to see my counsellor next week I think I need to 😄

Try to do one nice thing a day to make you feel better.
Compliment a stranger, buy a small treat for a friend, dance madly with your DC, make a cake together, go for a walk.
KOKO

Be kind to yourself. u are def a rock just read your posts back to yourself and you will see how well you are doing 💐

I don't get on here often OP but your thread is the first thing I check. I think you're doing brilliantly. Little steps and sometimes just surviving is actually OK in the early days. Like others have said, be kind to yourself. I'm glad you've got the Co unsee sorted too. Xx

@Allinadaystwerk you are doing brilliantly. I know it's hard to see for yourself but one day you will see yourself as others do-strong, brave, intelligent and worth so much more than what you've gone through.
Sending hugs xxxx

Thats good to know @totallyoutnumbered thanks for checking in.

I too keep checking in on you - I am waiting for your anger to kick in. I think eventually you'll look back and HATE him. And then move on and be indifferent to him. I hope you'll be back to update in a year or two once your life is sorted, way better and you are happy with yourself and without him. I love these updates.

Keep grey rocking, and make sure you don't forget all the bad when reminiscing. Have you given notice on the house since STBEUB (love it!) isn't going to pay the rent?

Have you thought about where you might live/move to?
Keep going OP. You've got this.