He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

Hello again. Just checking in. we went out for some food and have just got back. I feel calm right now and a bit more able.. if thstcmakes sense. He is nowhere to be seen and nothing more has been taken. He will return I'm sure. And that's when I'll probably get anxiety agsin. I've read a brief article about grey stone/rock but its a new concept to me... I'm not sure I want to become an insignificant grey rock. But it seems like the only way. Anyone else used this approach?

I have not used that approach, as I only heard about it after my abusive ex left. I never got a chance to use it.

So many hugs to you, OP. It hurts like hell right now but in time, it will start to hurt less. Stay strong. Be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to.

You got this.

If he turned up huffing and puffing then hasn't taken much after you went out it means he wants an audience. It could be he wants to hurt you, or possibly have you beg him to stay. Don't give him the satisfaction. Take control and give him a date to be out by and don't stick around to watch. If he doesn't play ball put the minimum in bon bags for him and text him to pick it up.

View it less as an insignificant grey rock and more as a magnificent solid immovable rock, such as Stonehenge or an Easter Island statue. Whatever rains upon you, whatever storms you must weather, you will remain calm and still and uneffected. You will be a point of solid shelter and security for yourself and your children.

You WILL cope

He wasn’t rescuing him you he was controlling you
I get that you felt safe, but you’re actually safer now!

You should get the locks changed but for now do whatever you need to do so he can’t use his keys

If he says he’s coming back for more stuff, tell him to send you a list of what he wants(then you can put it outside/in the garage) you don’t have to allow him access as he pleases it’s YOUR home now 🌷

Have you started looking for s cheaper place to rent? Or is it yours and you need to sell?

You .will cope, honest 🍫🌷

He'll have left something behind intentionally so he has to contact you to come and get it, it's what they do to intentionally drag out the hurt and pain by them leaving. My ex was abusive for 20 years to me and he decided he wanted to leave after that )probably around the time I had completely stopped giving a shit about him and was staying wrongly for the kids). The first thing I felt when he said he was leaving was relief. Then I had a whole range of emotions: upset, sad, confusion, denial, anger etc. I decided I needed to see a counsellor. She told me it's like the grief of losing someone so you are essentially going through the grief cycle. you will experience this is in your own time, in your own way and in your own pattern. There is no right way or wrong way to go through it, it's individual to you but you will go through each stage.

I think as it's early days you will still have that bond with him and feel quite crap (sorry but I'm being honest), will try to accommodate him, may even want to stay friends so that he is still in your life etc etc. After my counselling I learned that a lot of the messages he was sending me were just to keep me hooked. I started grey rocking him about 6 months after he left, I only whatsapp and I only talk about bills and the kids. Even up until February this year he was trying to hoover (don't think it worked out with the OW he left me for but did't surface til 5 months after he left).

For example, I have 3 dogs. They have always been "my fucking dogs" according to hijm. I do everything for them; he probably walked them about 10 times the whole time we were together. He hasn't bothered his arse to ask about them since he left July 2017 - Feb this year he messages asking if I would meet him with the dogs so he can walk them because he misses them. It's shit like this that stokes my fire and I grey rock his BS like this all the time.

I would suggest if you can get yourself some counselling, even if it is just to go through your thoughts, ideas and feelings out loud with someone, you will feel better for it day by day. Grey rock sounds like an alien concept now but believe me in a year's time it will be your best friend and you will use it a heck of a lot!

I'm wondering whether I will get some BS message tomorrow as it would have been our 19th wedding anniversary

@maude I like that explanation. An unshakeable rock that no #%%&# can mess with! Now that's a goal right there. Thanks for the perspective.

@scotgal thanks for the reassurance. I am seeing a counsellor she helped me realise the abusive nature to some if his behaviours. When I told her specific incidents she was horrified and said straight away...this is abusive. I knew she was right. I think grey rock is the answer I will read more about it.

@incredibly I have started looking for cheaper rentals but dont feel strong enough to make the leap right now. Going to have to soon though.

@Allinadaystwerk it's good you have the counsellor, if she is a good one she will help you immensely to get through this. You are stronger than you think and you will get there. As it is new and raw, take it an hour at a time or a day at a time, whatever makes you feel comfortable and relaxed. He will still try and control your life - don't let him, it's not his life to control anymore. You make all the decisions about your life, keep control of your own life and don't let him grind you down, You got this!!! x

Why do they do it? Why be that way?

What makes a narc a narc? It is so destructive and harmful isn't it!
Do you believe they choose to behave like this or are they victims too?

Part of me still loves him alot. He is an impressive man in many ways
I want good things for him.

Sorry I'm sharing random thoughts that come into my head.

I don't know, OP, if this applies to you, but in my area the council have funds for situations like this, relaetd to Housing Benefit - worth a pop to the council office to ask.

Self refer to the local support for domestic abuse too - they will be able to offer emotional support and signpost you to financial support if any is appropriate.

I hope the weekend has no more dramas for you.

It's horrible for a while then so much Better, well done you

Oooh he's back
.. grey rock..grey rock.. grey rock

Heart's pounding.
Don't feel in physical danger just to be clear. Just the thought of a conversation or argument brings anxiety.
I'm in my room listening to his breathing and footsteps.. so familiar. Shall I just stay where I am and talk to you guys?.

My DS just called to him dad are you going...(no response).. dad? And he just left the house again. Poor ds...Don't know why he returned for 2 mins then left. I'm going investigate. And hug my ds

@Allinadaystwerk, I'm still confused as to whether my STBXH was a narc or just an abusive arsehole, so I can't say whether they can just have one sort of label as IMO the behaviours and traits they all exhibit can overlap. If he was abusive you will find "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft will open your eyes to why and how these abusers do the many, many horrible things that they do. It is a read that will make you cry and bring a lot of painful feelings to the surface but it is worth it to get some of the pain out and to help you understand a heck of a lot more about abusive people. In saying that I still find it very hard to think that my ex was a vile, disturbed human being even though he pinned me to an elevator wall by my throat, smashed our first set of wedding rings with a hammer, kicked holes in doors, threw a phone at me etc etc. I think we don't appreciate that because we have put up with so much abuse for many, many years that it will take us a long time to fully recover. I read somewhere that someone who has been through a sustained period of abuse has symptoms similar to PTSD in a war veteran and I could quite believe that's true. There is plenty of stuff on t'internet about narcs to help understand them more too.

Oh he's playing such games. I'm sorry if you've already answered this. Can someone come over and be with you tonight? For a start, can you leave the key in the door so that he can't get back in? Xxx

Can you secure the house so he can't get back in tonight? Be strong OP x

It's not a matter of choice, it's just who they are. Big pools of...empty. And no, they are not victims.

I used to run a wee group where we would get together to chat about our experiences with narcissists and help one another and always remember one guy telling me that his grandparents were lovely, loving people and he found it so upsetting when people implied THEY had caused his mother to be the monster she was.

I think some people are just genetically more prone to it and sure, certain things like difficult childhoods might help bring it about but I don't think they were all 'poor hard done by victims'. And even if they were, they still know the difference between right and wrong. They aren't victims (even the ones that try their best to get you to believe they are). Just predators.

Bet he just came back to check if you were home xD

Are you not going to change the locks? Because otherwise it is possible he isn't going to stay gone.

My ex said I was emotionally abusive. It is classic isn’t it- almost funny.

Keep strong. Sending big 🤗

Not sure i can change the locks but I can lock the door. But what if he trys and then creates a big scene. I would rather he come and go in peace.
I feel exhausted and in lots of pain. This is usual for me when it's been a stressful day. I want it to be next year when this will be over.
Still each day as it comes.
I cannot thank you all enough for holding my hand today. What a great group of responders.
I do have supportive family but they have not answered my calls today and I know they have some stuff of their own to deal with right now. It's been easier to talk to you who are not emotionally tied or connected iykwim? So thank you.

You're doing brilliantly. Big stuff had happened today. Hold you DS close and breathe out. I know the feeling so well. I hope your family get back to you soon. Leave the keys in t by e lock. He can't just come and go. Absolutely not. That's no rest for you at all xxx

Oh and you're exhausted because narcissistics suck your very life source from you even if you feel "safe" with them. Classic trick unfortunately. I know too many friends who've befallen this treatment too. It's not you at all xxx

Firstly, I think you're doing fucking well OP I'm impressed! Keep your cool. You sound like a laugh even at such a shit time and I would want to be your friend - totally understand it's easier at the moment to talk to people online because it's too scary to say it in "real life" until you've got your head around it.

Now, here's what you need to understand re him skulking around the house, bringing the van etc. He's testing you - like when kids storm off then look backwards to check you're watching the tantrum and off they go again. Let him wear himself out with this bit and don't engage.

MN is here to distract you and support you in moments of weakness to help you not give into those horrible waves of feeling you just want everything back to normal.

Once you're through this horrible bit you'll start to build a new 'normal' and it will be SO much less stressful, more secure and FUN!