All in, I haven't gone anywhere. I check the thread at least twice a day. I'm sorry that your mind is taking you back to that feeling of missing the dream of what could have been. Remember, though. It is just a dream. If he came back it would only worsen this nightmare. You WILL realize someday that in reality he was making you miserable, and that allowing him back would cause you more pain than you're feeling now.
You are NOT those things he's made you feel. He's the one people will look down on. He's a liar, a cheat; a hard-hearted, selfish man. He's punishing you and your son for his sins. He takes pleasure in destroying people. Even those he professes to love.
You got past this feeling before, at least for a little while. And you will again, for longer each time until you reach the point that you'd never want him back.
Until then, check in every day. Make a list of every terrible thing he's done and read it often. Add to it. Find something physical that will help you get the anger out while making you stronger. Whether it's a punching bag, darts at his picture, taking a hammer to something he likes. It's ok to be destructive as long as it's in a constructive way. Just make sure it's something of his or representing him and not something of your own. I do an amazing job cleaning when I'm really mad. Find what works for you.
Oh, and make sure it's not the man himself! 😆 You need to find and hold onto to the kind of anger that makes you stronger. And jettison the part that only hurts you.
One day, you'll look back in awe at how strong you've become. Your son will be proud of you. You will be proud of yourself. There's a new dream waiting for you. One without a cruel, vindictive, utterly shameless cheat.
💜💜