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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

250 replies

Allinadaystwerk · 13/07/2019 13:44

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 26/07/2019 21:26

@glitterfarts (great name btw) I'm sure anger will come but I'm not there yet. Still a bit bewildered and shit scared! He called me tiday for an update on DS. I kept it very factual but my heart was racing and i felt all clammy and a bit excited to hear his voice 🙈 shameful I know.
I'm looking for houses to downsize to as my income
will massively drop. Will miss the ensuite but that's life. I'll just have to peg my nose after DS drops one 😂

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beenwhereyouare · 26/07/2019 23:41

All in, I haven't gone anywhere. I check the thread at least twice a day. I'm sorry that your mind is taking you back to that feeling of missing the dream of what could have been. Remember, though. It is just a dream. If he came back it would only worsen this nightmare. You WILL realize someday that in reality he was making you miserable, and that allowing him back would cause you more pain than you're feeling now.

You are NOT those things he's made you feel. He's the one people will look down on. He's a liar, a cheat; a hard-hearted, selfish man. He's punishing you and your son for his sins. He takes pleasure in destroying people. Even those he professes to love.

You got past this feeling before, at least for a little while. And you will again, for longer each time until you reach the point that you'd never want him back.

Until then, check in every day. Make a list of every terrible thing he's done and read it often. Add to it. Find something physical that will help you get the anger out while making you stronger. Whether it's a punching bag, darts at his picture, taking a hammer to something he likes. It's ok to be destructive as long as it's in a constructive way. Just make sure it's something of his or representing him and not something of your own. I do an amazing job cleaning when I'm really mad. Find what works for you.

Oh, and make sure it's not the man himself! 😆 You need to find and hold onto to the kind of anger that makes you stronger. And jettison the part that only hurts you.

One day, you'll look back in awe at how strong you've become. Your son will be proud of you. You will be proud of yourself. There's a new dream waiting for you. One without a cruel, vindictive, utterly shameless cheat.

Wine💜💜

Allinadaystwerk · 28/07/2019 21:06

AHHHHH AHHH!!!!! 🤬🤬🤬
THE RAGE HAS ARRIVED. I had the first face to face with him since he left and he really is an utter bell end and will be referred to as UB from here on in. Self absorbed and wallowing in self pity blaming me and shouting in my face. grrrrrr i tell you grey rock took a back seat and I told him some home truths about his narcissistic self. I just couldn't hold back. I feel better and worse and scared shitless all one after the other.

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ysmaem · 28/07/2019 21:09

Sounds like this one more of his emotional controlling mind games. Telling you no longer feels safe around you after you called him out on his abusive behaviour, turning all of this 'round on you. Change the locks after he's gone and don't let him back into your life.

beenwhereyouare · 28/07/2019 21:09

You go, girl!

Allinadaystwerk · 28/07/2019 21:30

💪🏼

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Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 11:29

👏🏻 👏🏻

YouJustDoYou · 29/07/2019 11:32

Oh god, what was UB saying?? Well done OP, you're doing great x

Allinadaystwerk · 29/07/2019 16:57

He was saying that I have really messed up as I am going to be in dire straits. He said all because I could not bring my self to respect him and his efforts and all that he has done for me. I had to remind him of some home tRuth's about the support I have given in all areas in the past. He ended up raging at me in the car getting out slamming the door then coming back and trying to open the door all intimidating but I'd locked them. I drove off but was livid. He called my phone and like a fool I answered and lost my shit! He got both barrels and a bit more. And now there is no contact bit I need to get out of tbis expensive house find a job and be independent Shock asap!

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Thingsdogetbetter · 29/07/2019 17:01

Omg. The inner rage amazon has finally come out and kicked ass! You rocked it! Grin

user1498572889 · 29/07/2019 17:53

I hope u feel better for getting that out. You need to be kind to yourself now. Bet your mind is whirring with all the other stuff you wanted to say xx

Allinadaystwerk · 29/07/2019 19:52

@user1498572889 yesot really is and i feel a bit crappy about it today. I just want to get what i need sorted. It will all be Ok... I'm going away for a few days bit of sun sea and sand with dc. Need to forget about him for a few days and relax

OP posts:
namechangeninjaevervigilant · 29/07/2019 21:36

Enjoy your break OP. You’ve earned it.

user1498572889 · 29/07/2019 21:45

I hope you have a fantastic time and have plenty of sun sea and serenity. Have lots of fun with your DC. X

Weenurse · 03/08/2019 00:06

💐

Allinadaystwerk · 03/08/2019 16:37

So I have took my dc on a little break in the sun. First time I have done this alone without stxub. We are so chilled. Relaxing and eating toooo much food. The prospect of what lies ahead is daunting I can't lie but what will be will be. I read posts on here from people who have not yet took the leap to leave an abusive relationship and I want to scream do it you will survive.

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Allinadaystwerk · 03/08/2019 16:39

Hope anyone still checking in is well and happy 💖

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Howzaboutye · 03/08/2019 16:58

Big hugs
Stay strong
You can do this

quitefranklyivehadenough · 03/08/2019 17:53

@Allinadaystwerk you are doing amazingly well!! So lovely to have a break with your little one. Enjoy!! You can deal with anything life throws at you my lovely xxx

user1498572889 · 03/08/2019 20:53

So glad you had a good time. You deserve it xx

totallyoutnumbered · 05/08/2019 20:48

Really pleased to hear you chilled out. Much needed. Please keep strong and keeping us posted. Xxx

Allinadaystwerk · 11/08/2019 18:56

I just dont think I can do this anymore. I dont know how. I have to turn my whole life up side down and inside out not to mention my poor DS. I don't want to leave my lovely house in a lovely street but we are going to have to. And I can't find another one that is suitable. I have to return the car and find another cheaper one, I have to find a job with this shitty illness and I have to face my future alone. I read a book called 'why does he do that' on holiday and I recognised my situation in it so much but it only made me feel devastated that my marriage has to fail..
I really don't know if I am strong enough. I'm So tired 😢

OP posts:
Japanesejazz · 11/08/2019 23:58

You can do it, and you will because you have a child that needs you.

Hotterthanahotthing · 12/08/2019 00:38

I have had not just found this thread.I read it all and you have come such a long way.
It's normal to have the bad days of doubt and regret but you can do it.
I bought a special note book for lists,it all seems so much otherwise.It helps you prioritise and get back after a down day.
Also list the positives like the snacking on the sofa,holiday(day one DD and I stayed in our dressing gowns all day).
Some of it will be hard,some will make you want to laugh and slowly you will refind yourself.Freedom is great but scarey if you've been denied it for so long.
Keep going,keep strongFlowers

Allinadaystwerk · 12/08/2019 07:09

Thank you. I have no choice but to keep moving forward. My DS spent 24 hrs with h. He came back happy which is positive.

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