He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

Yeah I get that. Maybe as soon as he says he is finished moving, change them? Because then he has no reason to come back in. But that's if you are lucky and he doesn't keep stalling and if you are sure he wont change his mind and try move back in.

If it were me I'd do it first thing as he's had time to move and is clearly stalling for more which would give me the heebiejeebes big time. If he wants anything else you can box it up and drop it round at his mums or something (IF you feel he is entitled to it). And if he creates a scene then you can call the police.

Sure it's a scary thought, but, he's going to start pushing back at some point either way. Might as well shore up your defences straight off the bat. You've already declared war by calling him out, now if he is a narcissist...he'll be looking for ways to 'win' by destroying you. If I know there's someone out there that feels that way about me (or will soon, when he realises you wont take him back) - I change my locks.

Good luck with it though, whatever you decide, at least you know the way he treated you was not ok and you're getting away from that. Just be safe!

Does he have a key to every door OP?
Could you leave a key on the inside of the door he has a key for to stop the lock and use an alternative door that he doesn’t have a key for?

Yeah there's a point, you could always leave the key in the lock whenever you are in bed and at least that way he wont be able to get in when you are asleep.

With a narcissist there will probably be some sort of Hoover technique after this
The stuff about him not feeling safe around you it's just bullshit he's prob doing this as a performance because he wants you to beg him to come back.
He put a lot of work into moulding you and he won't let you go that easily I predict.
Grey rock is about being boring and in interesting non-reactive, not giving him anything that he can use to draw you back in

@curly..I am a good laugh in spite of this. I am a firm believer that laughter is therapeutic and humour helps me cope so I'm glad a bit of the real me came through
At 10.30 I am locking the doors as per usual. He will not be able to get in. I know he will be around tomorrow as he has to take ds somewhere in tbe afternoon.
I predict he will return early with his sister who is lovely btw so she can help him to organise himself. I will be the same as I was today and let peace reign. I am stone henge!

Yay Stonehenge the most powerful grey rock of all time
You've got this ⚡

You are the magical mystical ancient grey rock fortress
(When I said ancient I meant it in a nice way 😁)

you are doing fabulous Allin....stay strong 💪😘

You're doing so well! From experience, I completely recommend the grey rock technique. It de-escalates things as you don't provide the reaction they are needling you for.

These men really do follow a script OP, in a way I never realised until after I had left my ex and read up on it. It is always very predictable and once you see it for what it is it almost becomes laughable.

He wants you to be on edge. That was he's still in control. As far as you can do just grey rock him and be thankful you have a new life ahead of you. You will have to have some contact because of DC but don't let him draw you into anything.

Well done💐 Stonehenge

Morning,
Just checking in. Hope you managed to get some sleep last night xxx

Morning OP😀
A wee message of support for you today ..
you’re amazing 😉
Best of luck and stay strong .. you are worth so much more than him x

Morning all. He came back at 12.30 last night and I let him in to avoid a scene. I went straight to bed but did not sleep too well. Feel really poorly today lots of pain. He is still here pacing about and being impatient with DS. I am keeping a low profile but do feel hopeless if I'm honest. Can't wait for some space to think without anxiety. Can't remember what that feels like. We've been together 16yrs!

You are very clearly terrified of this man OP. you let him in at 12:30 at night and go and hide in your room every time he is there. He is coming s going as he pleases, for no reason at times, at ridiculous times of the night. (For what? He stayed over? So hasn’t moved out?) how long will you allow his “moving out” to take? You need to decide when you are going to draw the line and do it.

I agree with @JoxerGoesToStuttgart you need to give him a deadline for removing his stuff and when that time comes, change the locks. This process is a stressful one and doesn't need to be drawn out. It's not healthy for anyone, especially you and your DS x

@joxer I'm sure that someday I will find the courage to stand up to him even more than I already have. But that's not today. Today I am surviving. (I get that this will be frustrating for some to hear)

I know it’s tough and scary to take that step, But you can’t wait for the fear to go. All the time you do, he walks all over and continues to abuse you and your child. You have to do it whilst also being afraid of doing it. If you change the locks/keep it so he can’t just come in then yes, he may cause a scene outside, but you don’t have to go out and join it. You stay inside, you call the police and you congratulate yourself on taking that huge step to protect yourself and your child. The longer you don’t do that, your prolonging and enabling his abuse of you and your child.

Sorry if I've missed but do you rent? Who's name is the house in?

I was so relieved when my exH left with his suitcases but I still cried for a few nights in a row actually. Getting into bed alone was really odd, I still walked around the bed to get into ‘my side’ for months if not the first year tbh. I did have a momentary panic and wonder if I’d done the right thing but over five years down the line, I’ve honestly never looked back.

This will pass, it will get easier and you will be fine .

It sounds like he has no intention of actually moving out, it's all show to get a reaction from you.

If you don't feel confident speaking to him @Allinadaystwerk. Can you text him? Just ask what he's doing as he's supposed to be getting his things and going and he's confusing the children.
Do you have anyone who can come round? Family or friend?

When my ex moved out I found him half way up the stairs at 8.00 the next morning. (It was a Sunday so I was having a lie in.) He had wedged the living room window open and climbed in. Said he had just come to pick up a few things he’d forgotten

These men will just keep pushing and pushing for access to us until we make absolute sure they can’t.

I know know will need to draw a line. I just need to muster the strength. He sees when I am ill. Its obvious. I will get there. I got to this point and I did not think i ever could. Ive got it in me it's just kinda buried. I know once I've made the decision to do something and I'm all in for the right reasons.. I will do it.

don’t let it go on too long. It’s only you and Ds that suffers from it.