He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

I would just sit quietly as he loads up to ensure he doesn’t take stuff you or the dc need.

Oh, bless you! I feel for you.

Just make sure that you keep sight of anything you DON'T want him to take - especially things like your passport, important documents etc.

Have you sought any help? Where I live there is a local organisation that offers a recovery programme for people who have come out of an abusive relationship. Something like that would help with the "what am I going to do?" feelings.

Definitely change the locks.

Then play Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" on repeat.

He sounds quite like my abusive ex.

I agree with being casual about what he can take. My ex did and does still target anything that's important to me.

Making a big performance of packing in front of the children shows him for what he is. He's doing the emotional blackmail thing. He's also gaslighting by turning everything around so that he's the injured party.

Your life will be so much better without him. You will look back to this day with relief.

So hard for you, giving you a virtual hand hold. Don't take on board a single word the fucker says. He sounds similar to ds' father and I spent years tying myself in knots believing his abusive bullshit. He's always telling me he saved me, and "gave me the gift of ds" despite doing nothing but use our child as a weapon to control me. He also got extremely offended when I started to see the light and told him he's abusive and coercively controlling. You will never, ever be in the right with someone like this so it's best that he goes and you get some space to rediscover who you are.

He no longer feels safe around you?

Well. I think you can tell what his narrative is going to be going forward.

He wants to leave you after years of being selfish and abusive and he wants to do that AS THE VICTIM

Let him be the victim. Distance yourself from his script as much as is possible.

Sending you a big hug, you will be feeling all sorts of emotions but please don’t ever take him back (it’s normal to feel like you want to as part of the grieving process).

My dc’s didn’t really care when I split with ex dh either, my dd actually said “don’t worry, we will be fine without him”, she was only 11 at the time.

The first few months were hard but it was so worth it.

I was amazed when a friend saw her non-driving partner looking at car ads, walked straight by him to her files and removed her car reg documents and asked me to keep them for her. She was right.

I think you are doing the right thing keeping out of his way. You will feel so much better when he has left. Change the locks and look forward to your new life. .

@juells, I'm sorry, I don't understand that. Do you mean he wanted her to be his driver?

Or that he was going to trade her car?

Watch and make sure he doesn't take anything be isn't entitled to. Possession is nine tenths of the law, as they say.

He said he no longer feels safe around me and is leaving to protect himself
Oh the things narcissists say. You'll have a good laugh at that, one day.

Change the locks once he is gone and don't ever let him back in the house. Ever.

He said he no longer feels safe around me and is leaving to protect himself. best he go now then, eh?

have you got any friends that can come over and just be with you?

User14. That's how I feel it's so weird but when we are happy I feel so very safe and secure like no one could harm me. But I reality He was harming me all along

I don’t feel safe around you = you have found your voice/ strength and I don’t like it.

Let him load up and then change the locks. Passwords. Bank account passwords. A huge glass of wine to a new chapter.

Anyone that strips you of your strength and independence is not rescuing you, so pleased you could see it.

I have just spoke to a friend who was so supportive saying much the same as you guys. I feel in the pit of my stomach that trouble is brewing. He has a van but has hardly took anything yet. What is he waiting for? If you're gonna go just take it and go...

Brave talk but I'm Still hiding tho!

I assume the house is in your name? Or yours is the only name is on the lease?

Otherwise you might be wise to see about moving yourself at some point soon or he might try to come back.

Just a thought though, I guess getting shot of him today would be a good start at least!

He's probably waiting for you to beg for him to stay xD Could your friend come over and stay with you for a bit, maybe if someone else was with you right now, things would go more smoothly.

He wants a reaction from you and is sticking around hoping he gets one so he can do his narc thing. These men must all read the same manual or something. Look after yourself.

Is there anyone you can ask to come round and be with you?

I'm at a similar stage @Allinadaystwerk. I'm actually moving back into the family home today, I initially left to go to my mums and he's been living here. But we agreed it was better for me and Ds to stay in the family home and he's sorted out a rental near by.
I wasn't here when he moved his stuff out and was a bit worried about what he'd take, I'd taken important stuff with me though so if you haven't already I'd suggest making sure passports etc are save and if you can get one of his wage slips so you've got a idea of his earnings for maintenance.
My ex was actually very fair and almost everything barring his personal stuff has been left. He's even offered to buy me a DVD player as he's taken the PS and Xbox and that's what we played them on. He has taken a few photos but he asked if he could and his pillow.

Really hope your ex is fair, personally I think if kids are involved, all big furniture and appliances etc should stay in the family home.

It's very odd to have their stuff suddenly gone though, I'm finding it harder than I was expecting.

Have those locks changed as SOON as he is gone. Like by tonight if possible. Because I wouldn't be surprised if he turns up not long after he leaves (maybe drives round the block a bit then comes back) saying 'oh my place to stay fell through so I'm just going to have to stay here a bit longer'. They like to do that thing where they give you a sense of peace ('its all over now') for about 5 seconds - and then rip it out from under your feet.

GO OUT!
He IS going to try something it will probably be along the lines of 'Can I take this?' followed by the nonsensical victim bullshit again.

Go out, tell him you want him gone by x o'clock and GO OUT.

You do not have to play these silly games he's playing, you don't owe him an audience.

my "rescuer"chopt up our entire home prior to leaving...let him take whatever-you can get it all again.can you get your door locks changed asap.

It sounds like he is dragging it out in order to provoke a reaction and scene, so he can turn on you, play the victim etc

Sending love, hugs and strength to you. If you can squirrel away your valuables and paperwork let him get in with the rest of it. It's easier said than done, I know, but remember that it is all just stuff. Can be replaced a lot easier than you health, happiness, mental well-being etc.

If there is a family member or friend who could come around to keep you company that might not be a bad idea.