He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

Hide your passports and other documents.

It sounds like the bastard is waiting for you to beg him not to take certain items so he knows what will hurt you most when he takes them. If possible, try to show him no emotion, it will give him nothing to feed off.

What a total scumbag. I wish you happier times ahead.

I feel in the pit of my stomach that trouble is brewing. He has a van but has hardly took anything yet. What is he waiting for?

Probably for you to beg him to stay. Or for an argument about which material goods to take or leave.

Don't give him either. If he's abusive, is there someone who can come around to be with you until he's gone? And I second the advice of PP: get an emergency locksmith out or have those locks re-keyed ASAP.

I'm sorry you are going through this. These situations are incredibly painful while they're happening, but you'll feel better in the longrun, I promise. You CAN ride this out, and come out better off.

for you.

A van is pretty big, apart from clothes what else is he taking?

Have you offered to call someone from YOUR life to help him load?

Are you in on your own @Allinadaystwerk? I'd definitely get someone round if you can. Then text him to ask what's taking so long and that he can take what he wants but he's to be gone in a hour. Only do this with another adult with you though.

Who owns the house?

Make sure you have hold of all your paperwork , passport any financial papers , house deeds etc . Let him take whatever he wants ( he probably doesn’t even know what he ‘ wants ‘ ! ) - he’s doing this to try and get a reaction from you and in doing so make himself look better of course or ‘ blame ‘ you for something . So please try. It to react and stay away from him . Ignore the ‘ I don’t feel safe etc etc ‘ he’s probably convinced himself of his own story and is talking nonsense - don’t let him intimidate you and throw whatever he says like this into the trash can in your head never to be recalled . It will get better , it may take a while but it will get better

I will not be able to afford to live here as a single parent. The bills are too high. I am unable to work full time due to illness but I'm hoping my health improves once I have a more peaceful life. It's going to be a really tough few months or more till I am sorted.
I can't lie I feel scared. I just hid our passports. I'm going out. Can i ask a favour?... please look out for me on here. I will update and this has really helped more than you might imagine xx

Take the passports with you...stick them down your knickers if you have to!

This is the first day of the start of the rest of your life op. It might not be easy from now on but at least you've taken the first steps towards freedom. You know we'll be here, couldn't harm to have a wee word with womens aid if you get the chance too. I'm sure they will have useful advice as to what to do next.

If you think it best to go out then do so, just maybe take those passports just incase. All the best op, keep us posted xx

Universal Credit includes money towards housing costs, as does Housing Benefit if you're not in a UC area (bit vague on that bit, as I'm in a UC area, so not sure whether all new claims have to be for UC).

You'll do much better without him - and yes, he's hanging around for the big dramatic moment.

Don't give it to him.

I will look out for you here OP x

Is it rent or mortgage @Allinadaystwerk? You might get help with rent. Have you seen a solicitor? If not definitely make it your next task once he's gone.

Hugs. I'm dreading the day he leaves (we are sort of separated but he wants to buy so is saving up) so final. Give the kids extra hugs but they seem very perceptive. Let us know you are ok later

it's hard now inspite of everything but a few month down the line you're see how much more settled life is. the fact that the dc aren't 'hanging onto his legs' begging him not to go speaks volumes.

If you're going out, take your passports and paperwork with you. Don't hide them.

He's not a rescuer. He's just forced you into situations that make you feel like you need rescuing so he can step in and then use it against you.

Is there anyone you can call to support you?

Don't worry about the price of the house, he has an obligation to provide financial support to house your children.

He's probably in shock that you didn't respond by apologising and begging him to stay.

Be careful. He may change tack.

See if you can get yourself a place on the Freedom Programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Honestly, he's deflecting your feelings to avoid taking responsibility. He doesn't "feel safe". Ughh!
Those are your feelings that he's turning back on you.

And by asking you what he should take, and loading very little, it seems to me he's wanting you to break down and ask him to come back. Possibly he either wants to return with no consequences or wants to know you still want him to come back. (Would he later say "You begged me to come home!" or something like that?)

Continue to be strong, or as least let him think you are. He needs to realize he's not the only one who has power in this situation.

You made a good decision - stay strong

if your home Allin I hope he's left and you and the children can feel safe x x

First day of the rest of your life.
One day you will see all this upset and stress was the necessary catalyst for happiness.

I love that BlueMerchant

This will get better. Not today but one day soon.

I laughed at loud at him “not feeling safe” and think it’s a lucky escape for you.

Stay calm and out of the way, things tend to work out in the end and I wouldn’t be surprised if your health improved significantly once he is gone

Mine used the family car to move all his stuff to his apartment. He then asked for me to come with him to said new apartment so i could run car back to mine after he had finished taking everything, including the 65" flat screen TV from the living room. He even had the cheek to ask me to help him lift telly up 3 flights of stairs to his new front door and I fecking helped!! That will be nearly 2 years ago and if I had to do it all again he could struggle on his own. I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. There will come a day where you will be the strong woman and mother you are and what he says/does/tries to provoke you to say/do will not work. Grey rock will become your friend. hugs

well done scotgal for reaching a good place....bet you'd smash the TV over his fucking head now 🤣