DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

He said that, in front of your children?

If so, that is what is inappropriate about the scenario you have described.

Him saying ‘it looks like you are masturbating him’ does NOT mean he thinks you were masturbating him. Very, very different. Why take it out of context to make it more extreme? Click bait?

Did he say that in front of your child?!

Yeah, in front of the kids, Semper.

What context would make that comment ok, pigs? Would genuinely grasp at any straw offered.

I can't believe he said that in front of your kids. That's utterly despicable.

OP I am not suggesting it was appropriate. But you have taken it out of context for your thread title.

He said ‘it looks like’ therefore he didn’t actually think you were masturbating him. Which is what you have said.

Obviously his comment is inappropriate.

Even if he thought it, saying it in front of your kids was unacceptable.

I would say the fact that he said that in front of your children is definitely the worst part, very inappropriate to suggest such a thing. I don't think he accused you of being a paedophile though.

This is just weird,your dh needs help honestly.

That’s awful. His statement not your natural affection.

I’d honestly stop trying to understand him and stop the limping. Just end it.

His comment in front of the kids is vile. His comment to you in private, understandable.

Tell him not to suggest sexual ideas in front of your children.

Him saying that in front of your children is highly inappropriate. I can't believe an adult would think that is ok.

He sounds awful to be honest and I would be gone like a shot.

For clarity - i don't have sexual feelings towards my kids.

What would you do?

He said this nonsense in front of them.

I really don't know what to do with it. They are fine, they don't care because they are secure in my parenting.

"Please don't accuse me of paedophilia in front of our kids" is not really a conversation I thought I'd ever have to have in a marriage.

Surely this is not normal?

And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail

You do realise that wont stop them lifting the thread if they want to 🙄

I should add that I empathise with you, having a DP on the spectrum myself. At what point should we stop excusing their behaviour/words/actions? At what point does quirky become obtuse? At what point do we refuse to put up with it any longer?

Your sentence about your continual efforts to hold your marriage together really struck a chord with me - how much effort does he put in to this? He may look at the world differently but if he has the capacity to understand this then there are steps he can also take.

Well, firstly I’d remember the huge distinction between ‘looks like’ and actually fulfilling that act.

Secomdly, if he said that I’m front of your kids, it’s he that has just been incredibly inappropriate and quite frankly, absolutely disgusting and potentially very damaging.

He needs to know this. Strongly and with no escape into excuses.

He has behaved really weirdly and where the fuck are his boundaries?

As for your relationship, umm, I’d let the dust settle on this first before deciding what happens next. I’d find it difficult to go near him again, I’d be repulsed by him, and unnerved... but that’s my own reaction based on my own personal stuff so I recognize it may be more extreme than some.

Don’t brush this under the carpet though, or excuse it. He needs to address the situation he’s caused by his words and the damage they have caused.

That must have been horrendous OP

Yeah. Am also hoping it's so dull they won't be interested, Redglitter.

I am totally blind sided.

Part of me wants to report myself to the police incase there IS anything accidentally dodgy - and most of me wonders why, if he thinks the mother of his kids is inappropriate then he has not already done so?

Ok.

I am not convinced there is a solution here. Thanks for the input, it is appreciated.

Woah
He said what? In front of your kids?

Not sure I could get back from that actually.

What on earth was he thinking?

Pigs - it's so subtle! He's not a terrible person, he's not mean spirited or abusive or controlling in nature...but, his perceptions of people are not the same as mine and so some of his behaviours would be seen as being abusive if they were done by an NT partner.

It's really hard to articulate that without sounding like I am dismissing him and his differences, without sounding ableist - but, FFS, he just said I looked like I was wanking off an 11 year old in front of our 3 kids during what was, we all thought, a lovely family evening.

What the fuck do I do with that? "yes, kids, daddy thinks mummy is a paedophile, but, we know he doesn't like touching people unless he fancies a fuck"???

I think I am done. This is too hard.

My eldest child is disabled and until very recently could not wash his own hair. My ex H accused me of being inappropriate because I needed to help him wash his hair and went into a long disgusting accusatory rant that I've never forgiven or forgotten. I couldn't remain in a relationship with someone who said this to me.

I agree in that he did not directly accuse you of paedophilia, he said it looked like it. If he had directly said you were molesting your child, when you clearly weren't, then I'd say LTB. But he didn't.

He was wrong to say what he did in front of the kids though, and put such a vulgar spin on something so innocent. And it needs raising.

Does he know you think he's on the spectrum? Does he think he could be on the spectrum too?

Maybe this horrid comment is the catalyst to get a diagnosis? Then from there he can learn that his lack of affection, and his skewed view of other peoples physical affection is part of his condition and its not wrong.

Or was he brought up in a cold unloving home as a child and just can't connect with it? I was, and it's taken years for my DH to break down my barriers. I still find too much affection suffocating and genuinely hate the sight and sound of people kissing. But I'm aware I'm a product of my upbringing and have worked hard to try to get it to a level that's comfortable for both DH and I.

He sounds like a man who has no concept of affection and may even have negative feelings about affection and intimacy.
You will have to try to find some way of communicating to him that human relationships need these expressions of love to thrive, if he can't get that then I'd question wheather its worth it.
Also basic good manners and appropriate speach around kids, he might need a crash course on that too.

Op - why you are clarifying that you have no sexual attraction to your child I do not know. That is not even a question.

The issue here is your husband’s shockingly inappropriate comment made in front of your children.

Has he always said things like this? Inappropriate, almost designed to undermine you showing natural affection?

It’s awful form but I think it was a ridiculous no-filter comment. It doesn’t mean he thinks you ever would. It means the motion of your hand, out of the corner of his eye, made it look that way and he’s articulated incredibly badly. Jesus Christ what a thing to say.