DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

Is he five, or fifteen?

Weigh his behaviour up for yourself and make your own call on how much of it is him being an arse and how much isn't: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

What worries me is how quickly you went to talking about reporting yourself to the police, as if you don't trust your own judgement at all. Have you had a drip drip drip of comments leading to this?

"Saying something looks paedophilic links that person to paedophilia as an image regardless of whether it’s true or not. It’s got the OP questioning whether her boundaries are appropriate."

Yes, Tatiana - and my kids too, I expect.

It's so offensive and so outrageous.

Just outrageous.

Well yes - but if those boundaries are a bit inappropriate then he is right to raise that with her. However, he was wrong to do it in the way that he did.

He is 15. No special needs. Perfectly independent, done his D of E bronze and all that. Highly intelligent. He just likes cuddling, and being read to. So do I.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria
Yep managing to separate what is autistic behaviour and what is him an arse is extremely difficult.

After 20 years dealing with that, my conclusion is that if it goes over my boundaries and what I consider acceptable, then it does. And it doesn’t matter if it is one or the other because I’m getting hurt in the process regardless.
And yes the fact you also know he is doing his best etc... makes taking a decision even harder.

I hope you will find the right solution for yourself

I think you are losing the plot here but understandably.

He did not accuse you of it, said it looked like you were (but knowing you weren’t.

Half thinking of going to the police, I wouldn’t ever repeat such a ridiculous comment ever again, do you want your children taken away and left to the sole care of DH?

Your DH comment was unforgivable, period, full stop. To say that in front of any children about their mother unforgivable, to say it in front of children as young as 11 utterly despicable, outrageous, and potentially very damaging. As your DH said it makes him feel uncomfortable, all about him and bollocks to the children’s feelings and the damage such a comment could do to your relationship or their emotional well-being. He should fuck right off until he can get therapy for himself.

in his opinion all our martial disharmony is to do with "you and your emotions"....

he does no parenting at all.

clear thinking, to be reliable, loyal and even tempered

These statements are not commensurate.

It’s not clear thinking or reliable to blame all marital problems on the other partner - totally the opposite. It’s certainly not loyal. Nor is it clear thinking to spuriously announce your behaviour looks paedophilic.

It’s totally unreliable and disloyal not to do any parenting - to both you and your children.

For clarity - i don't have sexual feelings towards my kids

Literally NOBODY has said that you do.

I realise this may be the straw that broke the camels back in regards to your husband.

What he said in front of the kids was wholly inappropriate, but your reaction on here regarding him accusing you of being a peadophile and reporting yourself to the police etc., is so bloody overdramatic.

Calm down and speak to him.

He shouldn't have said that in front of your kids. Not appropriate. Whether he was being a dick, having difficulty with social judgement, or having difficulty with impulse suppression is up for grabs.

However, he didn't accuse you of paedophilia. He sounds like someone who is likely to be frank. Saying it looks like you were masturbating your son is just a description of the visual. For your own sake, you need to dial down the drama in your response.

Keep in mind that relationships end. If the relationship doesn't work for you this is a legitimate option.

He shouldn’t have said that in front of the kids.

He made you feel worried and paranoid as you care a lot about your kids. He does not seem to understand how it made you and your kids feel.

HOWEVER I do not think he is accusing you of paedophilia. I don’t think he is intentionally making you feel bad/paranoid, I think he was probably just expressing what he was thinking - as a PP said - without a filter. Would it be helpful to you for him to get a diagnosis? Then maybe you could get advice from Asperger/autism support groups as to how to best communicate with him. Perhaps some people need to be told explicitly how their comments made others feel and what they could do to make you feel better (I don’t have experience with knowing people with autism/asperger’s though!)?

@BedraggledBlitz He queried why I was holding hands with my 3 year old son. Whaaaaat????! Seriously? It would be bizarre if you didn't^^ hold hands with your 3yr old son. Safety! Not to mention a feeling of security for the child. What did you say to your brother when he asked you this?

all about him and bollocks to the children’s feelings and the damage such a comment could do to your relationship or their emotional well-being. He should fuck right off until he can get therapy for himself.

THIS ^^

I think your husband's choice of word was awful and should not have been said in front of your children. In a sense he was being abusive by saying it in front of everyone, and it was highly insulting to you.

We are a very affectionate family, but I have always let's say been careful about where and where not to cuddle my DS who is a similar age to yours.

I wouldn't cuddle/stroke his tummy, but would stroke his arm instead for example. This is because people who prey on children often start by cuddling/stroking innocent areas and then slyly take it a step further.

Personally we have always approached it that way because we didn't want my DS unwittingly thinking it was okay.

However, I don't think for one moment you were wrong, it just boils down to different ways of parenting, and it sounds like you've got a lovely relationship with your DS.

It sounds like his clumsy way of trying to put across his feelings that maybe he thinks at 11 or 15 that it was not appropriate. Maybe he felt uneasy about it at that time, not because he thinks you are a a risk to the kids, but because he thinks at their ages that it is not right (in his eyes). Remember that often mothers and father show their affectin in different ways, he would't do that with the kids so he is projecting his feelings onto you.

I have a nearly 12 year old, when he is really sad, or not feeling well he still asks to sleep in my bed. I don't find it inappropriate but others might (because I know 100% it is not sexual its just comfort!). He likes to cuddle up on the sofa and me tickle his head. You know you were just being affectionate and so do your kids so don't focus on that. Have a discussion with DH about where you go from here.

Why would you want to stay with someone who only touches you when they want a fuck. So ergo sees you touching someone else as sexual.
It basically means after all the years you’ve been together he genuinely doesn’t see affection as anything other than sexual.

He doesn’t clearly ever think about your feelings

Are you honestly telling me that you think a mother snuggled up with her fifteen year old son in bed stroking hair is appropriate in any way, shape or form? Because it isn’t.

What is inappropriate about it? Is there a specific age where snuggling up with your children suddenly goes from normal to inappropriate? What's the difference between being snuggled up on the sofa to being snuggled up on a bed (except in a mind that associates bed with sex). It's only inappropriate if there is any questionable behaviour, or if either party feels uncomfortable or has any form of sexual feelings.

My best friend happens to be male. We are both straight, both have had partners at various times over the friendship that has lasted nearly 40 years now. We hug every time we meet both at hello and goodbye. He will often stroke my back, and I will rest my head on his shoulder, as these are both comforting things. There is absolutely NO sexual intent in these acts by either of us, they are indicators of a deep platonic love we have like brother & sister.

It's very taboo to talk about but for a lot of boys their first crush is on their mother. There's nothing weird about it, it's just because their mother is the most important female in their life at that point. It could be that this was the case for your husband which is why he sees your son being petted by you as something inappropriate.

Why would you want to stay with someone who only touches you when they want a fuck. So ergo sees you touching someone else as sexual.
It basically means after all the years you’ve been together he genuinely doesn’t see affection as anything other than sexual

This. Absolutely this.

OP if yu are still reading, please remember that some of the comments made by PP would apply happily to an NT but not so much about someone on the spectrum.
The comment about him only touching you for sex for example needs to be put into context (aka not thinking about feelings, only seeing touch as sexual etc... though the NT lens). It doesn’t mean that yu should Accept it. I do know how crushing this is to only ever be touched when having sex (and even then it has to be done in a certain way - oversensitivity to stimuli etc....).
But yes you can’t just apply the NT ‘rules’ There.

No, I don't think he sees affection as being anything other than sexual. As I said, he sees he world in a very different way to me - and that was only apparent after we had kids.

He, at least, apologised. So, he thought that would be fine, that I'd accept his apology and end of matter. It is rare for him to apologise - so, it is significant not only hat he said sorry, but, that he did it without being prompted.

I have said I am not able to tolerate his scraps of affection and being continually dismissed and taken for granted any more.

He has taken the kids to the day out we were all planning and looking forward to, I told them I was staying here because I am upset and likely to say something I regret, that I am going to calm down and do some nice things.

It is so tricky - I do think he's on the spectrum, and so this sort of thing is likely a stress response. He has what I think are "meltdowns" where he withdraws, soemtimes for weeks. Totally withdraws, doesn't speak to us, spend time with us, sit in the same room as us, make eye contact with us, nothing. This is going to lead to that sort of behaviour, I can see it.

I don't want to cause him distress, but, there is so much of his behaviour and habits that are very, very difficult to tolerate.

I am able to manage, but, why should I? Why can't he make an effort? He's not disabled by autism, he's not even fucking diagnosed.

I suspect the truth is that he just doesn't want to.

"even then it has to be done in a certain way - oversensitivity to stimuli etc"

yip.

I think personally the comment was awful. But more than that it’s brought it all to a head. Someone else said, the straw that broke the camels back.
Everyone has got one.

Personally I couldn’t live like this. Comment aside. But everyone has their own breaking points.

Withdrawing for weeks is awful and actually abusive.
Have you seen the thread about the sulking husband? The thread for people with partners with apsergers?

He may well be very high functioning autistic, or he might just be an abusive cunt. Either way it’s irrelevant if it makes you feel like constant crap and you get nothing that you want out of this relationship

I don't want to cause him distress, but, there is so much of his behaviour and habits that are very, very difficult to tolerate.

But it’s not YOU causing him distress. What is putting him in such an uncomfortable place is his disability. And yes it’s crap. And yes it’s normal to try and make things easier for him. But it’s still not YOUR responsibility. And it’s still HIS responsibility to find a way to live that works as well as possible for him as long as he also recognises that it’s also ok for you to say that that way of living isn’t good enough for you.

I know what you mean re the behaviours that are hard to tolerate. And the behaviour that are never meant t be hurtful but actually slice deep whilst still having the feeling you can’t really complain because he can’t avoid it and it wasn’t meant to be hurtful.

@Justbreathing can I ask which thread (s?) you are talking about?