DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

"I'm not sure why you'd be 'stroking ' your teen son's tummy, that seems to me to be an odd place to touch him. I think he's a bit too old for that and I would feel uncomfortable if I saw you doing it too. "

The DS is 11, not a teenager yet, but pubescent I suppose. I would find it uncomfortable to watch as well. Even the lying together on the sofa, I would find uncomfortable.

I think your MysweetAudrina has it spot on. Your OH is very uncomfortable with any physical touching so to put a stop to it in his house he has suggested something totally vile about an innocent thing between you and your child to stop you doing it again. Nasty!

"my then 'D'P was on the spectrum. He was unable to touch me unless he wanted sex too. "

I thought that was just called 'being a man'!
Except maybe in the first flush of infatuation, I think that's quite usual for men.

But he wasn't accusing you of being a pedophile, at all.

He was explaining it made him uncomfortable because it could look like something else. It's not the same thing.

He completely mishandled that and should never have said it in front of the kids, but this talk of reporting yourself to the police is weird.

It sounds like he has crossed a line here despite his condition. I don’t know how your relationship could recover from this. Do you really want your children growing up with someone who has such a warped view of natural affection between a mother and child? Surely this is storing up trouble for their future mental well-being.

I think this is a case of the straw that broke the camels back. There is probably a catalogue of incidents that have built up and this is the latest one.

If there is no affection, love, respect or kindness in your relationship then you need to consider whether it is worth staying in it.

He was inappropriate in his comment and all families are different in their accepted levels of physical affection. Other posters saying they wouldn’t have cuddled there 11 year old and rubbed their tummy isn’t particularly helpful.

Reported my previous post for my wording that I am not happy with.

But to summarise I think you ought not to assume Autism spectrum and consider whether he has unresolved issues from childhood that are causing him to project and have poor boundaries. That's not something his kids need to hear him say no matter how he feels.

You don't have to stay with him if it is causing you so much strife and upset. Its awful for you and probably the kids too.

People with ASD have a tendency of speaking before thinking, i think that’s what has happened here, he wasn’t accusing you of anything he just didn’t pause and think before saying what he was thinking.

Living with a dh who has ASD isn’t easy and although the ASD may explain some of his behaviour it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, you are free to walk away whenever you wish. I walked away from my dh 4 years ago, he was clearly on the spectrum and made me feel unloved due to his cold behaviour, I wish I had left earlier instead of feeling sorry for him.

I think it looks like is key here.

I am inclined to agree you’re being a bit dramatic with the ‘report myself to the police.’ No one thinks you were doing anything untoward including your DH.

However, it’s inappropriate. I think both of you sound a little unsure of boundaries to be honest.

Get a grip people. He said something clumsy. He wasn't accusing. Might be one of those men who think all touch is sexual, but no judgement on op. Tell him to keep his dirty mind to himself

He didnt call you a paedophile. You're not a paedophile.

if you are unhappy in your marriage you are allowed to leave it.

@TatianaLarina
Many posters here claim undiagnosed ASD to explain major problems with their partners and their marriage because it’s easier than to accept they’ve married an arse.

I have issues with that statement tbh. (It’s not not you btw. I’ve seen that comment made many many times on MN - as if giving a diagnosis of autism was going to make everything easy or easier )

1- people on the spectrum can be an arse too. Having ‘diagnosed’ someone as in the spectrum, doesn’t mean you also have to consider all their behaviour as either nice or ‘because of their disability’.

2- because someone is in the someone doesn’t mean that your boundaries have disappeared and you have to accept whatever they are doing ‘because they are acting like this due to their disability’. If what they are doing is basically means they are walking all over your boundaries, then they are and no one should ever accept that.

3- because someone has a disability such as autism doesn’t mean you alors have to accept everything from them and just live with it. Esp if when you got married you didn’t know anything about autism (as in no experience) or there was no diagnosis in the first place - basically because you walked into something wo knowing what you were agreeing to.

4- I’m at loss at the idea that if someone isn’t diagnosed then it means that they probably aren’t in the spectrum and are more likely to be an arse ‘when they dint behave well’. As if all people on the spectrum behave been diagnosed (which they are not). It also implies that if someone hasn’t been diagnosed, people shouldn’t give them any leeway (because it’s more likely that they are an arse anyway aren’t they?). So poor Danny that wasn’t diagnosed because very few children were diagnosed when he was a child should never be given any allowance ‘just in case’. Forget the fact that what autistic people have suffered the most if people expecting them to behave as NT when they can’t. And that a diagnosis doesn’t make someone autistic. They will have been living with that disability before too. Im struggling to see how that can be kind to autistic people tbh.

You have two entirely different ways of looking at the world and it doesn't seem like they can co-exist. Yes, he may not like affection and touch, but it's incredibly sad that he is limiting your natural motherly instincts towards your children. They are only young once and in a few years they won't want cuddles and strokes. He needs to accept that children thrive off love and attention, and just because he doesn't like it, means that they should be deprived. He is being selfish.

Secondly, his comment was in very poor taste and it should not have ever been said in front of a comprehensible child. I would strongly explain to him that it is never okay to say things like that, especially in that context. It's so weird and fucked up. It cannot be repeated.

I know it's hard but I'd leave. Provide your children with a loving home and eventually look to meeting someone who can't keep their hands off you and make you feel special. You've given him years of chances and he's blew it.

I kept thinking about this last night and how the kids esp the 11 year old in question would feel

I think he could be quite damaged by hearing that comment from his father about his mother

I would have found that really disturbing and immensely upsetting at that age.

You need to talk to your child OP- I appreciate how hard that will be . He needs absolute confirmation that any suggestion of sexualised contact from an adult to a child is wrong. And that you have no idea why his dad said it.

Ugh.

So sad at all these posters saying your tummy-stroking is inappropriate because an 11 year old is "a bit old" for it.

Does it really not strike anyone that the reason some men can't disassociate physical touch from sex is precisely because physical cuddles get withdrawn?

I was cuddled up in bed with my son last night, I had finished reading to him and he wanted 10 minutes reading to himself. I couldn't be arsed to go downstairs and then come back up. He played with my hair and I stroked his back. He is 15. It's nice.

He is not diagnosed, and, no I have no means of diagnosing him. And, it wouldn't make any difference anyway - he doesn't need services or input, in his opinion all our martial disharmony is to do with "you and your emotions".

Which is accurate, he's quite content. In fact, his ability to see the world in the way he does is what makes him excel at his job, to be clear thinking, to be reliable, loyal and even tempered. It's not all bad.

Our 11 year old is a very attention seeking and touch seeking kid, the sort of kid who wants to lean on you all the time preferably with his head or legs on my lap, he wants to hold hands all the time, he wants to sit together, be together, he's just very physically demonstrative. The 14 year old is not physically needy and never has been, even as a toddler he'd stomp away independently. The 16 year old is in the middle and seeks hugs when she is upset but doesn't want/need to be touched like the 11 year old does. He's just an immature boy who loves his mum - and as he's my youngest I probably indulge it because I know that my cuddles and affection are coming to an end.

Those of you who have said this is the last straw are probably right. I won't be chastised for my mothering style - not when we have three happy kids who are thriving and he does no parenting at all.

Those with insights to NT/AS relationships - it's so hard. He's a good man, he's doing his best, but, he can be mean spirited in the way he talks to me and behaves towards me. And he cherry picks which bits of family life he'll participate in and takes it totally for granted that I will sort the rest of it out. It is very difficult to pick out the AS from the arse to be sure. And yes, I do understand that bad behaviours are not necessarily traits and there's every possibility my husband is a cunt.

We'll see what the day brings. We're supposed to be all going out. I think I'll stay home. I have stuff to do, primarily think about what I want.

I really really don’t think any newspapers would be remotely interested in this story

Seriously bert

He didn't accuse you of being a paedophile, he said what you were doing looked like sexual behaviour. Not that it was.

I'm a bit shocked at using the word masturbate in front of children, at all, far more so in this context. If the youngest is 11 perhaps the words is ok but the sense of it is not.

It seems to me that he needs to know rules:

• Most people enjoy platonic, affectionate touch. It is normal.

• Talking about sex acts in front of the children is not acceptable.

• Implying incest is deeply foul, not funny, not a 'passing comment', ever.

Seriously what?

Are you honestly telling me that you think a mother snuggled up with her fifteen year old son in bed stroking hair is appropriate in any way, shape or form? Because it isn’t.

I hope you come to a resolution, OP. For what it’s worth, I do think a tummy stroke at 11 is bordering on a bit too intimate and that’s partly why I understand your husbands reaction. However, the way it was phrased and the fact it was in front of the children is all sorts of wrong.

What is inappropriate? He's a hair twiddler, always has been. He's in pjs and I'm fully dressed. He's reading to himself and giggling at the funny bits, and I'm getting 10 minutes rest. The only inappropriate is in your head.

He didn't accuse you of being a paedophile, he said what you were doing looked like sexual behaviour. Not that it was.

Slightly beside the point.

Saying something looks paedophilic links that person to paedophilia as an image regardless of whether it’s true or not. It’s got the OP questioning whether her boundaries are appropriate.

"Are you honestly telling me that you think a mother snuggled up with her fifteen year old son in bed stroking hair is appropriate in any way, shape or form? Because it isn’t."

Does the 15-year old have special needs? Because his mother was reading a story to him as well???