DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

YadiYadiYada - yes, he knows I think he's wired differently to me. We've been to marriage counselling (Several times) to try nd work out an approach that works for us both. It's not lead to change, he carries on in his own way and I try to tolerate it.

I'm not sure I can tolerate this.

I'm a good mum, or at least, I do my best. He is unable to step up and be affectionate towards them, he DOES love them but he shows it in concrete, measurable ways like earning the money and paying the bills and with a work ethic.

I am a bit fearful. I think I am about to destroy our family because I can't tolerate any suggestion that I might look like I am wanking our kid - and that is fucked up. I shouldn't HAVE to consider, in a normal relationship, whether that sort of comment is acceptable or not!

Shit.

Your DH's comment is vile. I am not taking that away at all.

Has he given any indication that he was inappropriately touched or anything when he was a child? When I read it, it sounded like something had triggered him as most people NT or not would not get to masturbation from simple rubbing of the stomach, regardless of who was doing it to whom (eg. My daughter and nephew have gastro problems and are constipated a lot so a natural remedy is a stomach massage so my mind went to tummy pain when you said rubbing the stomach)

I may be way off base but it's a possibility for his reaction to something so very inane

Semperldem - Op - why you are clarifying that you have no sexual attraction to your child I do not know. That is not even a question.

it is now - his comment has made me question my parenting. Do I make our kids feel uncomfortable? How would you ever know unless you asked? and, who has to ask, except for a person who knows they might be making a child uneasy because they are behaving like a creepy bastard?

I think I should probably go to bed - there's a whole lot of overthinking going on in my head which is unlikely to be helpful.

Thank you for your input, vipers. I was really panicked. Less so now. It's totally mad. There is nothing wrong with showing affection to your kid, there is something wrong with saying what he said.

thanks.

Sorry - that reads back much more harshly than I meant it to. I meant it to be reassuring, because you have done nothing wrong here.

I hope you’re ok

Not sure why you would keep fighting for this marriage

No, Semperldem, your comment was fine and welcome and I understood.

It's just that this sort of question causes issues even where there are none.

I am a bit like your DH, don't like affection, feel uncomfortable around people being overly affectionate. BUT... just because HE doesn't like affection, doesn't mean any affection is inappropriate. And obviously he should NOT have said that in front of your DC.

He was inappropriate OP, not you.

Maitairiki - that is a very good point.

I think I am done now.

Thanks, Hermione - and yes, his background is definitely stiff upper lip and that is fine, there's nothing wrong with that. ITs' just not how I am with our kids, at least, not with our youngest who is very attention driven. And, that suits me, because I like touch and am not given any much in my marriage.

It's not resolvable. Will sleep on it and see, but, I am mindful that this is just an escalation of WTF? in our marriage and there are limits of what I'm prepared to accommodate.

God the word 'tummy' makes me cringe.

In front of the kids!? 🤯

Words are like farts - once they are out you can’t take them back.
He crossed a line there.

You are not a psychologist (are you?) so are not qualified to diagnose DH. The process for diagnosis is long and you cannot jump to conclusions about him being “on the spectrum”. I have two children who have been through his process and their characters are so different.

Don’t use this comment as an excuse to end your marriage. From what you’ve written about counselling, it seems to be a difficult relationship anyway. He said something you weren’t happy with. So? You have shown behaviour he isn’t happy with. 15-all.

You don’t need validation from MN that you believe your marriage is over. Only you and he knows that.

And referring to the Daily Mail is attention seeking - it seems to me that you want to see your “story” in the headlines!

No, he was most definitely inappropriate with your kid. What he said was disgusting. To say it over the head of an oblivious 2 year old would be gross, but an 11 year old who was fully aware of the context? I'm not sure I'd ever get past it. The 11 year old will probably remember those words for the rest of his life. It's very sad that you felt you had to give each of your dc's a safeguarding speech because of him.

You have shown behaviour he isn’t happy with. 15-all.

Being affectionate towards her children is the behaviour he isn't happy with... That's not 15 - all. It's her DH being a dick.

Though I'm also autistic and dislike all shitty behaviour being explained away as "maybe on the spectrum". Sometimes a person is just a cunt, and not autistic.

OP, you have done nothing wrong, you have not done anything you should not have done.

Your husband has issues, yes big issues infact.

Your kids are not bothered by you stroking your son's belly because there is nothing wrong about it. Don't start thinking you are doing something wrong just because your husband says so.

No one would ever think "omg that woman is a sicko for stroking her son's belly" ... The fact you are even thinking this OP, shows how screwed up your life has become in the house of no bloody touching other then for a sexual reasons.

Most people touch each other with thinking about it in a sexual way. My friend touched me today by hugging me, do I call the police now or later? My mother touched me the other day, she rubbed my back. Should I call the police now or later? See how stupid it sound.

My mother used to stroke my head or my arm when I was ill as a kid, should I call her a sicko an call the police?

I don't know why he said it but you know what? Tell him too fucking bad if he does not like it. He is the one who does not like touching, not everybody else. He made a fucked up comment and needs to say sorry. If you can't get past this OP, do not feel bad, bin him off. But sleep on it first before making the decision to end the marriage.

But don't you for one minute longer think or feel you did anything wrong when you did not! It's normal to show you love you kids by having physical contact. Fgs I would feel like my mother hated me if she would not give me a hug and I'm a adult, fuck knows how I would have felt as a kid, really rejected probably.

Sometimes there's no coming back and for me this would be the end.

I must admit I do find it....odd that you were stroking your 11yr old child? I mean, a quick, affectionate rub of the arm or back - fair enough. I guess it's the use of the word 'stroking' that sits so strangely with me.

However, his use of the word 'masturbate' in front of children is sickening and beyond disturbing. It's not you who I'd be concerned about being around the children it's him. That's not Aspergers that's twisted. His mind should NOT be going there when kids are involved - his kids. I'd be DEEPLY concerned about having him be alone with the kids. Not suggesting he is an abuser but I'd be concerned about what other things would be said in front of them. Kids should not hear that word AT ALL until early adulthood let alone have it's context described

I'd kick him out

You have to decide if, on balance after taking the entire relationship into account, you want to stay with this man or not.

His comment was totally unacceptable. That goes without saying. It's what you want and need overall that should be your thinking pot.

Are you sure he WAS accusing you?

You're reacting and writing as though he accused you of paedophilia.

But, reading what you report him as actually saying, it sounds as though it was the unfortunate APPEARANCE was what he was uncomfortable with.

While I think his choice to ask you to stop at all (but especially in the way he did) lacked social grace and consideration for you and your children, he didn’t accuse you of being a paedophile. I think your jumping to this conclusion from the situation you describe says as much about your own poor communication skills as it does your DH’s.

From the angle he saw it at it looked like masturbating is not the same thing at all as saying you were actually masturbating (his response would be atrocious and unforgivable if he had actually thought you were masturbating your son). He should have ignored it. It was rude and unnecessary to mention it at all, but to call it an accusation of peadophilia is hyperbole. You’ve been struggling in the marriage and it doesn’t look like it’s getting better or like he’s prepared to make any changes so that it can get better (and maybe you aren’t either?) - this is enough of a reason to break up. You don’t have to make up some outrageous accusation to justify it.

Although, he shouldn't have said it in front of the DC either way.

If you decide to leave the marriage because of the wider context then of course that's your choice, and it sounds like it's been a long time coming, but please do not go into it saying or thinking 'he accused me of being paedophilic' because that really isn't anywhere near what happened.

He said that you stroking your son's tummy made him feel uncomfortable because the action, the movement, the angle, whatever, made it look like you were masturbating him.

It's an incredibly inappropriate thing to say in front of your dc, and unkind because it embarrassed you all and will make you think twice before doing anything similar again.

I don't think it can be excused because your dh is autistic. I teach, and children with autism do learn that some observations have to stay in their head. Certainly by adulthood he knows not to walk around a supermarket, say, telling people they're fat or ugly. So to hold down a job, to function in society, he has learnt that you can't always say what you think. This was one of those times. I would be furious with him. Your kids are not ok with it 'because it's just how dad is', they are just trying to avoid talking about such an awful, cringy experience again with you.

So you have no affection at all in your marriage and any bit of affection or soothing of your own child is made to feel like it’s disgusting. Was he abused? Just asking. Either way I’d be leaving and showing my kids a normal living relationship is fine and I’d be looking at having a long term relationship where I did get love and support

It’s really hard when you are with a person who is not interested in physical touch my soon to be ex was is like this.
So much so no hand holding different duvets no hugging that sort of shit I know his on the spectrum although he isn’t aware . one of our children has full blown autism even my mum whose 80 says his a bit too quite and odd it was his quiet nature which I took for thoughtfulness which attracted me to him too late when I realised what I had gotten into as his so called thoughtfulness has turned into a nightmare which was lead to all sorts.
I wouldn’t over think it it’s hurtful but one of the reasons why he made that statement is due to his undiagnosed condition or needs.
Your a loving normal mum obviously the time will come when your sons will squirm and say mummmy when they begin to feel uncomfortable by your touch with them.
Don’t think to much into it but do tell him what he has made you feel and to spend a moment thinking before saying it out
This is going to be very difficult for him though.