DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

Henny,
Yes he is , but not in front of the children he isn’t .

What is developing on your dd's stomach sprouts?

Why react as though I am randomly interrogating you, though?

Because that's exactly what you did.

Fuck it. I will explain why I don't think it's appropriate. And you can maintain that you're some sort of safeguarding expert and therefore decide boundrys for everybody else. There's 2 things, I'm not comfortable touching any child near their groin beyond toddler age. My 11 year old is as tall as me and has started her periods. So it's inappropriate.

I would also feel uncomfortable because i had a parent who would touch me like this constantly. And I didn't like the constant stroking and caressing. The wandering around naked, shared baths or bear hugs or persistent kissing. Or the pats on the bottom. I didn't like any of it and it wasn't appropriate simply because I didn't like it.

My parent was not a pedophile, it was not sexual in any way at all but I still did not like it and it crossed a line. I knew it would upset my parent if I objected so I never said anything. I also knew that all this physical contact was not for my benefit but for theirs, because they were lonely and craved physical contact. I do not think I should have had to have been a substitute spouse in this way.

It really doesn't matter what you or I think about the Ops scenario. What matters is what her son thinks about having his tummy stroked. If he likes it, great. If not, it needs to stop.

Of course if her son doesn't like it it should stop. That applies to any affectionate touch, at any age. That's quite different from what you said originally, though.

Some people are more tactile than others. OP didn't suggest that her son was uncomfortable, only that his father was.

The only thing her husband did wrong was to mention masturbation and to complain about it in front of the children.

he's entitled to say if something makes him uncomfortable.

I don't entirely agree with this. Obviously, people are "entitled" to say pretty much what they like in the sense that there is no law against it but it can be pretty selfish, especially since he didn't just let his spouse know it made him uncomfortable he outright asked her not to do it.

There are some things you should just suck up and accept that your response isn't other people's problem. When two people are doing something that's not immoral, illegal or stupid, and has no impact on you other than your reaction to seeing it, in most situations the appropriate response is to turn away so you don't see it anymore, not inform them of your discomfort and certainly not demand that it stops. There are exceptions when your reaction is extreme/the sight of the offending behaviour is unavoidable/etc. but even then there should be an obligation on you to be trying to deal with your reactions rather than imposing behaviour modification on others.

The question is though, where is the line between expressing an opinion and keeping quiet.

Surely in a healthy relationship, it would be a good thing to share with your partner behaviours that make you uncomfortable?

Ideally, OP’s DH would have not said anything in the moments so not to embarrass anyone in the room, especially his DS.

But, would it have been so unreasonable for him to say later something along the lines of: “darling, I wonder if the boys are getting a bit old for intimate physical contact like bellyrubs”

Then they could have had a conversation about appropriate boundaries as DS is approaching puberty. Part of the responsibility of being a parent is, after all, teaching children about appropriate boundaries which they learn through example.

Personally I think 11 is just about fine for this sort of close physical contact - but it’s on the cusp.

@Justbreathing Yep my parents kicked me out. I was homeless for a while

He has what I think are "meltdowns" where he withdraws, soemtimes for weeks. Totally withdraws, doesn't speak to us, spend time with us, sit in the same room as us, make eye contact with us, nothing.

This is the most inappropriate behaviour on the thread. What do the children think about this and how will it affect their future relationships?

Perhaps those feeling that the OP is crossing boundaries stroking her son’s abdomen had, like me, a very unaffectionate childhood. This would have been frowned upon by my dad and mum just wouldn’t ever do it. Dad stands, arms at his side when I go hug him and cringes when I kiss him. His mother was a cold, unaffectionate woman (except with me). It seems normal to have the OP’s level of affection in some families. Some families don’t operate that way.

Thanks for the insights and suggestions. I am reading, and considering what to do next.

I am surprised at how upset I am about this. He's done and said stuff before and I have tolerated it because I can see he has a different world view from me - and it is important to acknowledge that can be bemusing, but, also has positives. I am scatty, he is very organised. I am all about "life is short", he plans finances for the future.

But, I am tired of feeling lonely and waiting for him to bend to accommodate my needs. He isn't going to be able to do that. This is just an example of mismatch.

I understand what everyone is saying about the physical touch with DS, and have thought about it. I would not have touched the older 2 the way I do him - I think because he's the "baby" and is immature in nature, perhaps the two are linked. I'm led by him, though, he seeks out attention and cuddles. We are all different. I am a responsive and careful mother, it would be a shame if this stupid statement meant my son din't get the contact he wants from me. It's not going to last, really, we're only talking a few months more.

My choice is to forgive and move on, or recognise that this is part of an ongoing problem and that is not going to change. Thank you for your insights, I really appreciate it.

I'll be brutally honest here and say that perhaps it has hit you hard because part of you thinks that you have been babying your DS and interacting with him more than is appropriate. That you do it because you like it (and need it) but you know that should not be getting that from your son. Your DH simply touched a nerve.

There's stroking and there's stroking. And sometimes parents do what makes them feel good or meets their needs, and do not what is best for the child and the child pays for it later. Parents should not always be led by children. And mostly children do what they have been taught or what they think is expected, they are not truly having their own ideas.

You treat your DS as a baby, you like the idea of him being baby-like and you say is immature. Of course it is linked.

You miss physical affection from your DH. Your other children do not want so much affection either. Your youngest DS is amenable. You make the most of that.

There are many instances where mothers make up for their husband's lack by bonding with their sons inappropriately to some degree and that is obviously going to go very wrong for the boy.

You and your DH sound fatally incompatible.

Whether your DH is the the way he is due to autism or childhood experience it sounds like a very unhealthy environment and its doing you all harm. I think you would be right to end it and make a fresh start. Have some counselling to help you through it so the kids don't bear the brunt.

Please read, take a deep breath and re-read wallsbetween last post. I couldn’t have put it better.

I know there’s a backstory and his delivery, especially in front of your kids was inexcusable but I would feel uncomfortable with watching you stroking your son’s stomach and I’m not on the spectrum and I don’t have intimacy issues.

If this ‘straw breaking’ moment forces you to be decisive about your relationship than it has had a positive impact.

I don’t think I could be married to someone so stupid. I don’t really know what to say beyond you didn’t do anything wrong and you should just ignore him/divorce him (your children seem to have caught on to his issues as well).

I would not have touched the older 2 the way I do him - I think because he's the "baby" and is immature in nature, perhaps the two are linked. I'm led by him, though, he seeks out attention and cuddles.

And there's your answer. He wants physical affection and that's very important for children so he should receive it but stroking the stomach of a prepubescent boy is a bit unusual.

Sorry the first paragraph was me quoting the OP but I didn't add the stars so it's not bolded.

I agree with him not directly accusing you of being a paedophile. However his comment was awful. I'm the mum of a 9 year old boy, he loves to be cuddled, head rubbed and holds my hand while watching tv. It's a bond that no1 will ever break, nor would I stop cuddling my son because someone has made a horrible comment.
My husband has often told me to stop babying him, my response is of my son wants to cuddle with me, he will do just that now.
There definitely seems to be other issues and maybe the reason ur son is like that is from what he sees at home. Ur husband's ways...

I think you are finding your way through this situation in a sensible and considered way, OP. Well done

I would take care to check you’re keeping your children away from this as much as you can though. I say this in response to your post where you say you told your children exactly why you weren’t able to come with them on the day out.

They need protection from this.

I suspect you’ve got used to sharing stuff with them as they are the most emotionally mature family members who are on a par with your emotional development, versus your (d)h. But you have to balance this closeness with remembering that sometimes you have to put the lines back in there, and separate yourself from them... even though that means you are effectively alone.

I suspect it won’t feel so alone if you got rid of the husband who is the black hole draining you and the family unit of emotions and the signs and gestures of love and care.

However his comment was awful. I'm the mum of a 9 year old boy, he loves to be cuddled, head rubbed and holds my hand while watching tv. It's a bond that no1 will ever break, nor would I stop cuddling my son because someone has made a horrible comment.

Again, cuddles and head rubbing is not what was happening and the boy in question is 11 not 9.