DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

I don't like the attacks on the OP. I can totally understand where she's coming from, OK her H didn't say the words "paedophile" to her in his comments, but it's quite clearly implicit in what he said! Talking about masturbating your 11yo son, when you are simply comforting your child, quite clearly says he is thinking they are a paedophile and potentially involved in incestual behaviour.
And to say it, out loud, IN FRONT of the children, is utterly abhorrent behaviour and yes would have me LTB

And it really doesn't matter, to the NT partner, that the abuse they experience from the ASD partner is unwitting and not deliberate, to the NT partner the end result is the same, its abuse. And its horrible,and just because the ASD partner "doesn't mean to do it" is totally irrelavent. It's still abuse, and horrific to live with, and shouldn't be lived with. .

Imagine If a wife said this to her husband. It would be over.

I couldnt even look at my 'd'h if he had said that to me.

Happy

Are you going for humour?

And it really doesn't matter, to the NT partner, that the abuse they experience from the ASD partner is unwitting and not deliberate, to the NT partner the end result is the same, its abuse.

It isn't abuse if it's unintentional. Possibly neglect.Probably profound incompatability.

But the answer is not to marry an aspie. Or to leave. Not to hang around being cruel and disablist.

I'm reading him Phillip Reeve's A Web of Air, which we are both enjoying.

He's having himself a little Harry Potter re-read.

Obviously if he graduates to jazz mags I will absent myself.

What a sad fucking world in which 15 year old boys aren't allowed physical affection from their parents.

It really still is, abuse. The law doesn't discriminate. Don't try to blame the OP for this

@MrsBertBibby I can't see anything wrong with what you do

It isn't abuse if it's unintentional.

Don’t be ridiculous.

It really still is, abuse. The law doesn't discriminate. Don't try to blame the OP for this

I've made no attempt to blame OP for anything.

I do blame you for your bigotry.

Nobody who has ever been on the receiving end of DA would ever mistake it for merely cohabiting with an aspie.

If you're too NT to be married to someone with an ASC, then don't be. Easy.

Besides, the OP's DH hasn't been diagnosed with a spectrum condition. This is all just more MN armchair psychology.

What is wrong with stroking his tummy?! What he said was out of order! In relationships you need to watch out for these red flags and heed them. I would struggle to tolerate this

Oh @RubberPlantTree ODFOD. What utter, utter shite.

Fifteen year old boys are allowed affection from their parents, bert. No one said they aren’t.

Just the same, the type of physical affection you apparently undergo with your son is very intimate and in most contexts would be given to a much younger child or to a partner.

@HappyLoneParentDay
You had your own flat at 15

I’m sorry. That’s horrible. I’m sorry you had to do that, I’m sure in your head you feel stronger for it. But really unless all your family members were dead, that’s what incredibly sad for you.

Not one of your loved ones lived with you at such a vulnerable age. I actually stunned at that. It’s so sad.

"What a sad fucking world in which 15 year old boys aren't allowed physical affection from their parents."

You're tucking him into bed at 15! At what age are you going to stop? 25? 50?

My brother (40) has Aspergers and pretty much has no filter. Some of the time he can be absolutely lovely. However, he is also just a total arse at times (as people can be), nothing to do with his diagnosis!
Just because someone is on the spectrum does not give them the green light to say anything they like all of the time.

To me, someone on the spectrum could say this as it was what was in his head but without accusing you of pedophilia - he said it 'looked like', not that you were or he thought you would.
It was insensitive to say in front of the children though.

Tucking in teenagers is wrong? News to me. DH tucks in our two boys (nearly 15 and nearly 17) every single night and says the same silly little rhyme to them he's been saying since they were infants. I say goodnight and cuddle them downstairs before they go up. It's a routine left over from when I used to bf them before bed and then he'd take them up.

17yo travels all over the country going to conferences, sits on national youth panels for several organisations, has organised himself internships over the summer and has been with his gf for a year. I don't think he's been stunted by being emotionally nurtured and cherished by his parents

I must admit I do find it....odd that you were stroking your 11yr old child? I mean, a quick, affectionate rub of the arm or back - fair enough. I guess it's the use of the word 'stroking' that sits so strangely with me.

FFS I have an 11 year old and I stroke him. He's delightful and gorgeous and I love to stroke his back or shins or head or arms when we are sitting on the sofa together. He stretches his legs over mine and I stroke him and it's lovely.

If someone, anyone said that to me in front of my son I'd fucking kill them. I mean that. How dare he. That is so unbelievably harmful to YOUR relationship with your son. He may well have given the kiss of death to your physical affection right there, if your son starts to feel awkward about it. What an absolute idiot.
I don't know if he's autistic - my bf is, and he's a quirky, slightly unusual guy but he adores his kids and gives them loads of affection. It sounds more like your husband is extremely avoidant. He may have had an attachment disorder as a child. Who knows. He's horrible - I can't imagine why you would want to save this marriage tbh

I would find it uncomfortable to watch as well. Even the lying together on the sofa, I would find uncomfortable.

How incredibly sad for you that this makes you uncomfortable

FFS angry I have an 11 year old and I stroke him. He's delightful and gorgeous and I love to stroke his back or shins or head or arms when we are sitting on the sofa together. He stretches his legs over mine and I stroke him and it's lovely.

Yes, stroking his back, arms, hair is lovely. The OP was stroking her son's abdomen.

My 21 year old puts his legs over mine so I can rub his feet.

I'd probably leave my DH if he said what yours did in front of the DCs.

I sometimes tuck in my DSs 16 and 14. More regularly they tuck me in, coming into my room when I’m dying to pass out at the end of a long day and one either side cuddling and talking about nonsense. Sometimes it’s the perfect time for one of them to share something hard going on for them, or a story about their day, or a memory of their younger years. There’s holding and stroking and hair kissing and often a cat in the mix somewhere.

OP, you are parenting your 11 year old as he is showing you he needs to be parented. I would be furious if someone expressed that they found it distasteful in any way. It’s like all the people who find breastfeeding distasteful and express it. Incorrect, invalidating, and twisted.

I would be worried for your DH. What has he seen or been through, or was he trying to be suggestive about his own desires? I would find this really hard to handle and would be considering my relationship with him, not my DS.

I personally would not be comfortable stroking my dds stomach and I'd not be comfortable watching somebody else do something similar. At 11 they are usually developing and it's a bit too intimate I think.

But he shouldn't have said what he did in front of your children.