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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH thought I was being inappropriate with our kid. WTF?

216 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 07/07/2019 00:10

Fuck off, DM

DS is 11, a cuddly, affectionate, attention seeking youngest of three.

DH is, I think, on the spectrum. He does not need physical affection, or any affection, and this is impacting our marriage which has been limping along for a decade - because I find living without affection or physical touch a challenge.

Tonight, all 5 of us were in the same room. DH was playing cards with the older two, DS11 was lying next to me on a small settee. I stroked his tummy, DH said "please don't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" "what?" "it looks like you are masturbating him"

I am a bit lost. And, also, fuck off, Daily Mail.

Have spoken to each of the 3 kids to say if I, or anyone else, did anything that made them uncomfortable or scared they have to tell - and that I don't care who they tell, but, they have to tell someone. They all said "its just dad, he doesn't get it". They love him and understand him, and accept that he's a bit "quirky".

Nevertheless, my husband just accused me of being a paedophile.

There are some situations from which there is no going back in a marriage. And, I think this probably is one.

Anyone with insight into whether a man with aspergers might misinterpret a mothers' touch to her 11 year old kid? I KNOW that people on the spectrum does not equal dick head, I know that. It's what has been holding our marriage together for so long - my continual efforts to understand and accommodate his (undiagnosed) way of seeing the world.

I suppose that if this comment is not rationally explained by a clumsiness of social interaction then our marriage is fucked.

Suggestions of ways forward from this?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 00:00

What is developing on your dd's stomach sprouts? Shock

It's not any more of an intimate area than the back or arms, surely?

Affectionate touch is good for human beings. It's only inappropriate if the child doesn't want it.

sprouts21 · 08/07/2019 00:10

Greensleaves I won't be explaining why I'm not comfortable stroking my 11 year old tummy. I'm just not. If you're happy to do that, great.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 00:16

Don't explain then, if it wigs you out Confused

Why react as though I am randomly interrogating you, though? You came onto a thread where people are discussing that exact subject and commented that somebody else's choice made you uncomfortable - what did you think was going to happen?

bebeboeuf · 08/07/2019 00:25

Wow, stoking a stomach is seen as inappropriate ?!

My DS loves me comforting him with a tummy stroke

I’ve done it since he was tiny when he might have felt sore and he asks me to do it now sometimes too

HennyPennyHorror · 08/07/2019 00:48

Green Of COURSE it's more intimate to stroke a stomach than a back or arms.

FFS.

I'm not suggesting OP is a pervert but that she has some boundary issues....as it seems a number of people on this thread do.

All the hysterical comments about how people who think as I do are "Sad" and "Missing out" are also hysterical. I fully understand how important it is for all children to be shown physical affection.

It's vital and a lovely thing.

But some parts of the body are off limits. The stomach is very close to the groin. It's not a suitable place for stroking.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 00:58

The stomach is off limits because it's close to the groin? I pat my ds2 on the lower back when I kiss him goodnight, is that wrong because it's close to his bum?

Nope, I don't see it. There's a gulf of difference between inappropriate/erotic touch and a parent affectionately stroking a child's tummy.

avamiah · 08/07/2019 01:05

HennyPennyHorror,
I have to agree with you.
My daughter is 9 years old and her father would not even dream of stroking her tummy even if she complained of tummy ache and too be honest she wouldn’t expect him.

TanMateix · 08/07/2019 01:10

**

avamiah · 08/07/2019 01:10

Greensleeves,
Yes but we are talking about a 11 year old , not a 2 year old.

HennyPennyHorror · 08/07/2019 01:11

Greensleeves in your opinion.

I'm not repressed or paranoid. The fact remains that for many people, that area is a very sensual one and shouldn't be touched unless there's a medical issue.

The amount of people here who agree with me rather proves that boundaries vary. 11 is young...but it's edging towards puberty. That's a time when some boundaries should be drawn.

That doesn't mean no touching or affection but it should me some care is taken.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:13

Why does a mother affectionately stroking a much-loved child in a non-erogenous zone become inappropriate between 2 and 11 though?

I can think of many behaviours which are normal with a toddler but need to have stopped by 11 - naked bathing together, for example. The behaviour the OP describes just doesn't fall into that category. There's nothing wrong with it.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:16

I didn't call you paranoid or repressed. I don't have "boundary issues", if we're doing disclaimers. I'm a former safeguarding lead of a national youth organisation and an abuse survivor, so boundaries are pretty important to me and my sons.

The number of people who agree with OP/me on this thread is also pretty significant - so yes, clearly people have very different thresholds for appropriate touch of pubescent children. I'm trying to explore why you and others find this particular interaction inappropriate, because to me it doesn't cross any lines.

TanMateix · 08/07/2019 01:17

It isn't abuse if it's unintentional. Possibly neglect.Probably profound incompatability.

It is abuse while the consequences and its impact is the same. If you accidentally kill someone with your car would you say it is not manslaughter because you didn’t mean it?

OP... there is so much you can do to work a marriage around a man you don’t enjoy having around, personally... if you leave him the only thing you will regret is not leaving him years before. Must warn you, however, that trying to parent kids in a separate family scenario with someone that “doesn’t get emotion” is absolute hell (but still better than killing your soul slowly one day at a time)

HennyPennyHorror · 08/07/2019 01:21

Greensleeves I wouldn't stroke that area at any age. And your language is emotive. I'm sure all our children are "much loved" but that's not relevant here.

I never said you called me paranoid or repressed but was mentioning that because that's intimated by other posters...that anyone who thinks as I do is paranoid.

As you say, you're interested in why this particular touch crosses boundaries but not for you...well I've explained. It's too sensual and sensitive a place and it's close to the groin.

Someone upthread compared it to them touching their child's lower back with a pat...not the same at all. A lower back is all muscle. The stomach is close to the groin and a more sensitive area. There's just no need to stroke it. Arms, hair, foreheads and back or shoulders are appropriate places to touch in a stroking manner.

avamiah · 08/07/2019 01:21

Also there has been many times when i wasn’t at home to wash my 9 year olds hair so her dad did it.
She has long thick hair and needs help with it so she would do as she does at swimming class and put her swimsuit on in the bath and her dad would come and wash her hair then leave her to get a shower .

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:25

If you wouldn't consider it appropriate to stroke a child's tummy at any age then we really are worlds apart in our understanding of what is inappropriate touch. Baby massage (which avoids the groin area, because it's inappropriate to touch there) focuses on the stomach/abdominal area, because touch there is soothing and enjoyable for the child.

I think all we are going to get from this discussion is that we don't and won't agree. I don't understand your position and I don't think you understand mine.

HennyPennyHorror · 08/07/2019 01:27

Green as I said above in one of my posts, touching the stomach area for medical reasons is fine. That includes baby massage or rubbing a sore stomach.

But casual stroking of the area whilst relaxing makes me uncomfortable. It's too sensual.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:29

Baby massage isn't a medical scenario, it's done for bonding and pleasure.

I disagree that it's sensual in the way that you imply. Touch between a parent and child where there is no abusive intent, just love and affection, isn't erotic for either party. And the stomach isn't the genitals. Personally I find the lower back far more erogenous than the stomach.

avamiah · 08/07/2019 01:31

In my opinion I do not agree with OP.
This is my opinion and I’m a mum to a 9 year old girl who is developing everyday into a young woman.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:33

Yes, I know Confused

I DO agree with OP, and I have 15 and nearly 17 year old boys who are turning into delightful and decent young men.

avamiah · 08/07/2019 01:36

Greensleeves,
What are You agreeing with ?
As I must of lost the thread somewhere ??

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:38

Is this a joke?

I agree with OP that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing (stroking her son's tummy) and her husband's attitude is appalling.

avamiah · 08/07/2019 01:54

Greensleeves,
No this isn’t a Joke,
But you are entitled to your opinion.

Greensleeves · 08/07/2019 01:54

Thank you Flowers

HennyPennyHorror · 08/07/2019 02:04

The only thing her husband did wrong was to mention masturbation and to complain about it in front of the children.

he's entitled to say if something makes him uncomfortable.