DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

[wheresthewinedamnit]

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

When you say possible half sibling does that mean he doubts the paternity? Has there ever been a DNA test?

How was he used as a sperm donor? Also how does he know it's his kid?

He's not going to have to pay unless it's his child. I'd imagine he can request a paternity if there's any doubt.

As for the mum being crazy - this is all his side. It sounds like you haven't spoken to the woman, just got a letter. He could easily be lying to avoid paying. Making her seem insane and lessening what he's done ie not take responsibility (wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened).

How can he believe this woman is crazy and yet leave his child in her care without any form of input?

Total madness

There is a lot of "DH claims" in your post?

Are you doubting his version of events? Do you thinking he is hiding something from
you?

Yet your thread title implies you are unhappy about him paying for this child?

Oh dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice man.

I wouldn't lie to your children about their sibling would be my advice.

‘Mentally unstable and poisonous’ but leaves a vulnerable person (child) with her?

You know he could’ve fought for access, you know he was just a shit father who put his own interests above that of his own child.

Sweetjasmine - He is paying child support, he’s never tried to get out of paying.

When we first met he had doubts that the child was even his and a dna test has never been done.

When he says he was used as a donor he wasn’t literally, he says she lied about being on the pill and planned the whole thing then stopped all contact.

You dont sound like you believe him 100%. Him saying she would deatroy your relationship and him refusing to have contact would make me think there was some overlap with yours and their relationship.

He needs to go to court for access. Also why havent your children been told? Why is this child a secret?

What is he afraid of?

I think the only way to solve this is to first find out whether he is the father. If he is, then he needs to continue paying but presumably can also get access to his child.

Have you seen the abusive messages from the child’s mother?

Agree that he should ask the CMS for a paternity test to be done and then approach the court for contact time with the DC.

@wheresthewinedamnit

I don't think that's an excuse for not being there, whatever problem there may be with the mum. The child was not involved.

Plus whenever you have sex there's always a chance of pregnancy even with contraception. Don't like it, abstain or use two forms.

Like someone else said, if he really cared he could have gone to court, so from what you've said I feel like there's more he's not saying

Sorry OP but you sound very gullible.

What is the progress of his legal case to gain PR? ....Oh yeah there isn't one bcause he'd rather leave his child in the sole care of someone who is mentally unstable 🤔

How old is the child?

Is he being treated for bi polar? I think he needs professional help as the CMS letter may have been a trigger but it is not the cause.

I doubt there is much you can do, seeing his child when he is not stable is probably not good for anyone at this stage.

Do you love your DH?

It doesn’t sound like he wants contact with his child. If he is going to be not interested or dip in and out of his child’s life then he should not contact her.

I’m not sure how/why you ended up with a man who only does the bare legal minimum for his child (and it sounds like that is only because he has no choice) but this isn’t your problem to fix. If you think it is having a negative impact on his mental well being then encourage him to speak to his GP or mental health team.

Why hasn't he sought access through court, or even requested a DNA test.
Oh and don't fall for the crazy ex story.
One day this tale will be told about you.

When we first met he had doubts that the child was even his and a dna test has never been done
Well that’s just bloody ridiculous isn’t it. Do you honestly believe him OP?!

When he says he was used as a donor he wasn’t literally, he says she lied about being on the pill and planned the whole thing then stopped all contact.

I really do think men who don't want kids with random women, really need to take responsibility for where their sperm ends up.

Wouldn't you fight tooth and nail to be in your child's life? I know both me and dh would, and anyone I know.
How could you be with someone who treats his child like this.
What will happen to your kids when he moves on to the next woman?

My ex had a "crazy" ex wife who "trapped" him with pregnancy. Guess what he said when we had a genuine contraception fail plus used MAP and I became pregnant?

That's exactly the story my ex told to his girlfriend. The one he moved in with when our youngest was 4 weeks old. I came home, and all his stuff was gone. We didn't hear anything from him for 5 years, other than the letter his solicitor sent me asking me to stop attempting contact because he wanted to involvement with the children.

He told her all the things you've said here. Although we had 2 children so I don't know why on earth she believed he'd been tricked into them. All completely lies of course; they wete wanted and planned for. He just changed his mind and wanted the child free life, but no decent woman would want him if they knew that so he started that affair whilstbi was pregnant and told her all the same nonsense your husband has told you.

Always be wary of someone who speaks about their ex like that.

The world seems to be almost entirely populated by batshit-crazy exes.

Funny never a story when the men did anything wrong. They were always trapped done against there will.

He clearly doesn’t want contact with the child, doesn’t want to discuss it as sure there will be holes in the story.

You say he has mh issues maybe it was his behaviour that was not ok???