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Original poster

DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

181 replies

wheresthewinedamnit · 29/06/2019 12:02

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

OP posts:
AnthonyCrowley · 29/06/2019 16:54

Does he actually want to sort out contact? How old is the kid? How old are your kids? At some point they need to be told.

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 17:59

Surely nothing will happen until it's established that he is actually the father.
I don't understand why these people don't put the fathers name on the birth certificate if they know who the father is.
Surely his name will go on the certificate if he is proven to be the father and liable for the child support payment.

Does he want contact with the child if it's proven it's his ?
Surely it's irrelevant what he has to say about his ex, if she is that bad, he will obviously fight for custody once paternity is proven.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 18:02

I don't understand why these people don't put the fathers name on the birth certificate if they know who the father is.

The father has to be present if the woman isn’t married to him.

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 18:02

Sorry, if he's been paying his child support payments, why has the letter traumatised him?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 18:02

Present at the registration I mean.

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 18:04

They need to get their shit together then, if they are going to bring a child into the world, the child deserves to have a record of who it's mother and father are.

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 18:06

How long has that been the law, as my friends husband went to register the birth but didn't need the mother their or is that ok it's just the mother can't register the father? Just wondering

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 18:07

Ah just seen key info "if they are unmarried " sorry !!!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 18:10

Yes if they’re married I think either one can register the baby alone. I think marriage certificate might be required to be shown? Maybe not.

But if they’re not married the mother can only register the child alone. Father cannot. But father must be present to be named.

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 18:12

Yeah sorry for my confusion on it lol
Yeah people need to get it together, I think it terrible kids don't have their fathers name on birth certificates, when people know who it is.

readitandwept · 29/06/2019 18:17

@bourbonbiccy But how do you suggest a mother does that without the dads consent? People could be naming anyone on there.

readitandwept · 29/06/2019 18:17

And I say that as someone who doesn't know her dads identity.

BelulahBlanca · 29/06/2019 18:18

@bourbonbiccy What if the father refuses to be on the BC?

DixieFlatline · 29/06/2019 18:19

When we first met he had doubts that the child was even his and a dna test has never been done.

And that is where you stop all contact with such a bellend, not shack up with him. Confused

TooTrueToBeGood · 29/06/2019 18:21

Sorry, if he's been paying his child support payments, why has the letter traumatised him?

My thoughts too. My guess? Because he's been paying what he fancies, when he fancies, not what he should be paying.

The whole story is just the usual deadbeat dad book of excuses. She trapped him, she's batshit crazy, he tried oh so hard to be part of his child's life (barring actually getting legal advice and going to court no doubt) and it hurts his caring wee heart so much he's got depression.

Bullsit, bullshit, bullshit. And the reason he doesn't want to talk about it is because he knows it won't stand up to any degree of scrutiny.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 18:38

I think it terrible kids don't have their fathers name on birth certificates, when people know who it is.

One of my Dc doesn’t have his father’s name on his BC. He wasn’t interested in him when he was born. I had no choice but to register him alone. I have tried twice in 14 years to have him added to the BC. I Collected the forms and filled them in. All he had to do was sign. He said he wanted to be on the BC so I sent him the forms. They were never returned or sent off. Twice. He has no contact with our son for over two years. My son knows him. Knows who he is and what sort of a father he is. At 14 he thinks his father doesn’t deserve a place on his birth certificate. Not sure what else I can do here?

mindutopia · 29/06/2019 18:47

This is exactly the story of my friend’s dd. Her dad panicked after he attended her 12 week scan, went home, packed all his things and disappeared. He met someone new a month or so later and they quickly married and went on to have several dc of their own. His new wife buys exactly the same story from him (I know both of them, it’s a small world).

In fact, his new wife doesn’t know he planned that baby carefully (friend has fertility issues), has hidden income from CSA to pay the bare bones minimum, and has completely re-written the narrative of his old life because he’s just a big coward. My friend is a lovely wonderful mum and their dd is gorgeous and thriving despite having such a waste of space for a biological father. I suspect the story you have gotten is not the truth or even close to it.

NameChangeNugget · 29/06/2019 19:40

They both sound equally as bad

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 19:49

Sorry but at what point have a blamed the mother, I said "they" need to get it together. No need for everyone to get defensive over things I haven't said.
In @JoxerGoesToStuttgart situation obviously the father of her child needs to get his shit together,

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 19:51

@bourbonbiccy What if the father refuses to be on the BC
Then he needs to get his shit together and shouldn't be having children

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 19:51

bourbonbiccy But how do you suggest a mother does that without the dads consent? People could be naming anyone on there.

I don't suggest she does

Graphista · 29/06/2019 21:06

You've been fed the usual line about a "crazy ex" who "stops me seeing my kid" that he was "tricked into" fathering in the first place!

It's so so so common.

You only know what he's told you, what he's allowed you to know.

Have you actually seen evidence of the child maintenance payments? The csa letter he recently received? His communications with his ex?

His own health issues don't negate the possibility, even likelihood that he's lied to you about the true situation here.

"he says she lied about being on the pill" again

A - you've only his word for that

B - he's a grown adult, if he's old enough to have sex he's old enough to take responsibility for his own fertility

C - just her getting pregnant is not proof she lied! Contraception fails on occasion. My first pregnancy was a pill failure and I was absolutely taking it properly, hadn't had an upset stomach or any meds that would have interfered. Sometimes shit happens!

If he really believed he wasn't the father he would have insisted on a DNA test not paid cm for a child he's not even sure is biologically his!

"The world seems to be almost entirely populated by batshit-crazy exes."
None of whom are deemed unfit parents - funny that eh?!

Whathappenedtooursummer · 29/06/2019 21:15

Csa offer dna testing. Why would he just pay without proof?

user1481840227 · 29/06/2019 21:38

I've never once heard of a man telling a story like this and it turned out to be true!! and your guy is waving the biggest red flag of all because he has nothing to do with the child!

Also as someone who found out in my early 20s that I had a half sibling that neither of my parents bothered to tell me about then I can tell you that your kids have a right to know...although of course that is age dependent, there isn't much point in telling them if they are very young and won't get to meet the child and won't understand but they absolutely should be told as they get older!

combatbarbie · 29/06/2019 21:57

There are people out there like the OP explains.....i experienced it when I was with my ex, seen all the letters, text, was there for alot of the calls.

However I'm fairly certain that my ex has also played the same lines with his DP.... Also stringed out the csa dna test when we'd also had a private one done shortly after the birth.