DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

[wheresthewinedamnit]

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

What do you know about the woman? Maybe there is something about her that causes him to not want DNA testing or contact - she's married, she's a sex worker, she's high profile, something.....

Funny how pp turns up within minutes of someone saying that they think the OP wont come back. Then says she is going to read and doesnt come back again.

I suspect that the OP suspects, there’s a lot more to her partner’s story than what he’s saying. The sad truth is that there are too many men who don’t take responsibility for contraception and then play the victim when a child is conceived. It’s as if ‘I was tricked’ and ‘she’s crazy’ are get out clauses for just being a shitty human.

There’s nothing you can do until he’s prepared to face up to his past. However, it doesn’t mean you have to live with the fall out.

Beginning to wonder if your DH is my XH.

Mine claims he was basically a sperm donor, I'm crazy, won't let him see the baby, just after his money. Hasn't asked for a DNA test, pays CM, and moans about the impact on his mental health.

In reality we were in a serious relationship (actually married in fact) and DS was a result of failed contraception. He's never asked to see him and has been a horrible person.

Just be seriously aware you only have his version of events. I'm sure my XH's friends and family think I'm a crazy sperm stealing woman. Meanwhile I'm doing everything solo for our jointly created child.

Thanks for all your replies. I’m only now managing to respond. If I am completely honest, I don’t believe him. There are many things that don’t add up about his story and even if she “lied about being on the pill” as he said- he still had unprotected sex and being on the pill is not always reliable. I spoke to him about it last night and basically he has no intention of attempting to contact his child. He said he can’t afford to go through the courts and that it would “destroy him”. He said the only way in which he would see his child is if
he had zero contact with the mum. His attitude was basically “what do you want me to do about it?” I asked him if he plans to tell our children about this and he said “a long long time in the future MAYBE he will tell them. And that is up to him to decide apparently. 🤔 I asked him what he would do in ten/15 years time if his son contacted him and wanted to know why he hasn’t been in touch at all and he just shrugged. My question is-what the hell do I do now? Dh takes the attitude that this is only affecting him. He’s paying child support and he just wants to forget the whole thing ever happened. I have no idea where we go from here😔

Well I could not be with someone I did not love or respect and I could not respect someone who was behaving this way.

But unfortunately he is incredibly likely to also cut your children off and refuse to see them if you leave him.

Will he do a dna test?

I think there is something about it that he's not telling you, OP. That aside, he does not have the the right to make unilateral decisions about what your joint childrenI should/shouldn't know. How selfish and immature to think that his desire to not be in contact with his other child's mother trumps that child's right to know his dad. That's so sad. It would worry me that he is capable of behaving and thinking like that. As I said upthread, my ex now has two children that he was "trapped" into.

It’s better emotionally for your children to grow up “always knowing” they have an older sibling but they won’t be able to see him/her until they’re adults, than to have dinking turn up unexpectedly and for your children to have their world turned upside down that both their parents lied to them for their whole childhood. But you already know that which is why you’re upset about it.

not sure MH issues are grounds for being such a crap dad...

They're not. I hate the way MH issues are used to justify being a crap parent. I have MH issues (complex PTSD as a result of childhood SA) and nothing would make me abandon one of my DDs. And I know other people with MH issues (yes, including bi-polar) who are totally brilliant parents.

Rant over. But don't let this man pull the wool over your eyes, OP. Whatever the truth about his ex, he abandoned his child.

But it is not only affecting him is it? You and your dc are not getting full benefit of his income or support, his ex and her dc are not receiving any practical or emotional support. What if the child wants to meet him and ask questions in future. Tbh it sounds as if he uses mh issues to evade you getting to the truth of the situation and avoid responsibility all round. What else does he seem conveniently disinterested in?

Dh takes the attitude that this is only affecting him.

Yes, because living with a man who doesn't eat or sleep and claims to be "traumatised" by receiving a letter from CMS must be a total walk in the park.

Let's hope his kid isn't traumatised by the fact it's dad doesn't give a shit.

What an arsehole your husband is.

If a man has accepted paternity at the start of a claim for child maintenance and later changes his mind ,after the maintenance has been calculated, he has to arrange his own DNA test. The only time a test might be funded by CMS is if there is real doubt he could be the father such as he was out if the country at the time of conception.
If the mother refuses a test he has to apply to the courts for a Declaration of Non Parentage. If found not to be the father maintenance is only refunded from when paternity was first disputed. Any other money would have to be pursued through the courts .

I didnt think men had to pay CM if his name was not on birth certificate? Also DNA would help the situation..then at least any loose ends such as these could be tied up.

Yes your husband is certainly hiding something about his relationship with his ex. Guilt not mental health issues is more likely.

And yes the crazy ex is normally suggestive of a very bad break up - and the lack of acknowledgment of the child is a further sign that whatever happened he does not want you to know.

Why not? Everyone can speculate - but not applying for access suggests very much that he is worried about what comes out at court. Whatever that will be, it won’t be that the ex is crazy. She’s fine - because she’s looking after a child, just like you.

I hope your husband treats you and your children well. Does he?

My question is-what the hell do I do now?

If you know her name, makes contact, tell her you’d like your children to know their sibling. She may refuse in which case there’s is nothing you can do. Or she may be open to that.

As far as your husband is concerned, well he is pathetic and I couldn’t be with someone like him.

Sorry op but I have very little sympathy for women who knowingly have kids with men who've already abandoned one child. You always knew he was a terrible father

BTW OP what do your in-laws know of this child?

He said the only way in which he would see his child is if he had zero contact with the mum.

He knows that is an impossible condition. Let's cut the crap. He's saying he has no intention of having any sort of relationship with his child. The condition is just his futile attempt to try and put a little bit of varnish on a massive turd.

My question is-what the hell do I do now?

Hopefully you read the glaring warning signs and don't have children with him. He has proven himself very capable of completely switching off any paternal feelings he should have. Why would you gamble that he would be any different with children he would have with you?

OP does have children with him.

I agree with @twattymctwatterson

You knew what he was. And that story of "oh, it was all the psycho ex. I was tricked. I'm innocent". We all know it's bullshit. And you knew it too. Fundamentally, he is a man who abandoned a child. That's who he is. It's who he will always be.

@TheInvestigator @wheresthewinedamnit

What's done is done. The OP is not looking for sympathy but advice on how to proceed. Telling someone they should have known better is hardly helpful

We are all human and gullible at times. We've all believed things we wanted to believe. Nobody is infallible. She's listening to her instinct now and trying to figure out a difficult situation where there are no winners. I hate these posts were people just tell off the OP for not doing it differently in the first place. Very unhelpful and you could put off vulnerable people from posting who might need advice. Nobody can turn the clock back

Sorry @wheresthewinedamnit - I meant to tag @twattymctwatterson

@twattymctwatterson he hadn’t abandoned the child when we first met and was making steps towards having contact. There was a number of solicitors letters he received and talk of contact centres so as far as I was aware the child was going to be in our lives. Dh and I were married and had our first child pretty quickly into our relationship (I had a surprise pregnancy (please no judging)but unfortunately during that time he completely shut down and refused to discuss what was going to happen with the other child. He is a good dad to our children, very loving and hands on. Unfortunately he has taken the attitude that he’s doing what he needs to do with child support and he just wants to forget the whole thing. 😔

I honestly don’t know where to proceed from here. I would love for him to meet his son and for him to have regular contact. A number of years have passed but I don’t feel like it’s too late. He could still try to meet him. I worry about the future of our relationship after his lack of any attempts at contacting this child. I do have doubts about spending my life with a man who could do that. Going to speak to a relate councillor to decide what to do next.