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Original poster

DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

181 replies

wheresthewinedamnit · 29/06/2019 12:02

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/07/2019 08:16

It's not unheard of for women to use men to have a baby and nothing more. They don't want a relationship with them or for them to be part of the child's life.

It may be that she doesn't want him to have any contact with the child and that's why she became abusive in her messages.

He really should have got a DNA test at the time though.

BillywilliamV · 01/07/2019 08:21

My father supported a child for 20 years on the basis of a woman saying it was his. As children, we knew nothing about it, my Mum told me when I was 30ish. Both my Mum and I saw it as an honourable thing that my Dad had done. They were very poor but he always paid.
I’m telling you this because there are good men out there!

TanMateix · 01/07/2019 08:32

I told you, the only thing that would make him improve is to put that child in the back of his mind and continue paying maintenance correctly. There is no nasty woman, he is the one rejecting this child.

OP, please don’t assume either that his ex and child will welcome a change of mind this late and an interest in becoming part of this child life. They may be happier left alone especially if her memories of him is a guy with a chaotic behaviour that left her holding the baby. She may have been trying to raise that child a happy child away of all these traumas, she may have married and she and her child gained stability with another man. Barging yourselves into their present might not be as welcome as you are expecting to be. They may not want to re open old wounds. It seems to me that you are the only person here who wants that contact, so I would suggest to channel your good intentions into ensuring he pays child maintenance correctly and in time and let things rest.

Rosemary46 · 01/07/2019 08:44

OP - what he means is that if you don’t STFU and do as you are told then he will make any threats he feels necessary to keep you in your place.

I bet that next time you raise it, he will threaten to leave you or have an affair. Because threatening to kill himself didn't have the desired effect, he will try a new tactic.

What are you most scared about ? He will use that against you.

If you worry about money and depend on his wage, he will threaten to leave his job.

If you worry about him leaving and taking the kids, he will threaten that.

If you have ever had mental health problems or an addiction, he will say you are ill / using again and he will report you to social services and you will lose your kids.

Its all about control.

WhatsInAName19 · 01/07/2019 08:59

My father supported a child for 20 years on the basis of a woman saying it was his. As children, we knew nothing about it, my Mum told me when I was 30ish. Both my Mum and I saw it as an honourable thing that my Dad had done. They were very poor but he always paid.
I’m telling you this because there are good men out there!

Is this for real? It’s not “honourable” to take financial responsibility for your own child. It’s a basic parental obligation. It sounds like your dad didn't bother to actually bring his child up or have contact with them if you didn't even know about them until you were 30. That's categorically NOT the mark of a "good man" FGS.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/07/2019 09:31

Honourable to do nothing more than pay for your child’s food and clothes for it’s entire life? Hardly. It doesn’t even meet the bare minimum a child can expect from a parent.

RantyAnty · 01/07/2019 10:16

OP has your DH been diagnosed with a mental issue and is he currently being treated for it?

If he isn't, I would insist he go.

I would quietly call the child's mum while he is out and gently talk to her if she is willing to talk. If she is willing to talk, at least you will know more about the situation. I wouldn't tell him you're doing it either.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 01/07/2019 10:37

People have such low expectations when paying for a child you creates is classed a honourable.

It's the bare minimum

Original poster
wheresthewinedamnit · 01/07/2019 10:46

@rantyanty he’s been diagnosed with severe clinical depression and is receiving treatment. He’s had counciling in the past although refuses to attend couples therapy with me which is a shame. He tells me he hates himself and that most days he just wants to die😢He says he would never actually do anything but hearing him talk like this is extremely concerning. I have no way of contacting his ex. I know her name and that’s about it. She’s not on FB either.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/07/2019 10:56

rather you than me OP. I couldnt date a man who had no contact with his kids. I think thats pretty low. EVen shitty men manage to get basic contact if they make the effort.

Buyitinbamboo · 01/07/2019 11:04

He's not a good dad... You don't just get to be a good dad to some of your kids.

I personally could never be with a man like that.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 01/07/2019 11:07

So he has been mentally ill to the point he cant function the whole of your relationship and marriage?

He doesnt work? You are the main wage earner?

Ravingstarfish · 01/07/2019 11:11

Why aren’t you answering questions? How old is the child?

Original poster
wheresthewinedamnit · 01/07/2019 11:18

He does work, he works full time and is the main earner. (Work part time)

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthewinedamnit · 01/07/2019 11:19

That should have said that I work part time

OP posts:
ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 01/07/2019 11:21

Ah so he is well enough to get to work and maintain a career, but not discuss this issue with you.

Or bother with his child.

Wow, prince amongst men.

WomanLikeMeLM · 01/07/2019 11:27

.

lyralalala · 01/07/2019 11:28

Why are you pushing contact between him and his child?

If he wants contact with his child then that’s for him to push.

My girls hadn’t had contact with their Dad for nearly two years (his choice) until he was jollied along into it by his new girlfriend. For a short space of time one of them had the Dad of her dreams (the other refused contact) with days out and happy little family groups. She was incredibly happy.

Guess what’s happened three months down the line now he’s split with the girlfriend?... I now have a child to deal with who has been heartbroken by her father for the second time in her life.

He should only get involved in the child’s life if he a) genuinely wants too (ie not just to please you) B) plans to stay involved forever and C) intends to do things in the best way for the child. If he doesn’t want all three of those things he should stay well away.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 01/07/2019 11:44

OP, I can guarantee you this guy is a narcissist. The threats to kill him self are classic emotional abuse and is covered under the new coercive control law. There are laws to protect you from this form of emotional abuse. You are being abused!

He may well be depressed, however that doesnt mean he can't be emotionally abusive too. I contacted my narcs ex and he too had agreed to go to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression after he grabbed her by the throat during an argument.

He doesnt care how it affects you or your children because he has no emapthy for anyone. He only cares about himself, how this 'affects' him. Trying to convince a narcissist to see your point of view is utterly pointless because he knows full well what he is doing, he just doesnt care. Sadly, he will never change either.

OP, please don't fall in to the trap he is laying for you. They always play the sympathy card and he is using threats of suicide to shut you up and make it your responsibility to keep him from doing it. You are never responsible for someone else's actions and please do not ever let him make you feel guilty for asking perfectly valid questions about this as it involves you and your children too.

I fear you will not heed these warnings and may waste several more years with this dickhead before the penny finally drops.

CistusRose · 01/07/2019 12:42

That's a good point lyralalala and I'm sorry that happened to your dc.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/07/2019 14:40

Op your in-laws, what do they know of this woman and/or child?

louise5754 · 01/07/2019 17:15

Maybe he can't see his child due to a restraining order made by the mum. Only a guess.

CistusRose · 01/07/2019 19:01

He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again

Yes. This makes me think he's desperate to keep the op away from his ex in case she found something out.

KTara · 01/07/2019 19:11

Wise words TanMateix the mother in this scenario has done all the work of raising this child (and for me, the accusations of her being mentally unstable do not hold water as your DH, OP, has made no effort to ensure that his DC is safe (presumably because he knows he/she is safe or he is irresponsible).

As for him saying continued discussion will lead to him becoming suicidal (or something along those lines), this is emotional blackmail and highly manipulative.

I do agree with the PP who said you cannot force contact, he had to want it and take steps for it - but you can decide what is or is not acceptable to you in your marriage.

You have a man who says a woman is mentally unstable and will wreck your lives, yet he has been willing to let her do all the work of bringing up his child.

He is also apparently severely depressed and discussing this child will drive him to the brink of suicide (or something) - who did he say was mentally unstable?!? - but he can apparently hold down a job, so must be able to function in other areas of his life.

Most bizarre.

I do think, however, that you cannot force him to see a child he does not want to see. You can however decide if this is the kind of man you want to remain involved with.

SparklyMagpie · 01/07/2019 19:32

"You have a man who says a woman is mentally unstable and will wreck your lives, yet he has been willing to let her do all the work of bringing up his child"

YES YES YES!!!