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Original poster

DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

181 replies

wheresthewinedamnit · 29/06/2019 12:02

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

OP posts:
SkintAsASkintThing · 29/06/2019 13:53

aPeng he's never kept the child a secret.

He's gone on to have children in a stable relationship, you don't know anything about his previous partner or whether she was abusive or not. Not all women are Mary Poppins, full of sunshine and roses you know 🙄

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 13:56

Nobody who really cares about a child will leave them with a dangerous, poisonous person so that only leaves you with two scenarios:

  1. he doesn’t give a hoot about the kid
  2. he is lying abs she is not as bad as he claims

Neither of them make him a good man but they don’t make him necessarily a bad father. He can be a wonderful father to a kid and a dreadful one to another, good paternity is not always extended to all the kids a man can father.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 13:57

Why was he even paying her cm if he wasnt sure the child was his

Grin because he knows the child is his.

PicsInRed · 29/06/2019 13:57

Sounds like he's blackened the ex in his mind, and therefore the child cannot be acknowledged.

The child support letter reminded him what a shit he is and caused a narcissistic injury - not "trauma".

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 13:59

Neither of them make him a good man but they don’t make him necessarily a bad father. He can be a wonderful father to a kid and a dreadful one to another

Wrong. If you’re a bad father to one of your DC, you’re a bad father.

1) he doesn’t give a hoot about the kid

^makes him a bad father.

aPengTing · 29/06/2019 14:00

I never said he kept his child a secret.

He's gone on to have children in a stable relationship

Which shows he has been thinking rationally and so was perfectly able to sort the situation out.

don't know anything about his previous partner or whether she was abusive or not

We know that he didn’t mind leaving get a vulnerable child with the crazy, poisonous woman. We know he hasn’t attempted to safe guard his child at all.

So most likely he’s just the usual shitty dad.

averythinline · 29/06/2019 14:04

does he really have bi-polar > is he getting treatment? not sure MH issues are grounds for being such a crap dad....sorry but his story sounds complete load of rubbish... and thee is a house of cards starting to fall..his doubt about paternity is probably nonsense as well

Were you not concerned about this before you had DC with him? and even more once you had DC - that he would leave a child with a mentally unstable ex.....and his parents, friends etc do they know about this.

Not sure I could possibly be with someone so dismissive of their own child...hey ho at least you knew unlike the other recent thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3624245-Secret-child
maybe have a look at that one for sense of why its pretty unacceptable behaviour..

Why should you live with his duplicity ? I would tell him you are telling everyone .. and your children...

maddiemookins16mum · 29/06/2019 14:10

This will never go well on MN as the majority on here will just think your DP is an arse regardless.

londonrach · 29/06/2019 14:14

Op..talking about exs like your dh has is vvvv common. He had sex with this lady and as a result hes a child. He although has been good financially hes been a very poor dad. Hes had no contact with this poor child. He knows this child is his or else he have dna test. Dont believe everything he says. Theres alot of he sags on this. Fact...theres a child hes paying for who he doesnt see.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 14:18

This will never go well on MN as the majority on here will just think your DP is an arse regardless.

Theres not one explanation where he isnt an arse

Deadringer · 29/06/2019 14:18

Ex's are always crazy. Maybe your dh is a nice man that got caught up in a messy situation, or maybe he has been lying to you for years about his ex and his efforts to see the child, and since the letter is panicking about you finding out. If he won't talk to you about it you can't really help him. His behaviour and attitude all seem very over the top though.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 29/06/2019 14:21

I know someone who was convinced a conceived child wasn’t his. He insisted on a DNA test. No way would he have paid maintenance otherwise.

Do people really pay “when women trap them” without checking first?

unboxaLoeweHammock · 29/06/2019 14:31

If he had any REAL doubts that the child was his, he'd have had a dna test by now, but the fact that he hasn't means he did have unprotected sex with her.

Allhailthesun · 29/06/2019 14:37

He’s feeling guilty. How long has it been? I seriously doubt his bat shit ex would spoil your relationship since she doesn’t appear to have bothered so far.
I never understand why people chose secrets over honesty. It never pans out well in the end. Deal in the truth and everything is much easier to cope with.
CMS have a section where both parties can tick if they are willing to make contact. Try and get him to agree to that at least. It doesn’t mean it will happen but at least it puts it out there.

WhatsInAName19 · 29/06/2019 14:39

I have NEVER heard of a case of a man who is NC with his offspring that didn't boil down to him being a feckless deadbeat (obviously putting aside cases where men are literally incapacitated by illness or similar). I know of several of these deadbeats who are friends of friends, or colleagues, or siblings of friends etc. All of them have either got a "crazy ex" or they were trapped or a combination of the two. All of them tried their hardest to be a dad (according to them), but that hasn't extended to actually doing anything meaningful to make it happen. A couple of them just gave up/didn't actually bother in the first place to establish any contact. These two have gone on to have more children with new partners. Two went to court, both of them giving up almost immediately and claiming they couldn't afford to pursue contact with their babies. Funnily enough, one of them (like your DH) was stable and financially solvent enough to have 3 further children with his new partner 🤔 The other has had no further children but has lots of spare cash to tinker with racing cars and take a long haul 3 week holiday every year, plus various breaks to New York and Dubai that are all plastered over social media. I'm sure he sits on the beach in Thailand crying about how he can't bear to be without his child 🙄

There is no excuse and I am always saddened and shocked that any woman would want to have a relationship with a poor excuse of a man like this. You're a mother now. Is there anything on earth that would keep you from your children? If your DH turned "crazy" would you have just dropped out of their lives when they were newborn so that you didn't have to deal with him? Would you have allowed a crazy person to be their sole carer? Would you not have put every single ounce of effort and every resource you had into getting your child back? Think about what you would do if someone tried to take your baby from you, and then ask yourself if your DH did enough. I would bet all my worldly possessions that the answer is a big fat "no".

As for her trapping him, that's bullshit. If she lied then that's poor behaviour on her part, but every adult in a consenting sexual encounter is responsible for their own reproductive organs. Each partner should be taking responsibility for contraception. He took no responsibility at all and left it completely down to her and she (allegedly) lied about taking responsibility. Both of them failed and both of them created the baby together. If he's going to ejaculate into a woman's vagina, he's risking pregnancy. Every adult surely knows that.

PristineCondition · 29/06/2019 14:40

There is absolutely nothing that has ever stopped him going to court or getting a DNA test

He is not a good dad or a good man.

Your worth more than this man

LittleDoll · 29/06/2019 14:42

If she was that crazy hed have evidence and not just words.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 29/06/2019 14:49

What reason does he have not to discuss it with you? It doesn't sound like he's telling the truth.

Valanice1989 · 29/06/2019 15:24

Seriously, OP, he's almost got a full house on the "nonsense men tell their new partner about their ex" bingo card:

  • She's crazy
  • She's malicious
  • She wants to wreck his new life and relationship with you
  • He never wanted to have a child with her, but she tricked him
  • He suspects or knows she was cheating on him around the time the child was conceived, yet he's never asked for a paternity test (even though he's legally entitled to order one if he wants)

I think the only ones missing are "he wants to be a father to his child, but she won't let him/she's turned them against him" and "she spends most of the maintenance on luxuries for herself".

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 15:31

He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”.

But good enough to shag with no condom? He knew she was poison and mentally unstable but took her word that she was on the pill? Sure.

I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t tend to have relationships with poisonous people. Let alone find them attractive enough to have sex with. Unprotected.

And he cant say he didn’t know what she was like until after the baby was conceived because

he says she lied about being on the pill and planned the whole thing then stopped all contact.

He had no contact with her once she conceived.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 15:32

He’s working very very hard to make you not want to contact her. I’d say there is a very good reason for that.

Valanice1989 · 29/06/2019 15:57

He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised.

I don't understand why he's been traumatised by this.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 15:58

I dont think OP will be back. Not sure she is ready to hear people tell her that he is talking bollocks.

It's a shame, but if you are still reading OP
Mners will be here when you are ready.

Original poster
wheresthewinedamnit · 29/06/2019 16:42

Hey all, I’m back from taking the kids out for the day and just about to tackle the comments x

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 29/06/2019 16:50

Yeah, as a Dad, I call BS on his version of events. He could have fought to see the child. He chose to walk away instead. There isn't a force on this earth would keep me from my kids - sure as hell not some abusive texts. He just couldn't be arsed.

Oh, and I'd never take the word of a bipolar person over the evidence....

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