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Original poster

DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

181 replies

wheresthewinedamnit · 29/06/2019 12:02

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 29/06/2019 13:11

The CMS will get a DNA test undertaken if he doubts paternity from the outset. If the result proves he is not, then he does not have to pay. I think this may have already been done op.

The mentally unstable comments are pretty much part of a script on behalf of some absentee fathers I am afraid.

I think he is afraid of what you may uncover. You are the only one who really knows him and to me it sounds as if you have some doubts here. He wants to keep her away from you and your children together. You seem to be curious about a potential half sibling for your children.

This would make me very uneasy op. It is a matter for you how you proceed but I think he protests too much and whilst I have sympathy for his MH issues, it is not just all about him here. He may be hiding behind this to stop you asking more.

Also CMS do carry out an annual financial check to make sure he is paying as much as he should or even that he needs to pay less. Have you seen the letter? Have they asked him to pay more? Surely going into a depression at just receiving an annual assessment is somewhat extreme.

To go to them in the first place does indicate that he did not willingly pay for his child because using them really is a last resort. I know this because I use them but if I did not, I would receive nothing for my gs who lives with me.

I hope I haven't been harsh here op but I think you want to know more.

GreenTulips · 29/06/2019 13:11

Also, if she planned a pregnancy and tricked him, thereby getting the result she wanted, and he’s been lying maintenance, why is she so angry? She got what she wanted (according) to your husband, yet she’d still want to destroy him?

Ylvamoon · 29/06/2019 13:13

I agree with others, your DH needs to man up! First get a DNA test. If he is the father, he should seek contact. The child does have a right to know who the parents are. It is not down to the ex or him to decide!
Should he not be the father, you can draw a line under the whole thing... a life lesson learned.
Whatever the outcome will be, I bet hitting the problem head on will improve some of his mental health.
As for you, you need to support him 100%, be understanding and on his side.

SkintAsASkintThing · 29/06/2019 13:15

If he's having a mental breakdown over this it sounds like.hes very vulnerable to me. It's a bit lazy to dismiss him as a feckless dad. Obviously whatever happened has affected him and his mental state massively.

He needs to work through his MH issues before even thinking about making contact. It sounds like thats the.end goal, even if he doesn't realise it yet.

Choca · 29/06/2019 13:17

If the DNA test showed that the op's DH was not the biological father, would he be able to get all the maintenance paid refunded?

anothermansmother · 29/06/2019 13:20

Hi! I'm in the other end of this my dd father has never seen her or wanted contact. He pays child support but only after I went through CMS. I've recently found out that his partner is pregnant and that they had needed ivf. He hasn't told net my dd exists. His mother found out and wants to see her but he's said no as it will ruin his relationship. I think he's being cruel. If your dh really wants contact he would have sorted it by now.

Yabbers · 29/06/2019 13:23

If the DNA test showed that the op's DH was not the biological father, would he be able to get all the maintenance paid refunded?

Don’t know about CM, but wasn’t there a high profile case where the husband sued the ex wife?

BonitaBonita · 29/06/2019 13:28

His story makes no sense whatsoever.

Either he was tricked in which case he should have demanded a DNA test and established the facts then got an agreement regarding contact and maintenance or he abandoned her and left her very distressed, paid because he was threatened with CMS and did not request any contact.
Why would he leave his child in the care of a 'batshit crazy' woman? Why did he date and have unprotected sex with a batshit cray woman or did she only become batshit crazy when he behave irresponsibly when she found herself pregnant.
I know to many women on the other side of this and even a woman who's DP of 4 years refused to use condoms, said he wanted to get married and have DC only to claim 'batshit crazy ex tricked me' when she found herself pregnant.
Be very wary of this man.

aPengTing · 29/06/2019 13:31

if he's having a mental breakdown over this it sounds like.hes very vulnerable to me. It's a bit lazy to dismiss him as a feckless dad. Obviously whatever happened has affected him and his mental state massively

He’s fathered children with the OP, he can’t have been that vulnerable if op and her DH thought fit to have children.

He’s probably headed into a depressive episode because he knows the truth is coming out and he’s shit scared.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 13:31

I don't think he would get it back.

The man that sued his ex wife, could so because they were married. It should be assumed in marriage that the child biologically the husbands.

The man in question here has, apparantly, lots of reason to suspect he isnt the father put chose not pursue that and just pay instead.

If he isnt the dad, he holds some responsibility for not ensuring the child is his.

OP I dont know what you can do. I couldnt be with someone who felt their child was in danger living with someone so awful, but didnt do anything.

Or someone who thought the child wasnt theirs but never actually sorted it out for the sake of the child.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 13:32

What was the letter that has set him off so much.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 29/06/2019 13:33

I think if we’re being kind to the DH here, he clearly has mental health issues, and quite possibly isn’t thinking rationally as a result. Perhaps working on sorting himself out, and getting in a better place, then tackling these issues, might be better for all involved.
(Not saying it isn’t possible he’s just a deadbeat, but none of us can really tell from the outside.)

SweetJasmine17 · 29/06/2019 13:35

Agree with others here. Why didn't he ty to get contact. He says she would t let him. Well, why's that then?

I think either cheater, abusive, going in and out of child's life etc

In other words, nothing good, that's why he didn't bother to try and get contact and doesn't want to even talk about it.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 13:35

Dh has a child from a previous relationship

^this is why he pays child support. He has a child. It needs to eat, wear clothes, have electric etc. Even when he’s not looking at it.

Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages.

Of course he does. That’s the shit dad script. Stick around MN. It will help you not to be so naive.

FYI your husband lies and he isn’t a decent person. I suspect you know both these things but for reasons best known to yourself choose to overlook them.

Whisky2014 · 29/06/2019 13:36

he was nothing more than a sperm donor

That's what he says...he still shagged her though didn't he?

Do a DNA test. That's fucking stupid you haven't.
2) she's probably not crazy. She was not so crazy when he fucked her.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 13:37

Perhaps working on sorting himself out, and getting in a better place, then tackling these issues, might be better for all involved.
Surely he has been mentally well in the years he has met, married and fathered multiple children with the OP.

And yest he didnt do anything during those periods, to resolve this?

aPengTing · 29/06/2019 13:39

He can’t have been thinking irrationally all the years since he left his ‘crazy’ ex.

I’m sick of people using MH as an excuse to me an awful person and shit parent.

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 13:45

Considering his own health problems, she may have some very good reasons to want to stay away. You may have met him at the time that his symptoms were under control but that doesn’t mean she had the same luck.

IME, every man who says he is used as a sperm donor, says the ex has mental health problems and has no contact with his children, is a proper piece of shit. The only advice I could give for your husband to feel better is to stop putting pressure on him to meet the kid as what may be stressing him more is not the crazy ex but for you to realise she is a nice normal woman and her child looks like your husband. It wouldn’t fit his narrative.

Back off, I’m sure that would make him feel better.

readitandwept · 29/06/2019 13:45

I couldn't have any respect for a man who wrote off pursuing any relationship with his child because of a few nasty text messages from the "mentally unstable" mother.

Did you read the content of this letter from CMS which has seemingly exacerbated his own mental instability?

GabsAlot · 29/06/2019 13:48

Why was he even paying her cm if he wasnt sure the child was his-and why has he only now just got a letter

Tell him to ask for a dna test

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 13:49

OP, why hasnt he sorted this in period he has been well?

I am asking because if he hasnt been mentally well in the time you have known him, you may find he tells people all sorts about you if you split.

Cohersed into marriage when he was unwell, cohersed in kids when you knew he was unwell etc

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 13:50

PS. He can tell the CSA or the CMS that he doubts he is the father, they will arrange a DNA test no problem. If the mum refuses, it is automatically assumed he is not the dad, similarly, if the dad refuses, it is automatically assumed he is. So...

DianaT1969 · 29/06/2019 13:50

OP, aren't you concerned that a man who can abandon his child to a 'poisonous crazy' person, could abandon yours as easily. He shuts down when you want to talk about it, but it's family money that is paying for a half-sibling and he needs a dna test yesterday. Then he needs to do the right thing and claim PR so the child at least has the opportunity to see or reject his/her father.
Thinking that your father didn't give a shit about you, didn't even try to get to know you, but went on to have a new family, must be hurtful in the extreme.

velocitygirl7 · 29/06/2019 13:52

Aren't they always crazy/mentally unstable etc Odd that your dh is allowing such a person to bring up his child though?
In his shoes I'd be fighting hard for custody if he's telling the truth and in your shoes I'd be highly suspicious of everything he says about it all!

Chuchu2019 · 29/06/2019 13:53

I'm sorry but your husband is an arsehole. How can he raise children with you and not bother with the other child? You do both realise that at some point that child will come looking for him. Be it in ten years time or twenty. There will be a knock on the door and what are you going to say your children. Oh this is your dad's child from a previous relationship, who he didn't give a fuck about? The one we kept secret from you? You don't just have a child and fuck off. Not if your a decent normal person.