DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

[wheresthewinedamnit]

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

I would love for him to meet his son and for him to have regular contact. A number of years have passed but I don’t feel like it’s too late. He could still try to meet him.

Is that in the child’s interests? Your husband has been deeply traumatised by a letter reminding him of the child’s existence. Refuses to discuss him, can never have contact with the child’s mother. I can’t see how he is in any fit shape to be around he child.

He said the only way in which he would see his child is if he had zero contact with the mum.

Fucking hell. That's so sad. Imagine placing conditions on whether or not you're prepared to see your own child. You'd just move mountains to even spend 2 minutes with them, wouldn't you? If you'd genuinely been prevented from seeing them.

I have no idea where we go from here😔

You have some soul searching to do. You now know exactly what kind of person your husband is. He's not a good man. And just because he's good with your kids (whilst it's convenient for him) or he pulls his weight at home or he makes you laugh or helps his friends or gives to charity or whatever else is good about him, he is still not a good man. An apple that's rotten on one side is a rotten apple. The question is, can you turn a blind eye to that and play make believe? Plenty of people do. It's like when people have a cheating spouse but they have a "don't ask don't tell" policy and just pretend it's not happening. That's not a life I would want but it's down to you to make that choice.

In terms of telling your children that they have a sibling, you need to do the right thing even if your husband won't. That's not his secret to keep. He doesn't own the child. The child may be his offspring but they are also a sibling that your kids have a right to know about. Don't let him fuck it up even more.

To be fair the way you have described your DH he doesn't come across as mentally stable either. There's a bigger story here ...

There's always 3 sides to a story ... the truth ... his view and her view.

The thing is op he's not a good father to your children because he's lying to them and it sounds like he always intends to lie to them. You can't force the man to care about or see this child. This is who he is. Don't be surprised that if your relationship goes sour he'll stop caring about the children you have together either. It sounds like his feelings for his children are based on the relationship with their mother.
Personally I couldn't be with a man like that but that's entirely your choice.

I wold say your living with my ex bil-blames my dsis for not seeing his child when shes never stopped him i can imagine the tals he comes out with

It’s absolutely possible for him to have a relationship with his son that in no way involves his ex - people do that every day and with a little effort, that’s fairly easy to arrange.

But you need to be honest with your own children (before they reach their teens probably) about having a half sibling. I have a good friend who found out she had 3 half siblings her dad had abandoned randomly on holiday. Her dad always took her and her mum to a place he’d long holidayed since before he had her. She happened to meet some older teens doing an activity at the resort. They got to talking and realised they’d all come from the same small village originally. They got to talking about family and they realised they were in fact half siblings! She was about 14-15 at the time and the shock sent her into a spiral of mental health issues and drug abuse and hating her parents for lying to her all those years. It really messed her up for a long time. Don’t do that to your kids just because he’s ‘traumatised’.

OP he isnt a good father.

You know, this because theres a high chance he will abandon your kids as well, if you split.

"Well I could not be with someone I did not love or respect and I could not respect someone who was behaving this way." Same.

Quite honestly I'd have dumped him a long time ago because of his attitude to this child.

"But unfortunately he is incredibly likely to also cut your children off and refuse to see them if you leave him." Yep!

I strongly suspect that he was still sleeping with/seeing her when you got together and that's what he's desperately avoiding you finding out. That and he's a shit deadbeat with no interest in the child. If you split from him he'll be a deadbeat with your kids too.

"and talk of contact centres" THAT is a huge red flag too! That is usually only used where there's abuse/risk to the child or mother and as the mother had residency I think it extremely unlikely it was her behaviour under scrutiny!

I think it's very unrealistic expecting him to have contact with the child and likely to be hugely detrimental to the child. You seem to have a fairytale ending in your head which is ridiculous!

Your children do deserve to know and as soon as they're at an age to understand - he's being ridiculous thinking that can or should be avoided. If they were to find out as late teens/adults it would likely be hugely damaging to the trust they have in you both.

I wonder what the childs date if birth is?

It’s absolutely possible for him to have a relationship with his son that in no way involves his ex - people do that every day and with a little effort, that’s fairly easy to arrange.

Down the line once contact is established, maybe. Not in the initial stages. He can’t reasonably expect a child who doesn’t know him to be sent for contact without his mum being present at the start. Any one who would demand this has no business being around children.

Why was the talk of contact through a contact centre? That suggests supervised contact - is this normal when there has been no previous contact? Or did his ex have specific concerns? That point jumped out at me (of many possible questions here).

My other point is fairly basically that your H needs to have a read of the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child. Those are the guiding principles in family law. The courts absolutely favour maintaining contact with a non-resident parent as it is seen to be in the child’s best interests (note focus on the child!), so it is not clear why trying to establish it with his son would be so devastating, unless there is something you do not know.

It is also in your DC’s best interests to meet and know their sibling. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days.

I’m very sorry to hear about your situation and I’m extremely concerned about the welfare of this child - your step child and your children’s half sibling.

Your husband says the mother is poisonous, abusive and mentally unstable and the she can destroy people’s lives. Of course you cannot leave an innocent child in the sole care of this dangerous woman.

You need to see a lawyer right away and perhaps even contact social services. Although if she’s as bad as your husband says, she will no doubt be known to them already.

Are you and your husband able to take full time residence of this child, if that’s what the courts decide? Because I’m sure you will want to do what is in the child’s best interest.

I can’t believe he’s left his precious child in the care of this dangerous woman for so long. How can you say he is a good father when he has done this? And how can you face your own children when they find out their half sibling is having this terrible life, with an unstable and cruel mother and an absent father?

Every post you right is about you wanting contact not him

OP, when you say your DH has bipolar, has he actually been diagnosed with this? What symptoms of bipolar does he have?

The reason I ask is because his story, word for word is the same as my narcissistic ex. The fact that his ex is 'crazy', she used him as a sperm donor, he's not sure if the child is his. The truth was that he was an abusive irresponsible dickhead, who wouldnt take responsibility for his actions and therefore had to blame someone else (projecting) for his terrible decisions.

The fact that you got pregnant and married so quickly is even more concerning as this is typical narcissistic behaviour from your ex. Lovebombing, fast forwarding the relationship, not taking responsibility for his actions (yes he's paying child support but that's probably only to save public face and he knows he can't get out of it and doesnt want you to know he's really a shit).

As other posters have said, if he really was the great father you claim he is and his ex really is crazy, then what kind of 'good' father would leave their child alone in this situation. If he was a responsible adult, he would fight for contact and establish through DNA that he is the father. The reason he hasnt done this is because he knows he's the father, he probably future faked his ex too and planned this child with her but when she realised what a an arsehole he is, she ran for the hills and refused him contact.

He's lying to you OP and I can bet he's a narcissist. If I were you, I'd contact the ex and get to the bottom of what really happened. Your DC have a half sibling who they could have a great relationship with. Narcissists use the crazy ex card to stop you from contacting them, preventing you from ever finding out the truth.

Don't let this guy mess with your head. You know it doesnt add up. Listen to your gut and protect yourself and your children

P.s the refusing to talk to you about the situation is called stonewalling. Classic narc manipulation tactic.

It's all about him (he's so 'traumatised' etc) but doesnt stop to think about this poor child he has created and just abandoned. This shows his self centredness and lack of emapthy. If he really cared, he would be fighting for access in court. If he was telling you the truth, there would be lots of evidence to back up his story.

Dh takes the attitude that this is only affecting him.

Then I think you need to disabuse him of that notion. The knowledge that he’s A deadbeat dad is affecting you and your marriage. It will affect the relationship your DC have with their half sibling and it will certainly affect the self esteem of his child who was swiftly ditched as soon as your DC were born. Your DH is a selfish arsehole who is putting his own feelings and finances ahead of his family and child’s.

Does the rest of your husbands family know about this child? What do they think of the situation?

How old is the child?

Just call the woman and talk to her about what happened. Just cut to the chase.

‘future faked’ - that is exactly how it works Jaffacakes - never heard that phrase before but that is spot on. Love bombing and future faking to draw you in.

How old are all of the children involved?

I didn't tell DD about her half sister, I considered it carefully and decided that it would just create curiosity and upset on her part. I didn't want her trying to make contact with a sibling who might not know she existed, might not know who her bio dad was and who could be hurt in the process.

Sibling made contact aged 16, via the dad's brothers who she had traced and then she talked to DD. DD understood why I had not told her, I would have told her in adulthood.

Siblings mother went crazy at her making contact with her father's family and caused loads of drama, it would have been an impossible situation for her if she had been any younger.

If you know who the mother is I would possibly make contact, but be prepared that she might not want anything to do with you. Unless your DH is prepared to be a reliable part of the child's life then jumping in and having half arsed contact or sibling meetings could be more destructive for the child.

Update - I spoke to him about it again last night. I told him it wasn’t just affecting him, that this affected our whole family and our marriage. I asked him what he planned to do about it. His response- “do you want me to kill myself?” Is what he said. Jesus Christ. I asked him what exactly he means by that? Is he actually threatening to kill himself now when I bring the subject up? He backtracked, almost to the point of denying what he just said. Christ.

I could not be a with a man like this

What an absolute dick he's being

I personally would make contact with the mum and hopefully find out the truth from her. Theres certainly more to this

He is being emotionally abusive and gaslighting you. Nothing will ever be his fault or responsibility. Please review your options.