DH paying child support for a child he’s never met

[wheresthewinedamnit]

Dh has a child from a previous relationship, I’ve always known about this and they split not long before we met. This is a complicated situation and I’m seeking some advice, please be kind. Dh claims that he was used by her to have a child, that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. He claims that she is poison and “mentally unstable”. He also claims that she would destroy our lives if he was to have contact with her again. Early on in our relationship he tried to meet his child but he claims that she stopped all contact and sent him abusive messages. His name is not on the birth certificate. He has continued to pay child support for years although he’s never met his child. Dh suffers from severe depression and possible bi polar disorder. His child has become the elephant in the room in our relationship and he completely shuts down if I try and discuss it and what he is going to do. We have children of our own that have no idea that they have a possible half sibling out there. He recently received a letter from the child support agency, just a standard letter about payments and he’s been traumatised ever since, he isn’t sleeping or eating. He says that the whole situation has left him completely traumatised. I have suggested that he try and meet his child but he refuses to even discuss that. Seeking some advice please.

My father supported a child for 20 years on the basis of a woman saying it was his. As children, we knew nothing about it, my Mum told me when I was 30ish. Both my Mum and I saw it as an honourable thing that my Dad had done. They were very poor but he always paid.
I’m telling you this because there are good men out there!

This remind me of my grandfather who was a saint to his children because he tried his best and kept visiting his children even when his children were not welcome in the house he shared with his new wife and had to be supported by other relatives.

If he had been such a fucking saint, he would have stoped his second wife being an arse and ensured all his children were treated the same.

There is nothing honourable on covering what is his most basic obligations, paying child maintenance is not a favour they can choose to do or not.

I agree. Nobody calls me a saint for having 100% responsibility for my children. My x has robbed me of my share of the freedom. He used his freedom to start again and for a while he sent maintenance (but not any more).

Yea everyone claims they were abused.. Bit old nowadays.. Relationship ended as he or she was a narc. Boring.

So I don't believe that the world is full of crazy exs and one of the red flags for dating is someone who calls all their exs crazy. Simpletons mean they drove them nuts as they really wanted them but they could never find the rhythm as not meant to be basically. So my idea would be usual lies a man tells, I would take it with a pinch of salt. For one he was in a relationship, so I doubt that. One night stand then maybe. Planned accident I say...

This is why women who trap men with a kid is the worst scum of the earth and seriously damage human lives with their selfish stint

I’d love to know how you trap a man with a child. Is it like trapping a mouse with cheese?

Or do you mean all these poor men who are forced at gun point to have sex with a woman and miraculously they ejaculate and a child is conceived ? And when the man reports it to the police they do nothing because the police don’t care about violence against men . And then the poor victim is forced to pay child support.

Yeah that happens all the time.

@Scorpiovenus depends on how you define abuse and narcissism doesn't it.

My x tried to strangle me, called me too fucking stupid to make a ready meal, told me I was a hairy fat midget, he wouldn't let me work, he undermined me every minute of the day, I developed a stutter when I was with him, he was financially, verbally and emotionally abusive for years, he raped me a few times, he took the bed apart with an electric screw driver while I was trying to sleep in a spare bedroom, he attacked me as I left. 12 years later he is still sending me letters to tell me how twisted I am.

So although it might be a bit ''old'' to say ''my x abused me'' sadly it is incredibly common.

I wish he wasn't the father of my children, I really do.

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