"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

Bump?

I know I have loads but I think I've blocked them all out

Dmil when Ds was months old. Called the house got no answer. Called my mobile which was flat.

Started a full scale alert with my dh my parents. Turned up at the house twice banging the door down

When I calmly informed her later we went for a drive to the beach and a walk with the pram
She informed me she needs to know where her grandson was 24/7

My husband was in hospital having had a stroke.
My Mum spent the whole of a visit telling him she knew exactly what he was going through, as she had spent the afternoon in A and E twenty years ago after having a TIA.
I'm still angry about that.

My mother is a vicar and has her own church. When I was pregnant the nuchal scan came back as high risk and I had to pay for further genetic testing, it was about £500. I called my mother up crying (stupidly) and she screamed at me, told me I was stupid to believe the doctors and was even stupider for paying for the testing as I could have sowed the money into her church and she would hsve prayed for me. My DD was my third pregnancy in seven months so I was really not in a good place mentally and she knew all this. She continues to call me a bad mother because my DD wears navy and not pink tights. I wish she would just disappear.

My exuncle when my aunt finally decided to divorce him, when, after years of adultery he actually fathered a child with a new paramour, when she had sacrificed her child bearing years with him as he didn't want kids: "Of course, I am way more attractive as a man than you could ever be as a woman", right, yeah man. He went fat and grose and the very definition of unatractive. She kept all the friends, even his, who helped her out. Had to laugh.

‘I thought I would tell you that I have met someone special.’

‘So when are you returning the bag I lent you’

When I miscarried my first baby I just wanted my mum at the hospital with me. When my now ExH phoned her she complained she'd just got the lawn mower out and would have to put it away again.

A few years later I found out she'd told my sister than she was glad I'd lost the baby as she didn't want the embarrassment of telling people that I was pregnant before getting married. I caught 2 weeks before the wedding and miscarried at 8 or 9 weeks! So hardly a shotgun wedding!

I’m the most modest person I know!

My SIL was the vicar performing our wedding ceremony, and rather than do the sermon on something to do with love, marriage, commitment, relationships... it was all about her and how much she loves her brother. She didn't mention my name once!

I had guests ask if she knew my name!

When I was offered a role as company secretary on a board:

'Why didn't they ask me for my permission for you to work?'

When separating for the second and final time:

'You are boring. Our life is boring. We don't have enough sex. I'm entitled to my fun.'

Thanks XH

'If you wont take me (lying, two timing scumbag ex of my friend) back, who will I get to look after me? (as in chief cook and bottle washer, who worked a 50 hr week and still had to do all the washing cooking cleaning that was rapidly undone by the slob)
'Nobody, probably. About time you cleared up after yourself' was the reply.
SHe's well shot of him.

Dp telling me he has no friends because I demand to much of him. He was referring to 1 chore in the endless litany that is getting DC to bed and house tidy at the end of the day. It takes 5-10 minutes, could be done in the morning instead, but this is apparently the reason he blames me for his boring life. In the same conversation he then told me off for my apparent lack of compassion over his friend whose sick and later same day was telling DC about another friend who climbs mountains for fun. He also eats lunch out 1-3 times a week with friends. But hey it's all my fault he's friendless and bored because of my many demands 🙄.

My ex was 5’10” and had a classic Napoleon complex. Even though 5’10” isn’t all that short really - my ex was a narcissistic bellend and would insist to anyone who’d listen that he was constantly being mistaken for being over six foot tall.

God he was such a prick. I can’t believe I used to have sex with him. I wish mind bleach was a real thing.

My MIL made her late husband's terminal illness all about her in both word and deed. She was far more concerned for her own self than for him.

I’m with @mude. Sadly back in her house due to health and desperate to escape. Funnily enough started to reread toxic parents and how to overcome their harmful legacy by dr Susan forward this morning. Highly recommend to anybody who has a toxic parent. And love to you all.

you should think about how lucky you are you have had a man that loves you. You should actually feel sorry for people like me, whose husbands don’t love us. At least you’ll have good memories. I’m actually the one you should feel sorry for. You’re so lucky compared to me and so on and so on about how lucky I was compared to here and how I should just be glad of having a good husband.

My revolting neighbour, when I informed her that my dear husband had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Lucky me, ehh? She has shown herself to be a soulless bastard ever since.

When I lost my baby at 12 weeks my mum said
“I know you tend to clam up and talk about things but you probably shouldn’t in this case, but don’t talk to me about it because I find it upsetting”

*compared to ‘her’

My mother, after my father had been confirmed as having prostate cancer and with totally straight face at dinner in front of him “I honestly think this has all been more emotionally and practically difficult for me than for your father”

After being in a psychiatric hospital for 15months and sectioned for 6months...

"You're cured now"

I moved out shortly after that!

DM begged to come and see DS. We came home from hospital on day 2 and instead of asking to meet him she said "when can i give him the stuff ive bought him". I told her we were getting used to everything first. Then on day 3 i had a call from DSister saying DM was upset she hadnt met DS so i phoned and asked if she wanted to come and meet him the following evening (when DF was back from working away and could come too) and she said "we cant, our friends have invited us round for a curry to celebrate becoming grandparents"... refusal to meet her own grandson because her mate offered her a curry to celebrate even though she hadnt met him. I dont think ill ever get over that.

Instead of coming to hospital to meet new grandchild or saying congratulations... collapsing and sobbing about being 'cut out of the birth of her grandchild'

I have so so many gems but this one was a complete WTF moment.

My ex was regaling me with his tales of how he selflessly helped his ex partner out in so many ways. He then went on to compare himself to Jesus (you know, only ever doing good and persecuted for it).

Sadly I stayed with him for 6 months more after this comment and he screwed me over completely but it still makes me lol!!