"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

@NorthernSpirit I could have wrote that! I went completely NC a decade ago and never been happier

Of course I love your mother more than I love you, I got to choose her and I didn't even want you!

ExP. Used to work together also he stole nearly £10k from my business, cheated on me, stole my dog, wrote defamatory letters, stealth fucked with my house, my social media and my property and when I finally called the police on him, in between threatening me by telling me that things would get messy, he said 'Doctor, please, you need to end police action now. I could lose everything. My new job and home. You need to think about what you're doing'

I didn't.
He was successfully convicted of harassment because no matter how much he tried to intimidate me, I refused to take any more of his abusive gaslighting bullshit.

Ah and I forgot this gem,

Hope you die before me!
I'm half your age though dad.
Yep, hope I outlive you.

So hilarious

@Smiggleiscrap, your mum sounds very entertaining, I could have hours of fun baiting someone like that 🤣😂

left around 4 messages for her the last time we played this game and she never rung me back (that would be my ‘punishment’)
@Northern, I do love it when the punishment is giving you the silent treatment, because really that's exactly what you want when you're low contact with someone 🤣😂
All you need to do is periodically annoy them so much that they go off in a huff and you can have a peaceful life

Exfiancee "its your fault i slept with her". Because i had gone away for a few days to see my dying gran. (He had a 6 month affair)

Different ex. "Its your fault i lost my job i drink because you're boring and always working" after he had turned up pissed, started a fight with a colleague and stole money.

Gmil and mil - threatening to phone ss on me the day i gave birth. I had nasty long labour and delivery with various complications, resulting in a blood transfusion and surgery. My crime? Not letting mil in to the delivery room (2 person limit and i didnt want her there- she camped out infront of the hospital doors for 3 days chain smoking instead). I also gave birth whilst she had gone home --been sent home by hospital staff for being such a pita-- i did that on purpose., and letting my dad visit before her (he was picking up my dm who had been my birthing partner along with my dp, he litrally stuck his head through the door saw i was covered in blood, turned green and left!)

Mil calling me a selfish cunt and telling .me.i had stolen BOTH of her sons from her, when Dp and I took in his 15yr old brother. She had kicked him out, all belongings on the street, locks changed and everything. He came to us 3 days after sleeping rough (we didnt know anything till he turned up at our door). She didn't ask after him and refused to give us anything towards his keep (she deserved his child benefit not him!) He stayed with us for 6 months.

Mil telling same 15yr old bil that he shouldn't have been born, as she wished she had had an abortion.
And telling Dh it was his fault she had depression because he caught her husband in bed with some one else and told her, thus breaking up her marriage.

Gmil, screaming at dniece to "not be so fucking thick" when she made a joke about the neighbour keeping a baby segulls as a pet. (He was feeding the little fecker after it fell out of the nest)

My MIL told me when I was pregnant with DS1 that mother’s are always closer to their daughter’s children. Consequently she ignored DS1 until SIL had her first child then rubbed it in our faces through the amount of love and affection she lavished on her. DS2 barely knows her and on the rare occasions our DC see her it’s never without their cousins. DS1 actually thought she was his cousin’s grandparent and not his which was very sad.

She doesn’t see it and has merely repeated that mother’s are closer to their daughter’s children than their son’s children. She doesn’t see it’s a self fulfilling prophecy at all. Our DC are close to their other cousins and we tend to see them regularly, they’re also ignored by MIL. It’s really sad because there’s a lot of resentment and I’m worried that my DC will pick up on it properly, DS1 already makes comments and he’ll be so hurt when he sees the situation for what it actually is.

Ex asswipe (over the course of a number of years):

* You should be lucky someone loves you at your age.

What man would EVER want YOU?

Your neck is disgusting.

I know every grey hair in your head. That's meant to be a compliment, why do you always misinterpret EVERYTHING I say?

You did it wrong (putting crockery away in his cupboard, WTAF)

You need to make sure you don't get a fat ass.

Why don't you get injections in your ass.

You need to watch out, your arms are flabby.

I can show you how to get rid of all those blackheads.

Your breasts used to be much bigger and firmer.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck why did I stay for so long? What a sorry excuse of a "man"!!!

One just now, from my (actually diagnosed) NPD daughter:-

"Oh, I was barred from a pub yesterday... but it wasn't my fault! The woman working there wanted to see my ID, before she'd serve us!"

I found this out, when I asked her why she has a multitude of bruises and cuts along the length of one leg and arm (both on the same side). I genuinely wish I'd not asked now... because my daughter is sulking over the fact that I pointed out that the woman working there was fully within her right to ask for ID to be shown if she thought my daughter was under 25 as not only could she lose her own job ("good, she deserves to!") but also the pub could lose its license ("well, it's shit anyway!").

Oh this is a good one from my mother ... within the last week.

Background... I have a DS 50:50 with exH.

ExH has booked a holiday with his girlfriend on his weekend to have DS. It's the weekend of my DD who I have with my husband. ExH and I have been divorced for 5 years. Of course not my weekend to have DS I had booked a weekend away as I didn't expect to have DS.

Anyhow I informed EXH I wasn't able to have DS as it isn't my weekend ... but could do other dates ... he turned around and said tuff I am going on holiday. My care or consideration for DS.

So I pinged my mum and asked if DS could stay at hers for the weekend and explained I had booked to go away on a long weekend and ExH had booked a holiday without checking if I could have DS. Mother comes back with of course I can have DS you go on enough holidays.

It's like seriously... this is a time to have a dig at me when EXH has booked a holiday without checking I could have DS on his weekend ... no need for that!

Also, my daughter is under 25. The woman was fully within her right to ask for ID... my daughter's 23 (and looks younger when she's not wearing make-up, which as it was baking hot yesterday, she wasn't).

The cuts/bruises, however, are apparently nothing to do with her having been barred from whichever pub. So I'm actually at a loss as to why she launched into that story when I asked her how she'd got them. She's generally been in a foul mood, however, because no one's paying her any attention in the family (I'm on the verge of NC and my parents have - finally! - seen through her). I love her to absolute bits, but I barely survived my (not-diagnosed) parents.

Another, but this one; my mother's mother. She, a widow, was invited to spend Christmas with my family when my son was 3. He loved Santa, and the magic, and was, y'know, 3 years old. Not only did my grandmother sniff (literally, in disdain) at her gifts from us - which I'd had to go without in order to afford - but at the dinner table, because I was chatting to my (literally bouncing in his chair because he was so excited by the whole day) son, she announced that Santa doesn't exist. Whilst loooking at me in a "what are YOU going to do about it?!" kind of a way.

I gathered my children and I left.

And I haven't spoken to the old bat since.

I really do understand why my mother is as she is... and where my daughter gets it from. But that doesn't make their behaviour/attitude towards everyone bar themselves any less hurtful.

My mum went crazy if I squeezed my spots as a teenager, because she said it was her job. I still feel ashamed when I get a spot, because I expect to be told how disgusting I am.

I realise now that when she looked at me she was seeing the things she hated in herself.

When a really close friend XXX of mine died and I spoke to my so called dm, she said 'I've been thinking and I've never had a XXX in my life.' My db who knew him too never even asked me how I was or ever mentioned my friend again. My whole family is borderline/narc. Like others on here I also have a million sad tales.

(When I told we were finished) "But I taught you to ride a bike".

Which to be fair, he did. He also left my Dad's wake early to watch football, cheating on me...

My MIL-to-be , when we told her we were getting engaged said "what do you want me to say? It makes me feel old....what am I to do?" (Despite liking me well enough)

Then coming up to the wedding, she had a very minor, temporary romance go wrong. She screamed down the phone to my father about killing herself and she couldn't bear to be alone, and please could he come be with her. so my father flew to France to be with her (my mother, her son and I were all in other continents at the time.). When he arrived at her place, she was feeling better and declared this was an awkward time for him to land on her "for a holiday"!!. She then screamed at me that, I quote "I am like Jesus Christ- why am I always the innocent one to suffer?"

She then insisted on Ex boyfriend coming to wedding and declared before hand "I will stand up in the middle of the ceremony and denounce him". (She resisted- instead swanned around in two different new designer outfits she had shopped for the week before (despite declaring she was too upset to get us so much as a card)....

After 21 years together, when her son left me for a 23 year old girl, she wrote to me: "please let's meet- You will never understand how much distress this divorce is causing me- I have to talk about it".,... and when I told her I thought her son had betrayed me and our daughter, she said "no- he hasn't betrayed you, but he has betrayed ME!" (Her capitals). This was because her son, to his credit, was refusing to hide family assets from me in the divorce proceeding.....

Best thing about my divorce, is I no longer have significant contact with this woman....

@BraveGoldie - “He has betrayed ME” is amazing 😂

My dad, when I'd just come offstage from a major role in the school play:

"Your speech defect was very noticeable."

I subsequently got myself a referral to speech therapy and learned all the techniques to correct my defect. I just needed to find someone safe and understanding to talk with while I learned to enunciate properly. I tried it with my dad, since he was so invested, and since I really only had my parents at that time. He mocked me for it. Still don't talk properly (but I've learned not to mind so long as people understand me).

(I don't know if my dad is a proper narcissist, but he can certainly be hypercritical and totally lacking in empathy.)

O-level results at age 16 shows age. Opened the envelope. Read the contents. I had good results. Very pleased. Showed dad, who was watching me open the envelope, he harrumps and says "You didn't get all 'A's." He said nothing further. I left the room. Deflated.

He himself left school with no qualifications (but got many later).

I was out of the country for my A-level results. I didn't bother phoning to tell him or my mum and they didn't ask.

@Towel That's bizarre. I had much the same. Got all As and one B at GCSEs. DF's one comment? "What happened to your X subject?" At A levels (straight As), spent a very long time telling me that I did well because I didn't do "proper" subjects (sciences).

Then degree (first class, top of year cohort award for RG uni) spent all day of graduation telling me that it wasn't a 'real' degree (Arts/Hums subject). Then went into major sulk that there was no sherry reception for parents of graduates and that graduation photos were too expensive so "they needn't think they are tricking me like that". I was so, so hurt.

Decided not to invite him to PhD graduation...Far nicer to go with people who love you and know how to say "Congratulations - you worked so hard!"

snowdrop I invited neither parent to my graduation. I did invite the man I later married. Good choices all round I feel on that one. No regrets.

I reckon I've blocked my parent's most retrospectively comedic moments because they were all either so hurtful at the time or seemed normal at the time. It takes great distance to see the funny bonkers side.

For my graduation my father at first refused to come and wouldn’t give my mum the car keys to take me as “.he wasn’t staying at home on his own”. Then he agreed to come but fell asleep in the car on the way there and woke up as we arrived (2 hour drive and rushing because he had made us late) and demanded we stop and get him a Mars Bar ( he was diabetic). Because we didn’t have time to get the Mars Bar he sulked the whole time, refused to speak to anyone or be in any photos and wouldn’t shut up about his fucking Mars Bar
As soon as the ceremony was over he insisted on leaving and driving the 2 hours home because he was hungry and there was nowhere to eat where we were (York). We were surrounded by families celebrating their child’s achievement and he was behaving like a giant toddler
Happiest day of my life when I went NC with the git!

Should just say, there was other food but he wanted a Mars Bar specifically so was having a tantrum and as his diabetes was uncontrolled and untreated because “ doctors know nothing “ eating a Mars Bar would have made him very ill

and he was behaving like a giant toddler

Spot on, HoppingGreen. The most succinct description of a narcissist I've seen in a long while and so easy to spot when you know what you are looking for. When it's all "me, me, me" and there's no reasoning with them.