"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

When I told my money I was pregnant: "I had a dog like you once, had puppies much too old"
An ex: "I'm going to amnesty international about this" over a parking fine. He believed that we should bring back segregation, but that parking fines were a violation of his human rights. (we were not together for long!)

My dad died and when she saw me crying said ‘stop crying, you have no reason to be upset he was my husband’.

Whack I wish there was mind bleach too 😂

Not hilarious but another example from my dad.

My son knocked on the door at my parents house. My dad answered and said 'hello 2nd favourite grandchild'. Its well known my nephew is 1st favourite (out of 6 grandchildren). My 2 younger children were stood there at the time

And he wonders why I fucking hate him 🙄

• mother, not money!!

DM was annoyed at all the attention and visitors her terminally ill husband was receiving and complained that it's "all about him all the time". I remarked that when you are dying, days/weeks to go it probably should be all about him right now

Another one (had enough narc relationships to last a lifetime)

I'd just discovered hundreds of lewd messages he'd been sending to women on facebook.

His reponse: 'it was my ex, she hacked my Facebook and sent all of these messages to ruin the court case with my kids.

😂 If you're gonna make a bullshit story at least come up with a good one.

Same neighbour kicked of a storm, because we didn’t ‘take HER needs into consideration’, when we built a wet room for my terminally ill husband.

I'm following this thread some of these are bonkers!... I really didn't think people like this existed

Those poor men being so ill and being married to those selfish women. I can’t understand that attitude.

My mother loudly gossiping about me to her friends like I wasn't there while I was in the next room

Ex telling anyone who would listen how I was a leech and paid all my bills. The lodger hadn't worked a day in years.

@16041per my mum was the same when my FIL was on his deathbed. ‘I’m ill too, and you’re my daughter!!’

When I first met my narc ex, we were having small talk over coffee and I asked him what he thought his flaws were...he sat and looked deep in thought and in all seriousness said that he didn't think he had any...he really couldn't think of one tiny thing...

Why did I not see this huge red flag and run a mile then?? 🤦‍♀️

The absolute clincher came from my alcholic drama queen of a brother who stated quite categorically....

'I need to be more selfish'

I had to put the phone down on him so I could fall about laughing. I have no idea how he could possibly achieve that.

When my DM died, my MIL rang me that night to say sorry to hear that, then proceeded to tell me that she had had a really bad day as well as she had fallen over in the garden. No broken bones, just a bit bruised. Oh dear, how awful, I said, thinking how my DM would have enjoyed the story.

MIL
When I fell pregnant, she said she would stock up on formula. I said not to worry, I planned to BF. She was horrified that no one else (her) would get to feed the baby & I was hogging the "good bits."
10 days after I lost the baby, she asked me what I thought I did wrong.

Horrible woman.

My "dear" M - when my father was dying from a terminal illness (he was diagnosed to death in 3 months and died weighing about 7-8stone?) she went into hospital to have a relatively minor operation - this was booked after my dad was diagnosed because it was suddenly urgent (more like she was not getting any attention). Whilst she was sitting in a private hospital receiving top notch care for her minor op, we had spent a few hours with macmillan nurses to discuss his palliative care. I phoned my mum to discuss what we needed to do and supplies required and her response was that she didn't want to discuss it and she needed to "think about herself".

“Had a migrane and went to bed for 2 days because she didnt like her christmas card”

😂

A friend's husband. DH and I met up with them a while after my friend had undergone a mastectomy. We were obviously showing sympathy and concern for friend, when her husband piped up "Yes, we've agreed that it's an equal loss for both of us." What a prick.

Ooft, got some doozies for this.

So narcissist girl mate I had for maybe 4 years or so in my student days and we were at my cousins Halloween party and she strolls into the kitchen and announces to the room 'Of course, I'm used to dressing up because I used to do acting' (cue me thinking: 'oh ffs here we go again). She'd taken a summer course on it like 5 years ago xD (she was awful for that, exaggerating her achievements. Actually met her on a mutual friends bday shortly after i'd cut off the friendship and I was talking to this random guy and thought - I bet she comes over and tries to 'steal' him away by bragging- sure enough, she comes over and starts telling him how she speaks Spanish. ...I remind her that she and I took the same course, 'beginner Spanish you know, at the college as part of our uni. But that doesn't actually mean we speak Spanish (LOL)' and just walked off and left her too it xD)

Walk home from the same party and I finally decided to say something to her about everything having to be about her and how she could maybe talk about other things too and she goes 'Oh...what else is there to talk about?' with a poker face. I've started writing a book about my experiences with these sorts of people over the years and that is going to be the title if I ever publish it xD

My mum couldn't bring herself to congratulate me on my 3rd pregnancy, instead repeating over and over in upset tones "It's just such a shock!" (For the record, I'd had 2 previous healthy children and was living happily, financially stable, in my 30s with my partner of 15 years).

She phoned quite a few people to tell them what an absolute shock this news was.

She once told me the absolute worst thing she could think of, that kept her awake at nights, was that one day she would be dead but LIFE WOULD STILL GO ON WITHOUT HER.

She's really quite something.

My gran was the queen of narcissistic, when my grandad died it was a couple of weeks to Christmas she said but what about my Christmas party's yeah cause when your husband dies the Christmas party is your priority. At the the funeral she did a Oscar worthy grieving widow it was embarrassing. My dad unfortunately is the same and could fill this thread but I've moved on and been nc for over a year .

"I can literally make a woman orgasm by just looking at her".

And yes, he knows what literally means!

My mother, when I broke down because my DH, who had lost four stone and all of his hair, had just been told by the consultant that the chemo was no longer working.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Lots of people have cancer. They get over it. It's no big deal. I have arthritis but you don't hear me complain".

He's fine now, by the way. I have no idea how she is.

my sister (whom I actually love and get on with most of the time but she's definately borderline something)

when referring to her husband's busy job and him getting an occasional call through the night "you don't understand how busy and stressful my life is"

• her a sahm with 1 very bidable dc

-me pregnant, moving house, stressful full time job and a toddler nope couldn't possibly!

I had another one but it's gone will be back if I remember

I was upset on the phone to DM because I had just lost my eye sight, all of it. DM, in an exasperated voice, ‘I do know How you feel, you’re not the only one. A couple of years ago the optician told me I need to wear my glasses all the time, even when I’m driving.’