"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

Don't know if my DM is a narc or just a bitch.

She told me I had ruined her life because I reported my DB to the police for abusing me when I was a child.

When I reminded her that I was the one who was abused and DB was someone who sexually abused children (inc me), she said 'Well he's always been here for me and you haven't'

She also told me it was my fault she had her legs amputated. No DM that's because of your unhealthy life style and ignoring the Doctors when they told you to give up smoking.

She told me to 'Fuck off and die' in front of my DS when we went to visit her at hospital.

Been NC with her for over a year now and Iife is a lot less stressful.

I've read manner threads like this and never been able to join in. Now I think I can. My mother told me everything she had ever done was for me.

She left me on a doorstep at a few weeks old.
stopped me being adopted.
Ruined every placement I was happy in.
Stayed away when I was being abused and neglected
Sided with her boyfriend and money against looking after me.
Sided with her perverted boyfriend over me.
Threatened to take my kids off me.

I genuinely get stressed at not being able to work out what she did for me.

💐SunshineCake.

A few years also, DH and I were shopping in town with my parents when my mother spotted a larger-than-lifesized photo of David Gandy in a display window, screeched to a halt and blurted out, "Well, I wish the father of my children had looked like that!!!" before going on to make loud appreciative remarks about his six-pack.

She was 81 at the time.

Dad looked as though he'd been smacked in the face with a wet fish. I didn't know where to put myself. Other shoppers looked startled until DH, struggling to contain his amusement, mimed "Alzheimer's" at them, and so of course their expressions changed to ones of sympathy.

I apologise here and now to anyone struggling to look after a family member who really does have Alzheimer's. My mother doesn't. She's always said embarrassing stuff like that in public. She commands centre stage, the leading lady, so other people and their feelings simply don't mean anything to her. They are just walk-on actors or a moving part of the scenery in the Amazing Story of Her Life.

A few from an ex boyfriend....
"If you only listened to me and do as I say then I wouldn't be so stressed and angry all the time!"

"I want you to have my child so that when I die you can tell him/her how fantastic of a man I was!" - my ex lied about having mouth cancer to stop me from leaving.

"The police will never arrest me because I am too powerful for them" - he has been arrested now on numerous occasions, known by 4 police forces in the UK, the police even informed me he was a dangerous man after we split - unfortunately his crimes have never put him in jail....yet

There is many more that I will probably add later, my ex came up with some crackers sometimes. He was not only a classical narcissist but pathological liar and deluded enough to believe the shite he spouted.

My abusive ex, 'I could murder you and nobody would miss you', I'd met him when I was 18 and in a hostel estranged from my family.

Told my ex bf that my dd (6 months old at the time) had a rare genetic disorder and needed heart surgery....her response 'i know exactly how you feel, when they told me my son needed glasses, i always think was its my fault because of that glass of wine i had whilst pregnant'. Like wtaf. Bitch got ghosted.

I too have so many things I could write. But I was thinking, it has really done me the power of good reading through this whole thread. I know that it happens all the damn time. Decent, kind people are suffering at the hands of others who have NPD or something similar. It reminds me that we just never know what is going on behind closed doors. To try not to judge and to know that most of us, hopefully come out of the other side.

It is also true that we need to remove those people from our lives, especially parents, as they seem to be the worst culprits often. My mum is, but luckily I had an incredibly violent and clever narc as an ex-husband so she seemed to pale into insignificance in comparison.

@EvilHerbivore thank you for this thread. Happy 5th anniversary to you ♥

About 20 years ago there was a family funeral for my dead great-aunt. It had been a really emotional day and a big family reunion, meeting lots of extended relatives who we hadn't seen in years.

(Really, my mother wasn't close to her aunt or bothered about extended family, but is a grief parasite, and spent the funeral sobbing loud enough to attract stares, sighing "I'll be next.")

As we were leaving the extended relatives' house after a long day of emotion and reunion and kindness and hospitality on their part, she sighed in dismay and said "[Cousin] and [cousin's daughter] have very wide hips."

My dad planning a visit: Sends 3 emails to each of which I reply. He doesnt get them. Called me on friday during working hours. Repeatedly. I call back at lunch. Poor reception. Leave him a WhatsApp message saying reception is poor. He calls during dinner. I leave it to call him later. He calls my sisters creating drama about how worried he is. Cue sisters messaging me. Hes not been in contact for 5 months.
What it's really about is his tinpot dictator regime. He calls, you're supposed to pick up before it rings. Dancing in attendance. We were always on tenterhooks growing up. Expected to be rowed up to wave goodbye and to welcome him home. Paraded like show ponies. Everyone else is dependent on him. Still dancing to the same tune. I'm the crazy difficult bitch. But I remind myself that I can just treat him like anyone else - I actually dont, anyone else behaving the way he does I would not deal with at all. I do a minimum of civil contact. But I dont fawn, I don't jump to attention at his every whim, and I dont react to the drama he creates when I dont. It drives him mental. He makes me feel tired. I feel sorry for him and whatever hole he's filling with this boundless need to attention and obeisance. I feel sorry for everyone around him. Jitterying away anxiously in case they lose the kings favour. I'm poorer than I would be but at least I'm free.

Reading the thread. God give us all strength.

My mum when she was asking me what I was going to call my son. Names changed:
Me: Stephen James Michael
Mum: James after who?
Me: after his own dad, not your brother!
Mum: I'll think about it
Me: you do that

My house mate was moving out and stole my washing basket that I'd kindly let her use for the two years she was here. She tried to convince me that we'd never had a washing basket when I confronted her. Apparently we'd been carrying our washing down 2 floors in all that time. Told everyone I had imagined it and was going mad. She then told me she'd bought me one out of the goodness of her heart and presented me with my original washing basket!

She also had a fish tank in her room. When she moved out, she left it there. The tank was green with algae and I doubt the fish had been fed for a while. Again, when confronted, she said she'd never owned fish. I rehomed them.

Also spreading lots of lies about me wanting to kill her cat. I happen to be cat obsessed and would never harm an animal.

My mother locked me in the bathroom with her to whisper that my dad (downstairs) would be dead soon (cancer) but not to worry because we were going to live with that secret man that sometimes gave us lifts. I was twelve.

Reading these makes me so grateful for my family. When my DF was terminally ill, my poor mum was run down and ill looking after him. It WAS incredibly hard for her (she was 72, not in good health). She never ever complained. My DS and I helped but personal care etc she did alll by herself. All without pity or looking for glory. I find if incredible that there are si many 'what about me' parents.

Friends, however, so many selfish self obsessed narcs around. I am quick to distance myself though to the point that i donf want or need to make new friends. A friend huffed all night in the pub and eventually moped that I dint notice she'd had her hair cut. It was a trim! Not a totally obvious restyle. I seriously donf have the patience for that crap.

I had depression aged 16 and tried to od
Dm-oh for fuck sake what will the neighbours think?
Postnatal depression with no3
Dm-oh I had that when I had you-you made me so ill I was much worse then went behind my back to our gp and stopped me from getting treatment
My sil had a late miscarriage
Dm-well I have had 3!i suffered worse than you!
A family friend turned out to be a child abuser-and abused my child
Dm-(in court) well I wouldn’t believe her if she wasn’t my gc she does make up tales to get her own way
Her mother (me) set him up to abuse her
She dined out on this for months-free lunches just to get the gossip out ‘first hand’ to nosey bitches instead of just letting us heal
My son needed cahms-dm to the doc-oh she’s making it all up-just for attention (they refused to refer him)
When I passed my college course-oh god she had to suck so many cocks to pass-she doesn’t have the brains (!?!)
Give birth to my mixed race son-oh god what will people think to this coffee coloured brat?
My daughter was about 8 hours old-if she is naughty I’ll teach her who’s boss with a good slap
Many many more-thank god I’m nc now

Oh my life, there are some shockers out there. I feel like I must have got off lightly! I remember asking DF why he never wanted to play with me, and he explained to me that it was better I understood that he had never really wanted children. He didn't seem to understand at all when I was upset. I was 7. There are (lots) of others but they would be too identifying. LC now.

Lots unfortunately, but on a light hearted note DM asking me what food I’d like to eat on a visit home and asking DB what he’d like and changing the menu to his preference. He lives nearby whilst I’m a 2 hour drive away. Not accepting any gifts gracefully but throwing a fit if her gifts aren’t received with raptures. Throwing another fit because me and my dad were moving furniture together and having a fun conversation. Apparently she felt left out and was jealous .

Ooh...

Asking about having dance lessons when I was 9 and being told "we're not having you clumping round like a cart horse".

Breaking up with a boyfriend in college and being asked "why did you do that, it's not like anyone else will go out with you".

Excitedly breaking the news about my degree result and being met with a grunt.

Lots more that I've suppressed.

@rainbowknickers those are some real shockers. Poor you. Enjoy nc

Wow, I'm shocked at some of the mothers on here

My paternal GM was one of those 'the neighbours are watching Christians.' I got pregnant at 19 but was engaged, worked full time as did then DP, now DH and we had a house and mortgage.

When she died she left me a tiny amount in her will compared to the other GC. Fair enough, her money her choice. Within 2 years of her death 3 of the other 5 GC had also had illegitimate children. When we went to her funeral the vicar asked us who we were. She had not mentioned the existence of her GGC at all.

My DS was diagnosed with cancer aged 8. It was a horrible time but she barely registered any interest at all and didn't bother to visit him in hospital during the 5 weeks he was an inpatient although she was fairly close and could easily travel.

But at the same time I was doing family tree research and made touch with a distant cousin who was in contact with her. I was amazed to see - he sent me scans of the handwritten letters - the long and heart rending letters that she wrote to him about her stricken, close to death GGC and how it was such a painful experience for her and how heartbroken she was and how absolutely fucking awful she was finding it and how she was praying for him every day. Aye, righto. I put him right.

She was an evil old witch. Cruel to my DF all throughout his life, he died before her, and she tried her hardest to poison my parents' marriage, thankfully without success. She also told the distant cousin - I've seen it in her handwriting - that she saw a fortune teller when she was a teenager who told her she would outlive her eldest child, so she deliberately didn't love him as much so it wouldn't hurt as much when he died.

And it's not very PC but I have danced on her grave. And it felt bloody great. Evil, poisonous old cow.

I'm reading this and feeling so sorry for the posters - especially the mother ones. But its also making me think about my own mother - I've always thought of her occasional bouts of selfishness/cruelty towards me as "one offs" but now I'm wondering if there is a pattern and actually it adds up to something?

Nothing like as bad as some of these, but eg:

A few years ago, I missed my graduation as a mature student because of an agonising back spasm. Couldn't move, ambulance, hospital, gas and air, screaming, the whole nine yards. That evening my mother called me to berate me for wasting her time, as she had been planning to attend and was very cross with me. The friend who was with me (couldn't go to the toilet by myself) just listened in horror and squeezed my arm.

Hung up on me when I told her I had an abnormal smear and needed a biopsy. Just said "yes, yes, that doesn't sound very pleasant, anyway, I have to go", put the phone down and never mentioned it again.

Burst into tears (proper hyperventilating and trembling) "with relief" when I got a job because my job hunting had been "so stressful for her". I was 36 and had been living away from home for 17 years.

She isn't like it all the time, but has never been a huggy, affectionate person, or someone I could confide in. I was basically left to get on with it from about 14. She has a really weird, emeshed relationship with my brother (he is the golden child) and its like she doesn't have anything left over for me.

'love of my life' broke up with me. Out of the blue - told me he loved me, and few hours later that he didn't any more. I was in shock, devastated, could not stop crying. He told me that was nothing, when his ex dumped him a couple of years ago, then he was much more upset..

Late MIL.

5th grandchild, first male GC. MIL introduced to a friend of her DIL “oh yes, he’s the eldest of my 4 GCs”

Oddly things have calmed down since she popped her clogs

MIL when we told her I was pregnant after years of infertility ‘oh no, I didn’t want anymore grandchildren’.

She also complained when her husband was dying that no one had asked how her (imaginary) cold was.

Was very surprised when FIL died that DH didn’t quit his job, leave me and move hundreds of miles to be unemployed living with her because ‘she didn’t like shopping and thought DH would come and do it for me’.

My most favourite was this one. Travelling to MILs, got caught in dreadful traffic (8 hours travelling), got there late evening after they’d had dinner. DH went to go and get us a takeaway and she actually said
‘I don’t know how you can be hungry, I’ve had my dinner and I’m not hungry’.