Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

Sorry that post was really incoherent and I've probably left out a lot of detail but just wanted to get it out there.

I suspect there’s more going on between your mum and brother/sister in law than you’re aware of. I wouldn’t get overly enmeshed in this. Be supportive to your mum as you would with any issue, but don’t try meddle as it sounds like a situation you don’t have much information on (and it’s between them anyway).

I agree there's probably more to it.

My own DB's have huge issues with my mum which came to head recently. And after hearing their side of the story my mum is not innocent.

So it could be that there's things you're unaware of, or that they're just not very nice.

Call me cynical but I think they are after her money and think you will be getting it. Has she a house to sell?

Could he be worried because he thinks he might lose his inheritance (if there is one of course)?

Perhaps the fact that you and your mum kind of told them that you had discussed the on going care of mum without brother and sister in law could have been the catylst for this outburst. He prob feels bad living such a long way from her and that you and your children are now the golden child and golden grandchildren x

Sometimes it's impossible to understand the relationship your sibling has with your mutual parent. It's possible that he has had a totally different experience of being parented by your mother to that which you had.

Do you care how he feels? If so ask yourself honestly are you the golden child? Speak to your brother, ask him if he wants to chat through his thoughts?

I suspect you'll find that there is a whole history that your haven't been privy to.

Woah. Nothing to do with you really I do t think. Try not to get dragged into it. Let’s be honest, do you think k it’s money related? Is your mum selling her home and using the cash to invest in your home or to just live on? I always think 99.9% of this stuff is money related.

Something similar here the other day but it was my brother & sister that let rip at my mum. I wasn’t there.
She says that they ambushed her.

I have no intention of getting involved, that would be a huge mistake, huge.

Keep out of it, let them sort it themselves. That’s my advice.
Don’t get involved.

That sounds horrendous for you OP. If you think they'd explain why would it be worth you trying to speak to them?

Fwiw my brother and I have a relationship broken beyond repair. He's very good at making it seem like I'm the unreasonable one, but if I told the truth he'd be ostracised by everyone we know.

Not saying that's the case with your family, but it's worth finding out the whole picture and then working out where you go from there.

I agree they were probably putting it on for inheritance.

I agree there looks to be more to it than you know ?
First thing I thought was that a lot of it will have come from guilt ? Perhaps never really thought about head on and suddenly they realised they had been crap etc. First response is often defensiveness/anger.
Could that be part of it ?
Your poor mum and poor you and poor dB kids too from the sound of it they were there and whisked away in anger. Hmm good luck op.

If your db and sil had travelled down to visit and discuss your DMS options then find it had already been sorted without any input from them I think I can see why they are seriously upset.

You living close by and the distance away they live does make them feel like outsiders. Now this makes it look like their feelings were correct

I suspect inheritance

they might think that you taking over care will mean you get more than half.

Really rotten of them to have a go at your mum at the point where she needs care. Ironically, unforgiveable!!

Goodness. In most families people are fighting not to have to take on the care of elderly relatives. I agree it sounds like potential ulterior motives.

Definitely trying to remain objective but so hard when I am clearly viewed as the favoured child and how I am supposed to have benefitted financially and emotionally from my relationship with DM (which is absolutely wrong).

DM is certainly no angel and has very similar personality to DB (sticking head in sand) which is the root of the problem. They both feel rejected and wronged but coming at it from different angles.

What is particularly hurtful is that I have been wrongly used as the catalyst of this fallout when I have only ever tried to be the best sister I can. I I am also the one who has the day to day responsibility of looking out for DM.

These are two of most important people in my life and we are only a small family - it breaks my heart.

I’d say it’s money related.

Somehow your dB thinks he’s entitled to something, but living 3 hours away when he won’t put the effort in to visit (I’m sure you can visit him, unlike your poor dm who may struggle to travel) if your dm sees you and the grandkids more of course she’ll know more about your family than his if he lives 3 hours away, though I’m not sure the full story has been told.

I agree it may well be about inheritance. A slightly more charitable interpretation is that they feel guilty that they won't be able to help more. Is that a possibility?

As your DB hasnt offered any care options I can only assume that he expected to benefit somehow from your DMs declining health.How he expected to do that from a distance is anybody guess but there is obviously a lot that is missing from your description and more from DM and Dbs history.
Stay out of it OP. You cant add anything that will help the situation. DM and DB will come to some agreement ,or not, as the case may be.

tbh if your DB hardly visits then I am surprised you and your mum involved him in a discussion about care full stop.

I'm wondering if part of the discussion about care was really a discussion about money?

These are two of most important people in my life and we are only a small family - it breaks my heart. Tell him that abs ask him what he wants to happen. There are many threads about favourite children, grandchildren on Mumsnet, so have a think about wether your mother does give the impression of favouring you. Does she sing your praises, to make them feel guilty?

Your DB was invited down for a discussion, but that wasn't true - the decision had already been made and it was just to tell him. He wasn't involved at all with the discussions and was completely cut out of it, from what you've said so far. That would probably have come as a shock to him. No, he shouldn't have lashed out verbally like that. But it wasn't a discussion. You just told him what you had already decided to do.

TBF, you could have told him the decision over the phone, rather than have them travel all the way to be told the decision had already been made.

It was just awful...SiL saying how DM never sent specific "happy birthday Grandduaghter/Grandson" cards but she did to mine
How DM didn't ever want to spend Xmas with them (just to add they never wanted to come here).
How apparently DM had said she enjoyed spending time with my DC more than theirs.

It was total emotional vomit (only way to describe it). SiL does have mental health issues of her own which I totally accept, but can't help but
Think from this unwarranted and poorly judged outburst that she fanned the flames.

But why didn't he then say, "Oh we were hoping you'd live with us. How about spending a few months at a time at each house?"?