Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

Well are those things true?

Are the accusations true? Did your children get cards, did your mother say she favours yours, did she refuse to visit them for Christmas. If that’s true, then how can you treat them as if they’re unreasonable? I have more sympathy for them, than I have for you and your mother, if that’s the case.

Well he wanted to visit anyway 🤷‍♀️ but how can he help in ongoing care when he lives so far away answer is he cant unless she moves to him or he moves to her

It's always the closest child that bears the greatest burden (well usually from what I've seen)

DM was seriously ill in hospital last month and this was visit was also to visit her (albeit 4 weeks after the event).
That episode focused the urgent need to find a care solution which DB knew full well about 6 months ago but as he hasn't visited since there has been little opportunity to involve him.

That sounds awful op. It could be a combination of him.being worried about your mum, feeling guilty, clash of similar personalities, helplessness at not being able to help etc.

Speak to him or write him a message telling him that he and his family are an integral part of the family. It's the fact that your mum and you are geographically closer that has always meant that you've seen each other more but it doesn't mean that you're emotionally closer. Tell him to think about his own children , how he loves them all the same but in the future, if one were to live closer than the other then obviously he'd spend more time with the one that was closer but it wouldn't mean he loved his other children any less.

Also, it's a big ask for a SIL to be a carer for her MIL so it's more natural that you as her daughter should take care of her if possible. But it doesn't mean that your mum can't go and stay for little breaks.

And I wouldn't want to travel three miles for Christmas

Blackcat is that true? That your DM has never wanted to spend Christmas with them
and doesn't make as much effort with your DNs as she does with your DC?

Because if it is true then their hurt seems understandable?

I was always considered the 'favourite' by the woman who is by birth my sister. It came to a horrendous end, sadly, with her not speaking to me or my mother for years before she died (this year) and her making two visits to my mum's deathbed, where all she did was moan about how awful mum had been to the matron. Nor did she attend the funeral. ( keen on her inheritance though...)
The thing I find sad is that she must actually be so very unhappy to have spent a life resenting me and hating my mum. she's lost a sister, three nephews and nieces and a whole extended family through bitterness. I can't forgive her but I do feel very sorry for her

I would imagine she would be closer to your dc than theirs purely because she presumable saw a lot more of them . This is either something to do with money or your brother feels guilty because he doesn’t do more and is trying to turn that into someone else’s fault .

even if the accusations were true

why would now be the time to bring it up?!

Yep. They travelled up thinking they were needed to help discuss the future, and found that actually no-one cares what they think, it's all been decided.

The fact that your mother only discussed it with you, will make them feel that they're unimportant, frankly.

I think it may be possible that the comment about you being the "favoured child" is spot on and something you may not even fully realise or appreciate. I have witnessed this favouritism in families and it causes massive resentment and drama.

If you have always been the golden child in your mother's eyes, there is nothing your brother could ever do to compete with that kind of bias. It would explain why they don't come for holidays, etc. If the comments about the grandchildren are true, imagine how painful that would be if this mistreatment were aimed at you.

I can't understand people saying stay out of it. You're family. You don't witness such things and shut your mouth as if nothing happened.

Perhaps because in my culture, family would absolutely get involved in serious disputes like this.

I can't imagine my SIL acting that way and my DB ripping into our DM and I stay mute.

I've seen numerous threads where the OP is attacked by one family member and those present don't say anything, leaving the OP feeling really hurt.

I understand the circumstances of all cases are different, but this is not how to solve any issues they had with your DM.

From what I've seen on MN and IRL... I think grandmothers are closer to their DDs children in more cases than not... I don't mean this is always the situation.

You clearly live closer than them and no doubt your DM sees your DC more... that doesn't imply favouritism.

Women are closer to their DMs, they are usually the primary carers and GP see their DDs children more often. They're usually more comfortable having DM look after their DC than their MIL.

That 3 hour journey is an obvious barrier and you've said he doesn't come over much.

The number of MIL threads shows what a difficult relationship it can be a lot of the time.

You don't have to meet face-to-face for a discussion, you could have spoken over the phone OP.

(but yeah, brother not visiting for six months when she's been ill and in hospital isn't very impressive)

They've hardly made much effort though, have they? Seems pretty much like resentment that they won't now inherit as much as they'd like, and the outburst is aimed at guilt tripping the mother about that. I would get on with what you are doing and have been doing anyway. Let them sort out their relationship with their mother.

SiL saying how DM never sent specific "happy birthday Grandduaghter/Grandson" cards but she did to mine confused
How DM didn't ever want to spend Xmas with them like pp have said, if it is true, then l can see their hurt!

If all of that stuff is true then they probably don't want to make an effort, which is understandable.

It will be about the money.

If your DM has been holding you/your DC up as the chosen ones and possibly rejecting any attempts to help or concern as 'Don't need it, don't bother visiting, I'm going to be with blackcat and blackkittens' or if they've tried to involve her with their DC and it's been silence on the phone, followed by 'Have you heard about how wonderful Blackkitten1 is?', it could be a more understandable reaction - maybe they were all ready to offer care themselves, only to find that it's all decided without them and they've been rejected again?

My DNA sharers have a very hierarchical structure where my mother is concerned - DB2, DB2's DD, DSis, DSis's DH, DB2's DS, DSis's DDs, DeadDB1 (now he's dead, was dirt under her shoe whilst he was alive), DB3 and his DD3 (the others don't feature at all), then Me - to the extent that every grandchild got mentioned at a funeral with the exception of my DDs, who apparently don't exist.

Nothing anybody lower down the ranking ever did or tried to do was acknowledged - but at the same time, the top ranks were told of all the slights, outright lies, 'help' that she had given to and lack of help from the lower ones. So they believed they were the only ones that had ever done anything for her, because that's what she wanted them to think - that the others were only after something, even if they were genuinely concerned and trying to help.

It made for some very harsh words directed at me when DB1 was dying.

In short, I wouldn't assume it's all about their having eyes on money. It might be good for you to talk to them without your mother's involvement, as sometimes it takes that for the true scale of somebody's behaviour to come out. Then you believe it or you don't.

Its the house OP, nothing more believe me.

Interesting.
SIL lives much closer to MIL than we do and she has been favoured financially (to the tune of thousands) over the years, as have her DC over ours. Think bigger and better presents, calling my nephews 'ours' prioritising her DC over ours for babysitting etc etc. MIL and SIL would never suspect our underlying resentment and frustration, but it's surprising the little things you remember over the years.
I suspect there's a lot more to this, and although ranting is wrong, was what he said true?
And any inheritance should be split 50/50 regardless of any long term care you provide (and think long and hard about doing this too!). I imagine you've been on the receiving end of much more practical help over the years from your DM than your DB due to circumstance.

Some of it may be true some of it embellished. I can't say as haven't been witness to most of what is being accused.

I see both sides of the coin and feel for both of them but am so hurt that I've been dragged into what essentially is their dispute.
Also that there is no recognition that I have to look after DM and drop everything at short notice when she is frequently ill (flip side to being supposed golden child).

When they started looking miffed about DM coming to live with me, I said they've never offered to have DM live them with/nearer them, to which SiL retorted "well she's never asked!"

DM never sent specific "happy birthday Granddaughter/Grandson" cards
Surely that's something to be grateful for?

Hmmm if your DM hasn't treated her grandchildren equally well shame on her and I have no sympathy.
I was always very less favoured and my children never got a look in with my parents....The hurt never goes away.