Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

Thing is, if your adult child tells you they are hurting because they feel rejected/unfairly treated/unfavoured or whatever, most people would not respond by just walking out. They would try and comfort their child by talking to them, reassuring them, agreeing to try and make some changes to help them feel more part of things. The fact that the DM just walked out seems as though she knew there was nothing she could say, or that she could not be bothered to refute the allegations because she did not care enough. I think there is a lot going on here that maybe you don't see OP.

It was just awful...SiL saying how DM never sent specific "happy birthday Grandduaghter/Grandson" cards but she did to mine. How DM didn't ever want to spend Xmas with them (just to add they never wanted to come here). How apparently DM had said she enjoyed spending time with my DC more than theirs.

If this is all true then you can hardly blame DB/SIL for feeling aggrieved at how poorly your DM has treated them and their DC, surely?

'She died shortly afterwards' was an edit mistake, I promise the hard faced old boot was already dead when the two loveliest of good brothers watched her cardboard box go in the ground for good. I had advocated a stake and mallet, but six feet of waterlogged organic soil was deemed sufficient. They embraced after throwing a handful on together. They are now both moving on thanks to the inheritance that the house gave to both. ( Which I might add was actually paid for by their Father and their Nan)

Drizzle...DB didn't tell DM in a calm way. It was a full on rant, with SiL throwing her opinion in. It utterly poleaxed DM and she took it for 10 minutes before she deciding she'd had enough abuse hurled at her. I defy anyone not to have done the same under the circumstances and at that point DB was definitely not interested in what she had to say.

I normally lurk but I've joined just to respond to this. I am shocked at all the pandering people seem to think the brother is entitled to. He is an adult he chose where he lives, who is partner is and when to have children, I bet he even chose his own job/car/holiday. Why exactly does his mother need his permission about where she lives? If she has capacity, and the OP has said nothing to suggest she doesn't, then she is perfectly entitled to make her own decisions.

Obviously if she wants to move in with the OP the OP has a say in it but the brother who hasn't visited for six months, who took 4 weeks to visit his mother and didn't manage to see her when she was seriously ill in hospital. He's lucky they bothered to tell him at all.

I am a pensioner and it will be a cold day in hell when I ask permission of anyone when I decide to move, other than if I want to move in with someone and then they will need to agree. If I decide to spend my money on cruises (like my neighbour does and don't her kids get upset about it) or moving into a sheltered housing complex or in with a toyboy, then that is what I will do. I have never told me kids how to spend their money, who they should marry, when they should stop contraception to provide me with another grandchild so I expect the same courtesy in return.

OldBitch...I feel so sorry for your family. The pain wittingly or unwittingly inflicted by people who are supposed to love you the most is heartbreaking.

Testimony to your SO and his brother that they stood united

But black cat, has she done that with the cards etc??

@oldbitch
It almost sounds like a stage play, maybe something by Pinter? Which I guess is what she got out of it, a lifetime of drama at the expense of her children.

I'm glad her sons forged a good friendship despite all of this. Some parents really do go in the other extreme direction when it comes to doing things for their children.

Ivana, I don't know! He lives miles away and we (me, DH and DC) don't get invited to celebrations (not axe-grinding, just fact) so never seen any cards, be it "happy birthday dear grandchild" or "happy birthday random person"

And to be fair can't rememember last time my DC got those type of cards. Am certain DB won't give a toss about cards - it will be SiL who has picked up on that, but is probably only one of the many grievances DB has.

Having lived 3 hours away from family I can tell you that it is a hell of an effort to drive that on a Friday night/Saturday morning usually with very young children only to return again on the Sunday night. Sometimes the return journey would take us between 4-5 hours depending on traffic.

It completely fucks up their sleep patterns and napping etc it is beyond stressful but I can't dictate where Dh's job is geographically, he has to move to the work not the other way round.

Dh was absolutely welcomed with open arms into my family whereas my PIL were openly hostile toward me. In fact when Dh's job relocated to 1 hour from both our parents (lived in the same town) we couldn't get our house sale through fast enough. My parents offered to house Dh Mon-Fri to save us spending more money, Dh's only offered it as an afterthought after finding out that he would be living with my parents. This wasn't about wanting him home, this was about saving face.

If you were to ask PIL they believe they did nothing wrong ever toward us, and yes we did have an almighty blow out row about it all in the end when they were acting holier than thou.

You cannot know how your DM treated your DB unless you were in the room for every interaction. I agree not to be in the middle of it but you need to acknowledge his feelings are different to yours.

I do acknowledge he has different feelings but the objective now is DM's care.

@Blackcat my SO and his brother knocked my socks off as an observer. It's a beautiful thing to see siblings reach for each other whilst inside the pain of a parent who fosters division as you say wittingly or unwittingly. They're doing great now, this happened in December 2018. Both now spending a lot more time together and enjoying boosting each other towards each others goals and plans. There is life beyond divisive parents for siblings who BOTH still love each other. Hope you're relationship with your brother works out in a way that brings you both the long term peace and happiness that you said you are working on forging as his Sister. Your Mum is a whole other ball game for you BOTH and I can't comment as I don't know anything about that. Just shared to demonstrate the way siblings can be estranged by proxy of a parent's issues and not saying this is anyone's experience, it is my observation of SO's and his DB's trauma with a 'difficult' parent, which had a happy ending for them.

@Peekyboo, If I hadn't watched it happen I would not have been able to write it. It wasn't lost on me that it had a flavour of the Greek tragedy about it and it ended with a whiff of gallows humour that would not be lost on the Elizabethans and can be retold with a sense of Dickensian moral upliftment regarding inheritance law. Not sure Pinter would approve of that ha ha.

Turned out that I had been invited to weddings, Christenings, big birthday and anniversary parties galore after I left home. Twentyfive years' worth. But because my mother hadn't told them my address and refused to tell me theirs, they got told I wasn't interested in having anything to do with them, whilst I wasn't told at all.

Only reason I knew about my now LateDB1 was because one of them had tracked me down previously and kept the details just in case - didn't expect me to be interested, as the version they had been given was that I didn't care and didn't want to know anything about any of them.

A previous poster brought up that your dm was unfair if she made more of your dcs than their dcs.
It isn’t as simple as that! My children especially dd1 and ds1 were the favoured children. The reason they were closer was because she saw far more of them.

My sil was a total bitch and always tried to cause trouble. If dm and df visited and picked up, or sat down beside, her children, they were taken off them. The dc were brought up to know that her parents were the favoured grandparents! It was her life’s ambition to cause trouble between me and my siblings as dm did make more of me.

However, I was the one who visited and checked she was okay, especially after dd died. We all lived in walking distance, but she sometimes never heard from any of the others for weeks, despite my sil walking past her house nearly every day. She could have lain dead for several weeks if it had been left to them!

My daughter moved in to look after her and so she had someone in the house, when she took ill several months prior to her death. I did her personal care daily. My children visited her at least weekly, but her other gcs sometimes never saw her for months, if at all!

Why wouldn’t she make more of them? You reap what you sow!

It sounds like you had very different childhoods. You were both neglected emotionally but it affected db a lot more than it affected you from your updates. Im not surprised he was always standoffish to a mum acting neglectful, you say yourself as well that she's no angel.

Its Probably 6 or 1, half a dozen of the other for some things. Similar personalities clashing, favouritism and a load of resentment which tipped over.

All you can do is ask him about it.

While you need to agree your mum's care, you cannot put this on the backburner. It needs acknowledging and talking if possible.

Hi OP , sending . It's lovely that you can take care of your mum.
Please ignore you DB

It is a pity that all of these issues have circled when blackcat's mother's care should be paramount. Oldbitch's so's experiences seem an extreme example of what can happen when parents are manipulative. Blackcat's mum may have made some mistakes ...haven't we all...but there is always potential for angst in family dynamics ...especially where some family live close and some further away. The one on the ground can be seen as the golden child because elderly parents who need care naturally praise those who are on hand to give it on a daily basis. Golden child ...or stressed endless carer with daily life and relationships with partners compromised ...depends how you look at it and who is talking.

Sometimes the elderly parent takes for granted the one near at hand, always thinking they could do a bit more than they are actually doing and miss the absent one so much that they put that one on a pedestal convinced that if only they lived nearer they would do more and making a huge fuss of them on their rare visits. Then the absent one becomes the golden child.

Old frail people worry about their care, hospital appointments and what the future holds. Not surprising really if the favour the one they perceive as able to do most for them.

In this instance it seems that the op's mother has full mental capacity. If that is the case she doesn't have to consult or ask permission off anybody about her living arrangements. Her money is hers to enhance her own living experience until she dies and if she wants to live with her daughter that is between her and the op. It would probably have been wiser to have simply informed the brother of what the mother has decided. I hope it can all be resolved without too much upset.

Considering that your DB and SIL don't visit much, how exactly do they know about the birthday cards? Have they been to a few birthday parties of your DC in the past?

Was your SIL examining all the birthday cards and reading inside of them?

If your DM did say she preferred your DC to theirs,
(I can't imagine any grandpparent saying that) why wasn't this addressed at the time?

If they had an issue, raising in front of children was ridiculous and could be traumatic for them. A lot of moaning at your DM, but not protecting their own DC or yours from their explosion.

You're a good person OP. I don't see that you've done anything wrong here and yet still, you're apologising to your DB, who was too busy in 6 months to see your DM.

3 hours away, is not a million miles away. Ppl on this thread are talking about it being a long drive/kids in the car etc.

My DM/DF live 3.5 hours away and when either have been hospitalised... I've gone up there within 48 hours.

Your father walked out on the family...not just your DB and I'm sure it impacted all 3 of you in different ways.

As the child who was completely left out I can see there might be more to your brothers outburst. Could you try speaking to him about it, just you two?
My sibling is the golden child will never accept it or even see it. This has deeply affected me. Completely messes with your self esteem.

Yes Sandy, invited to lots of our DC's parties.

Maybe your mum was/is awful to your brother and his family. I know my own father majorly favoured one of our brothers and treated myself and my other brother like pieces of sh**t. It has continued into adulthood. One brother can do no wrong. It’s pathetically obvious. I now have nothing to do with my father really

DramaRamaLlama I was reading through all the comments and came to yours, I agree completely with your response

There is so much projection and supposition on this thread based on people's own experiences. Perhaps posters could just focus on helping the OP navigate her way through it rather than basing their answers on their relationships.