Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

But as to the matter in hand - I think it's a bit of a cheek, staying away for so long after your mother was seriously ill, rarely visiting anyway, and then having a full-blown hissy fit (what's it even got to do with your sil?!) at being "left out."
If they don't want to be left out, maybe they could have got their arses down to visit a bit more often?

So your mother was seriously Ill in hospital and they waited 4 weeks to see her. Ok a 3 hour drive but your db could have come alone over a weekend. My mum was Ill and my dsis flew 3000 miles to come visit.

Regardless of the history, and even if your DM has clearly favoured you and your DC, yesterday was hardly the time to bring it up, and it certainly didn't have to be done in that way.

He sounds jealous of your relationship with your DM, and now expects it to become even closer when you live together.

Yet of course he doesn't expect to have to do anything to remedy that himself - lives hours away, rarely visits, certainly doesn't want your mum living with him. Of course she favours you, you give a shit about her and her life!

Since you seem to care about family harmony, would he be receptive to talking about all of this? Putting your thoughts in a letter?

That episode focused the urgent need to find a care solution which DB knew full well about 6 months ago but as he hasn't visited since there has been little opportunity to involve him.

Typical hands-off approach from your DB and now acting like a victim.

I know my DM would want to live nearer to me (or Dsis) than any of my brothers.

She feels more comfortable and at ease in our homes than in DBs.

I'm not sure what your DB was expecting as a care plan, when he couldn't be bothered to visit when she was seriously ill in hospital. Unless of course there was a valid reason he couldn't see her.

Everyone is making such good points. Thank
You for your advice.

On one hand I am utterly outraged on DM's behalf. How dare SiL just vent like that at our house, in front of our and their DC! Regardless for the need to address the obvious issues between them, this was neither the time nor the place.
Was almost like she lit the touch paper then stood back and enjoyed the destruction.
On the other hand I know how difficult DM can be and that she has probably brought some of the resentment on herself.

Of course DM is going to be closer to me and my DC, purely by logistics. But she goes out of her way to put money into my niece and nephew's saving's accounts precisely to ensure they are all treated equally. And if DB made more of an effort to visit with his DC, the emotional bond would be stronger (and that's not to say she doesn't love them).

How odd , you would think they would feel grateful you are providing a solution? Is there a financial implication at all ?

DB had no valid reason for not coming down earlier just that he "had a lot going on" (read I don't actually care that much anymore)

you would think they would feel grateful you are providing a solution
Agree with this.

Does this involve DM selling her house? And if so, what will happen to the money?

'Call me cynical but I think they are after her money and think you will be getting it. Has she a house to sell?'
Got it in one l reckon Boysey

Is there any chance this could have been bought on by them feeling guilty that they are not providing the same support that you are? Sometimes the feelings of guilt come out as avoidance and anger, which could be why they don't visit often and now they have visited they are trying to deflect their feelings. Placing the blame on others so they feel that everyone is at fault instead of themselves?

I suspect your SIL has been simmering for years. We simmer too. Quietly.
By virtue of logistics my SIL gets far more help, it has saved her thousands in childcare. She has probably had 90% of PIL help and support over the years. Fine. For the same reason, we expect her to provide 90% support to PIL when needed. Your DB doesn't sound blameless, but it's a lot easier to give a shit when you're 30 mins as opposed to three hours away and can see your DC as the constant afterthought.

Only financial implication is we would build a small "granny annexe" in the garden which DM would fund from her house sale. This would actually be minimal as DH is in the trade. I am insistent DM hangs on to the rest of her capital so there is no question of inequality and she disposes as she sees fit in her will (which as I have seen is 50/50 between me and DB).

We told DB that in the unlikely event the annexe added much to the value of our house we would reimburse him or (as I feel at the moment) just knock it down after her death, just to prove a point.

Its about the inheritance, will your mum sell her house and move in with you, and so effectively disinheriting your brother?

This happened to my dad. My grandmother moved in with my uncle ( he had a massive house and created a small granny flat). My grandmother sold her house (which was worth a lot). On her death there was no inheritance for any of the siblings . My dad was very philosophical about it. My uncle and his family had looked after my grandmother for over 15 years, through poor health, something he and my mum could not have done. She died peacefully at his home and was cared for. My mum and interestingly my brother have a different attitude , they think my uncle stole their inheritance.
I think what you are doing is fantastic and I would ignore your brother. I live abroad and would love if one of my siblings would ask my mum to move in with them, alas no, we are going down the nursing home route.

Yes lots of simmering and small burning resentments which ignite when long periods of time pass without contact.

I have no clue hie they think we have benefitted more than then. DM is frail and in very ooor health. She can barely walk anymore and has been in no position to help with childcare for many years.

SiL's parents live around the corner from them and are far more hands on then DM. It was DB's choice to move so far away when he met SiL (totally get that) but he can't have it both ways and become resentful when he thinks he's being excluded - especially when he makes such little effort.

OP I reckon it's the annexe.

sorry, but I think it is probably that petty. He thinks you will benefit financially.

I think what you have proposed seems very fair - financially have your house valued and then take into account she has paid for the annexe out of her own funds - so in affect IF she decided to split her money eventually your brother is entitled to half the value of the annexe - However what about all the extra hours you put in to helping your mother , appointments etc? And I agree the distance does make a difference that cant be helped - you are bound to be closer to people you see every day , than those you see three times a year . I think they were well out of order to bring all this up now when you are the ones providing the most logical solution.

I agree that it’s very odd they should be so vocal infront of all the dc and your mum, who’s just been seriously ill.

It really was not the time or the place!

SiL's parents live around the corner from them and are far more hands on then DM. It was DB's choice to move so far away when he met SiL (totally get that) but he can't have it both ways and become resentful when he thinks he's being excluded - especially when he makes such little effort.

But maybe the resentment about you being the favoured one has been going on for years and that is why he moved away? Maybe he does not visit much because he feels she does not really appreciate the effort? it is really hard to know the dynamics unless you are living them. It sounds like there is a lot going on between them and this is the final straw.

drizzle sorry, do you mean the annexe is the final straw?

I would find it pretty bizarre that they were upset about some of these things and never brought it up until a financial thing arose.

sadly from what I have seen with elderly parents - and I do know first hand what a strain they are! - there can be so much that is simply financial.

I agree with saraclara

"Yep. They travelled up thinking they were needed to help discuss the future, and found that actually no-one cares what they think, it's all been decided.

The fact that your mother only discussed it with you, will make them feel that they're unimportant, frankly."

All the seemlingly minor inequalities between your DM and her GC have been bubbling under the surface over the years and have come to a head at the worst time. Sibling rivalry particularly where their own DCs are involved can cause so much pain.

wait, the brother hardly visits - does he phone? - and people really think he is upset that he wasn't consulted over care?

You only get dragged in if you engage; and boy, do they both want you to. So you do just one thing; talk to them calmly, for 5 min each, saying you aren't getting involved and they have to resolve it themselves.

It only works if you mean it. And you'll tell a lot about both of them by whether or not they consider your feelings.

We would never mention to PIL that we know they have spent more and done things for my nephews that ours never got. . My nephews have given the game away times! Money can often be the straw that breaks the camels back. And why on earth not? Should we be disadvantaged financially as well as emotionally and practically too?

Hmm, I live four hours from my mum. I go to visit maybe once a year now. I used to go more often.

But she would favour my sister’s, more local kids over mine, to the extent that the one time we went for Christmas, she left the house while my kids were opening their presents to go to my sisters house to watch her kids open theirs.

She comes to mine once a year if that. She has never come for Christmas or any of the kids significant birthdays. And when they have family parties for significant birthdays I’m not invited. And she’s always gadding about the country; she’s not a little old lady.

So no, I hardly visit now. And I’m quite resentful. I recently suggested a visit to her and she was very keen as she’s moving house that weekend, so thought we could help (unsurprisingly golden child sister has booked a weekend away). I just laughed and said, “No thanks; we’ve moved house 5 times and you haven’t helped us once.” I think she was a bit taken aback. But I give no fucks any more. Sometimes family pushes you too far.

Problems like this don't manifest overnight. They just don't. They are a death by a thousand cuts and I'm sure deep down you must have been aware of the dynamics between members of your little family.

What stopped you from updating him on your conversations with your DM about moving in with you when the idea was first mooted? Sounds like you presented a done deal and you're not objective if you're saying no alternatives were offered by your brother. You can't discuss care options from 300 miles away. It needs careful research and discussion between all impacted parties. Can you honestly say that you tried to approach it like that or were you quite happy to keep him out of the loop and then paint him as the bad guy?