Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

I don't see why you should reimburse him for the annexe frankly. As your mum becomes increasingly frail, you will be doing the caring and medical appointments, she'll be joining you for meals and outings and holidays.

You get out what you put in with relationships, and he's putting in bugger all.

I reckon jealousy, guilt and objecting to you benefiting financially.

As pp said, guilt comes out in funny ways. By blaming your mum for favouring you, they justify their actions and salve their consciences.

If I was feeling magnanimous, I'd contact him and tell him how much you value him, and apologise for making the arrangement without discussing it first. Give him the opportunity to present an alternative, and reach his own conclusion that this is the best and most obvious solution.

Perhaps your mum could do similar, or put it in writing.

That episode focused the urgent need to find a care solution which DB knew full well about 6 months ago but as he hasn't visited since there has been little opportunity to involve him

If I learned anything from my MIL (rather than my own dysfunctional family who had similar issues to yours) it was to make a considered effort to keep everyone informed - choose your method - phone, e-mail, snail-mail, and stick to it so that nothing is ever a surprise.

I think it's impossible for a favoured child to understand the impact that hundreds of tiny issues can have on the less favoured child.

Imagine if your mother had refused to spend a single Christmas with you?! You can kid yourself its logistics but how terribly hurtful.

It was DB's choice to move so far away when he met SiL (totally get that) but he can't have it both ways and become resentful when he thinks he's being excluded

This is the kind of crap I have to put up with. I cannot get the mentality of excluding one of your kids because they move away. One of mine lives in London, one in Ireland. I visit as much as I can. It’s up to both parties to make the effort, not punish someone for having the temerity to move away.

it sounds like a display of dominance, of trying to re-frame the situation, redefining the narrative in their favour etc

Melroses "it was to make a considered effort to keep everyone informed"

this cuts both ways though. So I'm wondering, when DM was in hospital etc, did the DB ring regularly for updates and so on?

DB thinks DM will favour you in her will.

Top and bottom of it. Guaranteed.

Some posters here are totally naive. So the brother hardly visits, couldn’t be arsed to come down for weeks when DM was seriously ill & is now kicking off at being excluded?

If anyone on here thinks that someone who is landed with the care of elderly parents is “the golden child”, then they’re seriously deluded.

I’d call their bluff and suggest DM moves in with them.

You've mentioned a couple of times that your mum can be difficult and 'no angel'.

I think you should really think about that deeply, and try and understand what that could mean in real terms for your brother.

Would your kids describe you in that way? If not, why not?

I’m guessing your DB moved closer to Sil’s parents to take advantage of her parents’ better health to get free childcare. Now he can see himself potentially losing out because of that decision he’s kicking up a fuss. My cousin did something very similar with my ill aunt, blaming her for things that just never happened and putting her mil on a pedastal. Then mil had a heart-attack and so couldn’t be her on tap childcare option and as aunt was healthier cousin magically started finding time to spend with her again.

Don’t believe them in the slightest and you and your mum get on with it.

Maybe the brother hardly visits. But sounds to me like the mum visits him even less. It cuts both ways.

The naivety is in thinking that children stop visiting for selfish and fickle reasons. If there are healthy parent child relationships then contact is natural regardless of the distance involved.

For goodness sake. My sister loves 90 seconds walk from my parents. I live 1,000 miles away.

I breathed a massive sigh of relief when she moved so close as I was worrying.

If they chose to reflect that in the will, I wouldn't be surprised or angry. Fairs fair.

Exactly. My cousin lives in America. My auntie sees more of him than my mum sees of me and I live in the same country.

How often did your DM visit your DB when she wasn't frail and ill OP?

We live miles away from my family because DH is in the armed forces, and I see this scenario crop up time and time again, but my parents (before I went NC) hardly ever visited because the road appeared to only go one way. It's the same with phone lines, ours works to their house but not vice versa.

I sat simmering for years watching my siblings and their kids being put on pedestals, given money, taken on holidays and having cars for 18th birthdays while my kids got £20. I refuse to do it anymore. My sister thinks I can't have it both ways because I moved away, but I know damn well if it was reversed she'd be screaming blue murder. I tried and tried to speak to my parents about it but it fell on deaf ears.

DS2 went to uni 2.5 hours away and has stayed there with his lovely girlfriend. No way will any grandchildren, or they, be treated differently to any that may live nearer.

I'm sorry but you'll never understand how your brother is feeling

I don't see why you should reimburse him for the annexe frankly. As your mum becomes increasingly frail, you will be doing the caring and medical appointments, she'll be joining you for meals and outings and holidays.

So this! I can’t imagine how much it will cost you, presuming bills will be joint and it won’t actually be a separate residence?

Your db stayed away for 6 months and didn’t even come down when she was very ill last month. Distance creates emotional distance, I have the same in my family, some cousins are more like siblings, some I wouldn’t recognise in the street.

Is your brother kept up to date?

My Mil and her family always have a go and my husband for not asking after their nan or visiting when she was in hospital and so on, but no one ever bothers to tell him she's there.

He works away a lot and I've said countless times to let me know what's going on and when would she be able to cope with a visit from my daughters and still nothing. Last time I popped in as was going past and thought she may needs something and it turned out she had was in the hospital as she'd had a fall. Only knew as the neighbour saw me knocking as told me.

Now that Sil has had a baby, our girls our second best. She is the favourite child and it puts the other on off bothering as they don't see the point.

Tinkly "But sounds to me like the mum visits him even less"

OP says her mother has been frail for several years.

I would consider getting a carer in for your Mother. Just see how she goes. What age is she? Caring for a very frail or even bedridden woman for another decade could be on the cards.
It's not just the cost of the annexe. There could be cost of daily carers as well if she is incontinent or cannot stand or go to the bathroom alone. She might be like for several years and then end up going into a care home anyway.

Often daughters end up being responsible for the bulk of care with elderly relatives. Your brother could have made more of an effort but has chosen not to. Can you ask him why ? Three hours away is far but not insanely so. We travelled two and a half hours one weekend in four to visit my elderly mother until she moved into a care home close to me.
I think perhaps they imagine your children inheriting more than theirs. Very ungenerous when they haven’t asked your Mum if she would like to move in with them.
I understand it is hard when a parent favours one child, my Mil favours DHs sister over him, and her child over our dcs, and that is hard to take. They live a lot further away than we do but she visits them often, and went there (about a five hour journey) for their child’s second birthday party (eg a child too small to be upset by her absence) but refused to come to our dd’s tenth birthday party. I was very hurt and angry about that. So resentments do build up. You need to have a chat with your DB, just the two of you.

Your SIL doing that in front of all the kids was unacceptable and I don't blame your DM for walking away.

I'd be furious if one of my SILS did that. I'd have no hesitation in reminding her the kids were there and to hold her comments for the moment.
Doesn't she realise how damaging her behaviour was. Even if she believes your DM favours your DC... how helpful was it to say in their presence. Unless their toddlers and don't know what was going on.

The top and bottom of this is money.

A colleague had a similar situation. Her 3 sisters stopped talking to her, because her dad was selling up and using some of the money to extend her house for him to move in. He was in his 80s and in poor health.

She was always running around with hospital appointments. Her teenage DS also helped out and her sisters kept well away.

One lived too far away, the other had small kids.... all excuses not to help...but not happy that the extension would add value to her house.

They went as far as raising a safeguarding report to the local authority ... saying she was for financially abusing their dad.

Money is the root of all evil in mankind

Wow. So have you asked SiL and dB if they are offering to have your mum move in with them? Is that what they want?

Me and dh live a couple of hours away from his mum....dh moved away. His sister still lives near his mum and I would be amazed if she wasn't closer to my SILs kids than my own. Im not saying that nastily, but it would be normal. She sees those grandkids a few times a week and sees her other grandchild a few times a year. Like you say about your brother, it was dh's choice to move away.

My parents were probably closer to my dd than to their other Gc who were hours away.

There's no point getting upset about it....obviously if there's blatant favouritism in front of the kids that's not fair but it doesn't seem like that's the case.

This thread is very triggering for me. Unless you have been sidelined by your family for daring to move away, you have no idea how painful it is.

Please if you have kids who move away, make some effort yourself and don’t expect it to be all one way.

I can't answer all the questions on whom visited whom and when. All I can say is that both believe they have done their best and the other party is to blame. stale mate

I have actually dis inherited myself from my mother......she kept on about changing her will all the time and using it as a hold over people. So last time I saw her with my daughter I told her I didn't want anything and if she left me anything I would give it to charity. My sister was always the golden child so she is welcome to it all....I won't be visiting my mother ever again.....I won't be going to her funeral she has been not a nice person to me and very manipulative. I used to try so hard to please her but to no avail. It's hard being the child who is not favoured but when you stop trying to be in her good books it becomes easier. I moved an hour away due to work and marriage and my sister has always lived around the corner from my mum they are like peas in a pod. I wish my sister well and I hope she has a nice life my mother destroyed our relationship like she destroyed her own relationship with her sister. She has never been happy unless causing family upset to be honest when she does die life will be better for everyone