Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

This thread is very triggering for me. Unless you have been sidelined by your family for daring to move away, you have no idea how painful it is

Tinkly look after yourself. I see this thread clearly split between those that have an idea of what it's like to be the black sheep and then a whole lot of posters who have no clue as to what life can be like.

There is no indication that the bil is in the slightest bit motivated by money, but it's such an easy accusation to throw out and in fact the sils immediate reaction and ability to give (legit) examples of favouritism suggests it's absolutely not

Of course the best solution for DM is to come & live with you OP. Quite apart from the fact that you have the space & inclination to look after her - it would be so much better for her to be able to stay with the same GP, District Nurses, hospital Drs etc etc at this stage. Also to remain close to friends who may also be getting a bit frail to visit too far away.

For me the key piece of information is that DB didn’t find time to visit while DM was in hospital or indeed during the few weeks since. That alone leads me to suspect this is more a case of either money or principle (because the decision was already made) than it is of a genuine desire to care for DM himself.

Just to add, I work with poorly elderly ladies (on a hospital ward) so do become aware of similar family tensions at times. It’s not uncommon at all, but the major disagreements do tend to be regarding whether houses should be sold or not!

I also think that it's down to the money.

They're worried that you'll have most of your DB's inheritance off your mother before she passes on, and that there won't be anything left for them. They think that you taking her in means that they'll miss out. BUT they're not prepared to do anything to actually HELP with her - they just expect full payout at the end.

And the favouritism accusation is fuelling that fear - that your DC will get more than theirs, and that you will get more than him.

Sounds tough. Its interesting about the idea of favouritism. My OH regulalry complains that his parents favour his DB children. Always travelling for hours to baby sit, resistive at coming to ours, xmas spent at their house. He even thinks his parents contribute towards there private school fees. Supposedly the DB had an issue with money as his own FIL has dementia and there was squabbling amongst his wife and her sisters and advised his parents that they need to sort their will out , oh and btw he wants the apartment in the south of spain... this is a little 2 bed place which we have all used but he has decided he wants it. My OH thinks his DP will say yes , as he is favoured.... when it comes to property and money things get nasty. Your DB may think your DC are favoured however it sounds like his own DC spend alot of time with his wifes parents so it really is rubbish...maybe he should help look after his mother rather than whinging about her deciding to live with you...

Odd to punish your child for having a life if moving away is the reason but I doubt it's the only reason. What I'm incredulous about is the saintly sister, evil brother scenario. Life isn't that black and white. But it's the sort of narrative that often plays out in dysfunctional families. People withdraw because they are being sidelined and alienated and it's too damaging as an adult to keep offering yourself (even more so your kids) as fodder for repeated snubs or power plays.

Maybe I'm crazy but about 10 years ago I talked to my olds - then 70 - about moving away (ultimately I didn't).

They were very clear that they were unable to visit for health reasons. I didn't have any issue with that. Also, if they had been hospitalised I would certainly have found time to visit them even from a long way away.

also, if I had gone and my sister had made decisions about their care, based on seeing them far more often, I would have no issue with that.

I actually don't understand the turn this thread has taken. It seems quite logical to me that distance will affect daily contact.

I'm also wondering if the DB/SIL were pissed off at travelling full stop and would rather have just been told this on the phone.

DB moved to be with SiL straight from uni which in itself speaks volumes. She had a huge, crazy, gregarious family on the doorstep.

Our DPs divorced when DB was 13, DF cut contact with us and whilst DM did her best, our emotional needs were overlooked.
Whilst I coped by turning to friends DB seemed to close in on himself.
Am sure perceived rejection at that stage massivley impacted on his relationship with DM (not to mention loss of our father).

He moved away to be part of something bigger

To add DB would never acknowledge that's where the cracks stem from

Thumb "BUT they're not prepared to do anything to actually HELP with her - they just expect full payout at the end."

this has played so many times on the Elderly Parents board, I've lost count.

Before you think about getting your house valued before and after the annexe being built so you can reimburse your brother, how about factoring in the tens of thousands (per year!!) you are "saving" him from his inheritance by avoiding care home fees.
And also, don't underestimate the physical and emotional toll of caring for an elderly and infirm relative at home.

I moved straight in with a guy from uni (not DH) and got a job in London.

Presumably my parents would have preferred me to have ended my relationship and gone on the dole in our back of beyond village. Not sure what they expected to happen when I went to uni.

And I am very much part of DH’s close and loving family now; nursed Fil through his last months etc. It’s not the same as feeling your own family is there for you though.

blackcat2345
I don’t think you are seeing both sides.

You have been dragged into this because you and your dm have already made the decision without your dB and sil being present.

You don’t tell them that the decision has been made but let them think they could help.

There was no point in them offering anything because the decisions had already been made and it was made perfectly clear it wasn’t open for discussion.

I don’t see why otoh you are complaining about having to do everything when there is an opportunity for you to ask for help and your dB to get involved but you then immediately shut him down.

There does seem to be a story at play.

Your dm doesn’t want your dB and his family involved, (never going around when invited, none specific birthday cards for the children and probably 101 other things on top of what has been mentioned) even if it would help you out because then she can’t complain about them.

Whilst it might not be an option that he can just pop round and do anything himself because of the distance he could have said he would pay for a cleaner or some help

I think your dm sounds very manipulative and is doing her best to drive a wedge between you and your dB and you are going along with it because you don’t want to rock the boat.

The thing is if you are the golden child that would explain why they don't visit much or come for holidays. My brother is the golden child and I have distanced myself from my mother as it is the only way I can deal with it. I would let things calm down for a few days and then phone your brother and listen to his side of things fully.

Unfortunately you may find that at some point your brother and SIL may go no contact with your mother which will put more pressure on you so I would be prepared that this may not be fixable

No easy solution but I imagine that nothing you can do will change your DB's feelings. So let you DM move in with you if you both agree that is best for her, and you can cope. Go low contact with DB. And if your DM decides to change her will let her do as she sees fit. It sounds as though DSIL behaved very badly given that your DM is a sick and elderly woman.

I wonder who is the dysfunctional side in any of these families.
There will be Adult Child who stays or moves back when parents are getting old and ill
There will be Adult Child who moved away perhaps years previously who do nothing to help when the parents are old but are there demanding money when the parents die.
I can't decide who is the better/more worthy/more caring adult child.

I definitely think that absent adult child should either pay like Child Maintenance when one adult child is caring for their parents. Likely such a department would be just as unsuccessful as the CSA/CM were/are.
I definitely think anyone who only turns up when there is money to be had is not a decent child.
I wonder if OP's DB and SIL were mentally spending DM's money when she was so ill and now she has recovered they see the money which they came close to having as far away as ever.
This is triggering for me too

If they cared about your DM at all - they would never have subjected her to a scene like that when she's recently come out of hospital and is now forced to make life changing decisions. It really is all about them.
Something similar happened to one of my relatives and unfortunately, I too think they are worried that you are going to benefit more financially than them and they did this to make your DM feel guilty and to see what her reaction was and to get information. Be prepared for them to come back with some argument over her pension.

Your DM's needs, and your needs as her carer come first in this situation. I think you should speak to Age Concern or similar and get some practical and legal advice about this because it is hard enough to be looking after an elderly and frail relative without all this extra stress and aggro.

I moved straight in with a man from university because my mother had made it clear she had no interest in treating me in any way comparably to my siblings.

For many years I was enormously hurt. But yeh fact she now favours my DNs allowed me to break free from the FOG.

My DM would maintain she's done nothing but the best for me despite all evidence to the contrary. Fortunately a) my siblings know exactly what she is and b) I have no need for any inheritance.

Suggest he and SIL have your DM live with them instead. He'll no doubt STFU then.

Had experience of a parent-in-law needing care - often thanked God my OH is an only child; at least the decisions we took were our own...

Where does it say anything about dB demanding money

DB and sil sat down to discuss the way forward for dm and was told that they were superfluous as the decision had already been made.

That is quite some snub

Be really careful at making promises to reimburse him. There are at least two other similar threads on here where it has cost the 'Caregiving' sibling tens of thousands to host their parent for years.

DB moved to be with SiL straight from uni which in itself speaks volumes.

What does it speak because I obviously need to be on the eye out for something with DS2. In the real world he went to uni, fell in love with the city, and his girlfriend, they've both got jobs there and are having a lovely time. The fact her family live there is by the by, I'd prefer to live in that area too. I won't be gnashing my teeth, hoiking my bosom and refusing to get in the car to go visit.

Ironically my own golden child sister is currently dropping hints that she feels she has always done everything for my mum and has had enough now; she’s done her share. Presumably she thinks it is my turn now she no longer needs free childcare and the free holidays are drying up.

And DMum keeps telling me about her best friend who is leaving everything to her own golden child because the black sheep has more money (because he has worked harder). So I guess she is dropping hints too.

And I really can’t be arsed any more.

I do know this 'golden child' theory is true in some cases, but I always thought of my sister as the golden child and felt quite resentful at times.

It was only when we, as adults, became closer I discovered she thought I was the golden child. Our relationship has become so much better since we discussed the situation; and has really helped us form a real bond in coping with DM as a united unit.

Suggest he and SIL have your DM live with them instead. He'll no doubt STFU

Dm refuses to go when she is invited for just Christmas and wants nothing to do with dB.

DB could offer till he was blue in the face and his mother would refuse

It would be a pointless exercise

No one knows if dB was going to suggest having dm live with him because dm and op (the golden child)had already decided

If op had wanted to avert the fall out she should have said that dm moving in with her was just an option and asked dB and sil if they had any thoughts on the subject and if there was an alternative solution.

I think a lot of the comments here are coloured by the poster's own experience.

I really think it's impossible for us to know what's really going on.

It could be that OP has always been (or become recently) the golden child which has left DB feeling sidelined and inferior and this was just the moment it all built up enough to come out into the open.

It could be DB was just lazy about visiting and doesn't like the fact that that's made him less relevant now that care needs are being discussed.

It could be a combination of the two: DB visited less and became less relevant and less close to DM. DB picked up on this and it led him to visit less as he felt unwanted etc etc.

I do think it's very likely though that whatever feelings have just come out have been simmering below the surface for a good while before now.