Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

The anger she shouldn’t have her directed at you but it does seem there is more to this than you realise. My MIL definitely favours her daughters and granddaughters to the point dh and I get fed up of hearing how wonderful, perfect etc they are whilst our boys achievements get ignored. She never asks how are boys are or to take them anywhere but the girls can spend days at hers and that’s fine. Sadly a lot of mothers do seem to favour daughters as wrong as it is.

RosaWaiting "my olds"? Is that a mistype? (please god it is )

Dm refuses to go when she is invited for just Christmas and wants nothing to do with dB.

Actually not true. For as long as I can remember DB and I have taken it in turns to host DM. The only times she hasn't gone is when she's been too unwell to travel so no clue where that came from. Additionally I have offered to host DB at Xmas til I'm blue in the face and he has never accepted. We either see them for the day a week before or a week after. Never any invite for us to spend Xmas at theirs.

definitely think that absent adult child should either pay like Child Maintenance when one adult child is caring for their parents. Nope!

This is all semi familiar to me. I would say that you need to email both your DB and SIL and say you are sorry that they have felt so hurt and there was never any intention to shut them out. Clearly the most practical solution is for DM to live with you (or ina acre home which would be far more costly and still may be required at some point).

Suggest that you draw a line under today and keep in touch regularly to discuss any developments. They probably won’t want to be much involved but as you say he clearly has deep stemmed issues that are very upsetting and his wife lives with that hurt.

You’ve done nothing wrong but more communication is needed and they need to come more often to spend time with her and try to repair some of the damage. In honesty your DM also needs to acknowledge some responsibility and apologise if she has left him out but in reality that’s unlikely.

In the long term it’s far easier if you all get along. Do you have LPA for both finance and health? If not get it ASAP. Perhaps your DB could organise this and jointly share the responsibility?

I think if Op's mum is going to need care then I would have thought that her preference would be that her daughter rather than her DIL provide that care.

That said, it does sound as if the whole thing was presented as a done deal.

Whe your brother first moved away, were efforts made on both sides to keep in touch/visit?

I don't know any men who have taken on the f/t care of their mother or indeed father in old age. I know lots of women who have, and lots of couples where the woman is often doing a huge amount of caring, for PIL as well as their own parents.

It may be that you are closer to your DM and that your brother feels excluded. It also seems exceptionally unlikely he's going to step forward and care for your mum (and she may not want that anyway).

I am not sure you need to be a 'golden child' to visit your mum in hospital and offer care when they leave.

DB moved to be with SiL straight from uni which in itself speaks volumes

What exactly does that even mean,

The Christmas thing came from

DM didn't ever want to spend Xmas with them

I do think that it all stems from

DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options

Why were they under the impression there was going to be a discussion when you and your mum had already sorted it all.

Couldn’t you have just told them over the phone

I think there have been countless little snipes and digs done in dbs direction and probably he actually didn’t want to come down to visit anyway. Probably knew that anything he said would be dismissed.

If he is like a lot on this thread he probably doesn’t want anything from your mother anyway.

Those saying it is about money don’t understand about being the least favourite person in a family dynamics.

Money doesn’t come into it. You couldn’t give a shit about the money. You just want to be treated equally

I don't know any men who have taken on the f/t care of their mother or indeed father in old age

We had Fil live with us for the last few months, carers in 4 times a day.

Whilst I was happy to feed FiL and give him medication and keep him company, it was DH who did the intimate care and cleaned him up and changed his pad when necessary. I’m sure plenty of other men do the same but don’t talk about it. Everyone we know automatically assumed I was the main carer, but DH took most of the load.

I don't know any men who have taken on the f/t care of their mother or indeed father in old age

You obviously don't know many men then. What do you think happens in families that don't have daughters only sons?

I definitely think that absent adult child should either pay like Child Maintenance when one adult child is caring for their parents. Likely such a department would be just as unsuccessful as the CSA/CM were/are
are you suggesting that an adult child who doesn't provide care for an elderly parent is the equivalent of a parent who abandons a minor child, that we should have a legal duty of care towards our parents?

DB moved to be with SiL straight from uni which in itself speaks volumes*

It also speaks volumes about you though if this is your attitude. Was staying local a requisite condition of being allowed to continue to be part of the family?

Makes me wonder - Your parents divorced when your DB was 13. Did your DM project her hostility towards your DF onto your brother because he was the male child and a physical reminder of the man who abandoned you all? He may have borne the brunt of the fallout did you ever consider the impact from his point of view?

Melroses "it was to make a considered effort to keep everyone informed"

this cuts both ways though. So I'm wondering, when DM was in hospital etc, did the DB ring regularly for updates and so on?

@RosaWaiting No, it really doesn't. If you are the one at with all the information, then you keep everyone reliably informed. You can't do anything about what they do, but you can make sure that everyone knows what is going on and keep lines of communication open.

It is very easy for lines of communication to be damaged by living further away and for families to drift apart.

It takes effort, but you will always know you have done the right thing, and it beats having family feuds over lack over who does/knows what hands down.

correction: lack

The adult child in lots of cases when looking after the parent will be receiving the attendance allowance and feathering thier own nest with regards to inheritance monies that is a given.....having seen it first hand.....generally this will be the one living closest and the other siblings who have had to move for jobs whether theirs or husband's or move to a cheaper area to live are treated as though they have somehow abanded the said parent and will be treated according to that thought process....it's a next of vipers

Where does it say anything about dB demanding money

DB and sil sat down to discuss the way forward for dm and was told that they were superfluous as the decision had already been made.

That is quite some snub

This ^^

Nothing wrong with moving Away from home - I did it. Sadly at the same time DB also cut all ties with his existing friends

It will be down to money and perhaps some guilt involved too. Good advice from PP, stay out of it as much as you can. Very sad when families are torn apart over greed basically, who’s getting what. Of course if OP is providing a home and care the annexe build should be covered by her DM.

My MIL clearly favours her grandchildren from my SIL. She'd deny it till she was blue in the face but it's plainly obvious to pretty much everyone. Even my SIL has pointed it out when it comes to the elder child, he is absolutely the favourite of all favourites. She provides full time childcare for them (saving SIL thousands). We on the other hand are lucky if she rings up every 6 weeks or so wanting to see our DD. I used to make an effort, I'd send messages and updates and photos, take DD to visit them, try to organise time together but she was always too busy with them. I don't bother now. Unless you have experienced it there is nothing quite like the sting of a Grandparent not being interested in your child whilst lavishing attention upon a siblings. If it's true that your DB's children have been sidelined in favour of yours, then I can understand his and your SIL's outburst.

Why will it be down to money? It sounds like it goes way back to the OP's parents divorce and the way the children were treated afterwards. It has probably been brewing for years. There are many other reasons than money, being rejected for example.

Ok, there is no way you should reimburse your brother if you gain financially from the annexe. You will be the one caring for her..he won't be. He hasn't offered to care for her, he just wants money.
Do not give him anything more than what he is due!

The immediate problem now is how we move forward.
I need to ensure DB is kept included and equally he therefore takes some responsibility for DM's care.
Any idea on how I can word an email would much appreciated.

Would it better done in a phone call? The written word can be easily misinterpreted.

No, I'd not be making contact right now. Give it a break for a while

An adult child who is caring for a parent is more likely to damage their career and earnings. The absent child is free to work or not as they choose.

Attendance Allowance is paid to the elderly disabled person and not the adult child giving help.
Adult children are presumably all the full child of the elderly parent, why should one adult child have more responsibility than another? Why should that not be rewarded or in some way recompensed?
An elderly person who is disabled and ill is similarly vulnerable to a young child. The child will grow up and will learn independence and earn their own living. The elderly person is not going to have much in the way of improvement and certainly will not be earning their living.
If it is unacceptable to contribute towards the care of an elderly parent, what about the elderly parent spending a month with each adult child and family.