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Original poster

AIBU to feel icky about my ex showering with our DD

237 replies

beingniceiscool11 · 18/06/2019 00:38

DD (5) told me today that Daddy goes in the shower with her - he has an enclosed cubicle shower with door like mine so you’d have to be standing right next to each other.... I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old.
But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? And she smiled and said “no he doesn’t mind ! He doesn’t wear anything !” And I said oh right, really? I tried not to show my shock but perhaps it came across in my voice a bit as she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me !”

...... this has just struck me as odd. And made me feel a bit 😬
He is 6’3” and his.. well... you know would be right in her face... she’s very tactile & if she sees me walking around with my pants on she will launch herself at me for a tight bear hug and blow raspberry on my tummy and sniff my skin and really like nuzzle me.

I don’t know this just makes me feel icky.

OP posts:
123Helpus · 18/06/2019 12:04

Wow this literally sounds like my whole situation please feel free to message me x

Hecateh · 18/06/2019 12:04

I think this is such an individual thing.

I am so much older and I know things are very different from when I was a child and even a parent.

As far as I remember my kids were about 7 or 8 when they started being modest, of their own accord in front of me and their dad. I still wandered around naked in front of them when they were teenagers.

The nudity isn't an issue but in a small cubicle it is I think as their face is too close to the genital area. In a big cubicle or open area I don't think it's an issue but I also have a small 750mm cubicle and that is a tight space just for me when it comes to picking something off the floor. Blush

Booboosweet · 18/06/2019 12:07

My child showers by herself with me supervising and she's 5. No need to share showers at that age.

AyBeeCee10 · 18/06/2019 12:09

Yanbu op. I too think this isnt appropriate especially as she is the height of his privates. I would certainly be taking this up with him.

Original poster
beingniceiscool11 · 18/06/2019 12:11

@deydododatdodontdeydo court action isn't about 'getting him' on something, it's about DD wellbeing and whether the current CAO is working for her and are we able to be the best parents we can be with things how they are - the answer is no and no. Unfortunately his behaviour is the source of why this is. I don't need something to "get him on" - I just want DD to be happy and I want him to be a big part of her life if it's safe and beneficial for her emotional and physical wellbeing, because she loves him. However I'm not going to ignore disclosures DD has made to me and have been trying to find the right way to address them and the correct channels and professionals. Our child is unhappy and struggling with a few things that she was absolutely not struggling with before he had overnight contact and 50/50 shared care. I was able to be a better parent/more present & playful mother without the constant stress of trying to co-parent with someone who is using our DD to always "get one up on me" or assert his control over me and constantly drip by drip tearing me down/undermining me to DD.
This is what I feel needs to be addressed. I am not trying to stop her having time with him.

OP posts:
BlueCornishPixie · 18/06/2019 12:14

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a dad and daughter showering together.

As a child I saw my dad naked all the time. His penis wouldn't have been weird, it was just another body part of my dad in the same way i saw my brothers willy. Like for me as a child, seeing my dad naked was just an everyday, boring natural occurance. Still to this day I think if I had to see my dad naked for whatever reason it wouldn't bother me, he's my dad and I just wouldn't even associate anything sexual or weird with it?

However I was completely comfortable with it, it doesn't sound like your DD is comfortable with your ex's behaviour. It sounds like he is consistently overriding her boundaries. If my dad had done something I didn't like he wouldn't have done it, I would have felt entirely comfortable asking him to stop

I also think the it's okay he didnt touch me comment is weird. At 5 why would there be anything negative about her dad touching her? Of course he touches her he's her dad! She wouldn't associate touching with sex, so it means she has got the idea that her dad touching her is wrong? Maybe something shes been told not to tell others about? I think it's a really strange comment to make from a 5 year old,

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 18/06/2019 12:14

If your child is unhappy and struggling then you need to do something

I don’t think 50:50 care is anything other than selfish and disruptive for such young children

And I definitely don’t think he needs to or should want to shower naked with her that’s peculiar. Her comment regarding this is very concerning

LeSquigh · 18/06/2019 12:19

Is this a joke? You don’t want your daughter to wash with her dad? He wore swimming trunks in the past? Why? This is all a bit mental. I have a bath with my kids sometimes, (to save time more than anything), I don’t get why this is strange.

Whosorrynow · 18/06/2019 12:21

The fact that he is using your daughter as a way to control and punish you is concerning, it suggests, that he sees her primarily as a tool with which he can achieve his aims rather than a person in her own right

RoRosmama · 18/06/2019 12:21

I see no problem with it whatsoever. He is her father. My daughter showers with her dad all the time, yes she is 2 but I think it's beautiful and the bond they share is wonderful.
It's so over the top now days, I just don't get it.

The only concern I have about this is the fact your daughter said "it's ok he doesn't touch me!" How does a 5 year old know about that sort of thing anyway?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 18/06/2019 12:23

My child showers by herself with me supervising and she's 5. No need to share showers at that age.

With respect, so what what your child can do?
My DD couldn't shower by herself till 12 and DH had to shower her.
Our situation has nothing to do with OPs.
I think 5 yo unassisted showering is pretty rare, mine wouldn't have even be able to reach the controls.

Whosorrynow · 18/06/2019 12:26

The showering together isn't inherently bad but when you look at it in combination with all the other factors it begins to look problematic

formerbabe · 18/06/2019 12:26

I see no problem with it whatsoever.
He is her father

I do wish posters would stop saying it's fine because he's her dad. Some fathers do abuse their children. I'm not suggesting that's what's happening in the ops situation by the way. But to suggest everything is fine and dandy because 'he's her father' is a very naive point of view.

RoRosmama · 18/06/2019 12:30

@formerbabe sorry I can't make your wish come true!
Yes indeed some fathers do, and also some mothers. The question was "Do you think it's weird she showers with her father?" To which I answered no I don't think it's weird cos he is her father. If the question was "do you think it's weird my daughter showers with her abusive father?" Then my answer would be completely different. Stop being so pedantic!

Figuringitout · 18/06/2019 12:32

He’s her dad. Unless there’s a huge history or back story then surely sharing a shower with your kids is fine. My kids (7 & 3) often shower together, or with me or DH. There’s no need for it as such, but they enjoy it - I had no idea other people would find it so strange. Surely (again dependant on backstory) seeing it as sexual or odd is more about your own experiences/what feels comfortable in your family.

formerbabe · 18/06/2019 12:35

Unless there’s a huge history or back story

Rtft!

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 18/06/2019 12:36

Afternoon, OP. We've been having a look at this thread and we can see there's quite a bit of history here. Now that you've had lots of answers on the AIBU re the shower issue, we thought we might move the thread over to Relationships, where the marvellous Relationships crew are bound to have lots of spot-on advice about the wider issue here re your ex, CAFCASS etc.

woodhill · 18/06/2019 12:38

No, just not right. Wouldn't have happened in my home.

placemats · 18/06/2019 12:43

I thought this was the Relationships thread!

Now I understand some of the responses.

Good move Hebe Mumsnet.

LinoleumBlownapart · 18/06/2019 12:44

I think it's irrelevant if others shower with their kids. My husband and I have showered with all our children, but showering or sleeping are non-events for children. They are routine and mundane. They are not usually things that children think about and talk about.
The fact that she wants to talk to you about the shower, sleeping etc arrangements would ring alarm bells for me too, because it suggests that this was not a routine or mundane thing for her.
Trust your instincts and hope they're wrong.

woodhill · 18/06/2019 12:44

I would have hated it with either of my dps full stop.

FoxSquadKitten · 18/06/2019 12:46

Is this a joke? You don’t want your daughter to wash with her dad? He wore swimming trunks in the past? Why? This is all a bit mental.

Maybe try having a read.....

PregnantOnPurpose · 18/06/2019 12:47

Probably not the same, but I feel weird when my dog watches me get changed. I can feel his judgement.

placemats · 18/06/2019 12:52

Re your post to FizzyGreen it sounds to me OP by your last paragraph that you were in an abusive relationship and mediation in these circumstances is not advised.

And yes, I'm sure he charms the birds off the trees but you will be working with professionals who will or SHOULD see past this.

Good luck with this. Your voice and concerns are valid. I've read and listened and I think you have reasons to be concerned about your daughter. xx

DoctorDread · 18/06/2019 12:59

Agreed @placemats