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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

207 replies

Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 15:02

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 17/06/2019 15:06

I think the real issue is, are you really compatible ? There are a number of issues, a cultural issue, he lives at home, he’s not as driven as you

Seniorschoolmum · 17/06/2019 15:07

YAnbu. At all.

I’d go so far as to hoover the bedroom, open all the windows and steal the duvet cover to put in the wash before I started work. Grin

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/06/2019 15:07

Your house, your rules.

Nothing wrong with having a lazy day now and again but to do it both days every weekend I would find very tiresome. And boring.

MrsExpo · 17/06/2019 15:09

Sorry OP but I think I'd kick him into touch. You have every right to lay down a few ground rules in your own home and this guy seems to be more of a hindrance than a help. I presume you mean he's lying about while you study, do household chores etc. Does he pitch in and help you with the gardening etc? Also, the not visiting his home thing would worry me - cultural differences or not.

Epona1 · 17/06/2019 15:10

Your house your rules.

Does he contribute financially whilst he’s cock lodging at your house?

TBH I would not tolerate it one bit and I’d have shown him the door a long time ago

AnnaNimmity · 17/06/2019 15:11

well yes - just say that it doesn't work for you and he can go home after a night out. I wouldn't want someone lounging around in my bed all day either.

I can't understand that myself either. It's much better to get on with the day. Get out for a run, coffee, brunch and then do something.

MMmomDD · 17/06/2019 15:14

OP - do you want him to get up at 11:30 and leave? So you can study?
In that case - no - you are not being unreasonable.....

If it’s a principle - you can’t study if he is sleep and you want him awake and just sitting in the house - just so you don’t keep thinking he is resting while you have to study...
Then - you just need to not have him around on days when you need to study.... Or, even better, end it..
(It is also unclear how him being awake is less distracting... Presumably he’ll be moving around and talking, or watching tv, etc)

He is clearly bugging you. And his circumstances aren’t great for dating.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 15:15

Cocklodger alert!

DPotter · 17/06/2019 15:16

It's not his home, yet he is spending a lot of time at yours. Is he contributing to costs and upkeep - food, utilities, taking out the bins, cleaning the loo. frankly I'd be telling him as he is staying with you so often, that you expect both a financial contribution and contribution to running the home, chores etc. As your currently studying I would also be telling him - that at weekends he has to be up and out by 9am so you can get on with studying. It's not that you would be controlling; currently he's treating yours as a free hotel and you're letting him. Claim your home back!!

Sarcelle · 17/06/2019 15:17

It's your house. You sound like a doormat.

ffs74 · 17/06/2019 15:20

Doesn't sound like a great relationship really. It's very early days and at that stage I would have been in bed with dh all day Grin
If you're unsure generally, maybe best to call it a day?

YouJustDoYou · 17/06/2019 15:21

I wouldn't be able to put up with that.

MrMagooooo · 17/06/2019 15:23

It's your house, so you can do what you want but..Why? Are you doing stuff together? Or are you just working, died he disturb you?

I wouldn't be annoyed, but I'd just stay at mine on the Friday. Looks like a lay in to him is important.

I'm not sure I get what the big deal is. If you lived together would you still insist on him getting up, just because you had to.

donajimena · 17/06/2019 15:24

My partner tried this. I told him he was quite within his rights to lay in bed all day but he could be do it in his own house. I hated it. I like to get up early and get on with the day. We've already agreed seperate rooms will work better when we move in x

MrsCollinssettled · 17/06/2019 15:25

I would suggest that he doesn't stay at weekends as you are too busy studying and doing housework. If he isn't contributing he would be better off having his lay-ins at his parents. Although I suspect he has his lie-in at yours because they won't tolerate it at theirs.

I'd be questioning what you get out of the relationship

Lllot5 · 17/06/2019 15:25

Get rid. Bloody cheek you can’t go to his house, so he comes to yours most days and weekends, then lies in bed.
Why would you continue to see him.
Get rid of him.

FuriousVexation · 17/06/2019 15:26

Fuck me, he must be amazing in bed.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 15:27

MrMagooooo blimey you have low standards for a boyfriend's behaviour! he is using OP's home as hotel, an alternative to being at his mums!

Nofilter · 17/06/2019 15:28

Wow he's gone from having his mother do everything to being a lazy shit at yours! He does t seem very ambitious and it doesn't sound like you are getting much out of this.. at your age the signs are already there - move on swiftly you can do better OP without sounding harsh xx

Happinessbegins · 17/06/2019 15:30

I would hate that. I’m up by 6 even at weekends so 9am would be a major lie in for me.

When I was younger I could stay in bed all day but not any more. Ok when I was a student or recovering from a big night out but I wouldn’t appreciate it any more.

Do you actually socialise enjoy being together? Sounds like a set up he is benefiting from more than you.

Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 15:32

Thanks everyone, I genuinely felt like I was being some kind of control freak to wanting to ask.

NorthernParent see, this is what I need to decide. We just seem so different. For instance, we were talking about our next career moves and he was focussed on finding a second job such as a delivery driver or security guard. Nothing wrong in this at all and in fact I help at my friend's bar from time to time for fun and a bit of extra pocket money but he has been completely neglecting the professional qualification his company are paying for him to study which would lead to muxh better prospects in a couple of years regarding his day job. I promise I'm not money oriented at all it's just a different way of seeing things. I want to challenge myself and do something I see as worthwhile whereas he seems more focussed on earning a little extra now and not the future, when actually he is the one that likes the finer things. He is fully entitled to have these views but I can't help feeling it would be nice to have a partner who I have a bit more in common with.

Sorry, slight rant there!

MrsExpo that's right, yes. He will help if I ask him and give him a specific task to do, but would never spontaneously say, load the dishwasher after I had made dinner. He is great with driving me places and generous, he will often pay for food shopping or meals out but gets a bit arsey after giving any practical help, for instance telling me how to clean my mirrors when I have been doing this years and he has never tried once!

Haha SeniorSchoolMum yes, I will start this, singing loudly as I clean!!

OP posts:
Happyspud · 17/06/2019 15:32

He sounds a bit rubbish if I’m honest......

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/06/2019 15:32

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

there is your answer

MrMagooooo · 17/06/2019 15:34

@QueenOfTheCroneAge The OP hadn't mentioned can't other issues, just the sleeping in. I don't understand - If she is working on the weekend why can't he sleep if he wants to.

If she wants to get up, go do some things then I see a problem, but if she is just working then what is the big deal?

If it were me and I had to get up and work, as long as I didn't have to work in the bedroom I wouldn't care.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/06/2019 15:34

Cheeselover

He saw you coming a mile off didn't he?. You are being used here as a doormat for him to wipe his feet all over. And you cannot visit his mother's house due to cultural reasons!. Really?.

Why are you and he together at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. C'mon you can and should do far better for yourself here than this chancer.