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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

207 replies

Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 15:02

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 18/06/2019 08:48

(It is also unclear how him being awake is less distracting... Presumably he’ll be moving around and talking, or watching tv, etc)

But you don’t have to be logical or rational op, you just have to ask for what you want. Before I get jumped on I’m not saying irrationality is good, nor is throwing your weight around to get your own way( you don’t sound that type op) . I’m just saying that your dislike of his behaviour is part of a bigger picture, and you might not even see the reason until hindsight pops it into view. So in a years time you could easily be saying
I’m so glad I mopped that cocklodging in the bud, with hindsight I can see he was really taking the piss”, but for now it’s just “ this is irritating me no end and I want it to stop” .

I imagine it’s indicative of a much bigger picture of( possibly) incompatibility.

But what I’d encourage you to do ( sorry I’m being really waffly ) is to treat yourself like you would a good friend, listen to your feelings and act on them.

BouncingBanana · 18/06/2019 08:50

All you have to do now OP is stick to your decision. No going back, no taking back.
So glad you took the stance that you did.
You really don't need a bloke like that in your life. There's thousands of decent men out there who will be great partners. Never settle for anything less.
Good luck.

Ohyesiam · 18/06/2019 08:50

Just read your updates, late to the party as usual!
Well done.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/06/2019 09:45

Brave decision. And good decision.

Well done. You deserve better than this manchild.

Pinkmonkeybird · 18/06/2019 09:48

Well done @Cheeselover1!!

Ihatehashtags · 18/06/2019 10:06

Dump him. I only read “I can’t visit him at his house due to his culture “ that there is enough to tell me it isn’t going to work.

Whatisthisfuckery · 18/06/2019 10:08

Haven’t RTFT, but just from the few pages I have read:

he stays in bed at your house all day which drags you down.

he won’t help unless asked, but never offers and gets in a moody afterwards.

he tells you what you’re doing wrong, despite not doing it and never having done it himself.

He doesn’t want to talk about things you’re interested in.

He’s not exactly ambitious, which is fine, but not compatible with you if you are.

He has a whole other life living with his mum, but you’re not allowed to visit. Do you know for sure that this is the case btw?

Again, he (allegedly) lives with his mum, so probably has everything done for him. Do you want to have to step into her role if you ever marry?

Have you considered the implications of his culture on your life if you ever marry.

That’s not a particularly enticing list OP. You can definitely do a lot better than that. 33 is nothing, and you’re only just fully mentally and emotionally mature by 33, so you’ve got loads of time. Don’t settle for this, it sounds like shit if I’m honest.

femidom12 · 18/06/2019 10:15

@Whatisthisfuckery read the updates he's been given his marching orders....

AdaColeman · 18/06/2019 10:19

Well done Cheese!

Stop feeling guilty, you have done nothing to feel guilty about. You have been committed and fully involved in the relationship, unlike him. He has just used the relationship to his own advantage.

Stop thinking of him as your partner, he was never that, at best he was a boyfriend.

Delete/block his number, ignore if he tries to contact you.

Start living your life! Thanks

MusicTwilight · 18/06/2019 10:24

re. the original issue, apart from anything else, I think its really rude as well as odd just to lie in someone else's bed all day! It means he's a bit of a slob, with no manners, and is not really that bothered about you (he could be chatting to you, helping you, having a laugh, cooking etc).

I think his response to your ending it shows - he's just a bit of a selfish manchild (i.e. can't see anyone's views except his own!)

Whatisthisfuckery · 18/06/2019 10:35

Ah, yes, thank you. Don’t know why I didn’t see that.

Well done OP. Make sure he’s gone and he stays gone. Your life will be so much better without him in it.Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on so concentrate on that for a bit. There are plenty of decent men out there, but maybe you need to wait for one to come to you for a while.

Massive well done to you. Enjoy your slob free weekends. X

Juells · 18/06/2019 10:48

What a lovely arrangement this is for him.

mcmooberry · 18/06/2019 10:48

Oh well done! Could tell from your first post that your relationship didn't have the legs! He sounded very annoying, glad you realise you have done the right thing. And 33 is nothing!!

Juells · 18/06/2019 10:54

Oops, sorry, got carried away half way through the thread, and posted without reading to the end Grin Glad you've got shot of him, he'd have wasted years of your life, using your house as a home from home with benefits. What an entitled twat Hmm

Whosorrynow · 18/06/2019 10:55

The fact that he stormed out suggest that he is angry because you disobeyed him rather than upset because he'll miss you
Good riddance eh!

SandAndSea · 18/06/2019 11:40

Lovely news! Well done, OP! Next time, have it in mind to be alert to these signs a bit earlier on, so you can rule the wronguns out a bit quicker.

Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 18/06/2019 11:46

Thanks All. Definitely no going back, spoke to my most brutally honest friend who said 'thank god, you can do far better' and to be honest I think I can. In terms of compatibility at least. I feel like dancing!! If only I wasnt sat in a course all day!

OP posts:
another20 · 18/06/2019 11:50

Hang on tight to that feeling of 3 st. lighter - it’s v important - it’s called your self esteem and if anyone else starts to make you feel even a little bit heavier - address it immediately - check your boundaries, raise it with them - if no resolution or compromise bin them immediately!

Don’t waste time trying to understand shitty people.....you would have been better spending a fraction of the money and time you spent feeding him over the last 8 months on therapy for yourself - you still should - it would be transformative.

How have your previous relationships been?

Yabbers · 18/06/2019 12:29

He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture.

This would be my dealbreaker. When does that stop? When you are married? Or have children.

and men are expected to pay for everything and do things like driving and sorting out logistics

I guess he is paying all the bills and organises everything, then?

Or is he a lazy twat not fulfilling his own gender role, either?

He is not a keeper.

Yabbers · 18/06/2019 12:31

(Sorry, missed the update, well done OP)

Pinkmouse6 · 18/06/2019 13:11

I used to sleep in till this time as a teenager but not as an adult, it’s a total waste of your day off.

Tell him he’s welcome to sleep in till that time at home but not at your house. If he has an issue with it, he knows where to go. I’d hate DP sleeping in till this time too, it’s such a lazy teenage thing to do.

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 18/06/2019 13:34

So pleased to hear your update Cheeselover1. You're motivated, ambitious and smart - the world is your lobster Grin

Robin2323 · 18/06/2019 14:00

You sound so much like my sil.
Interesting successful woman.
Did the soup kitchens Christmas Day. Well travelled.
While her dh was 'different '
After 20 years they divorced- her call.
She's never been happier.
He moved on quite quickly out of necessity (though I'm sure he'd be back like a shot).
Good luck you're on your way :)

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2019 16:05

Thank god you've finally seen the light! Block him from everything and NEVER look back. You have a much brighter future ahead of you. Never, ever settle again.

CaptainJaneway62 · 18/06/2019 16:26

Well done OP.
You deserve a lot better.

Someone who will have the respect to even listen to what you have to say would be a start.
Someone with the same work ethic and plans for the future as well.
You are still young and hopefully you will meet someone whilst your out and about doing the volunteering etc
Just don't settle for anyone.

Good Luck OP Flowers