Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

[Cheeselover1]

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

Some of these responses are hysterically over the top: 'troughing your food'; 'manspreading across your house'. Wild, mad, bitter projection from your own awful relationships I guess. So angry and shouty and extreme. And it always the same, 'what are you getting out of it?', fantasising about that they would say, like zombies, waiting for threads to froth over. Is it your only entertainment?

Oh god, yes, midsomer, those awful hysterical, bitter women, how dare they think that they should get something out of a relationship!

Midsomer, PPs have been really helpful in their input and it has helped me make the right decision.

I think 'what are you getting out of it?' is the right question to ask in any problematic relationship. That is to say, on balance, do the pros outweigh the cons and should you continue.

I really think what I said!

but my view is influenced by.....weird thing happened at work. Someone invited their cousin to a work drink - just local pub - and then had a blue fit when he started dating someone in their office.

It took a while to get the info out of her but the short version - her cousin treated women like shit, she only invited him to the pub because it got a social obligation out of the way.

he did a similar thing, pulling "culture" as a reason not to visit his mum - he lived with his mum - but then finally the woman he was dating got pregnant and decided to have the baby.

at which point... the mother was told and turned out to be an absolute gem.

the man was a total arse who had no interest in his own child and eventually his mum kicked him out and told him to be an adult.

the now ex and the mum (now grandma) remain very close while the bloke remains a useless git.

sorry if that made no sense. But this situation really sounded the same. Apparently he hung around all his exes homes to avoid being with his mum but never moved out because then he'd have to pay rent!!

I'm glad you ended this OP, he was the only person gaining from this relationship, and your friend is right, you do deserve so much better

Cocklodger.
You sound like you have a lot going for you and can definitely do better than him.

Forgetting the introductions to his mum etc, the rest of his behaviour and attitude was shitty too.