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Original poster

Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

207 replies

Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 15:02

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

OP posts:
EvacuateTheCardinals · 17/06/2019 17:32

I'm sorry OP but at 7/8 years you can perhaps consider the sunk costs fallacy, not at 7/8 months! Lovely, he is using you. He will never marry you, his family will never accept you and to cap it all he's a lazy, sponging lump. Have you met any of his friends? One of the things I have advised my adult DD's is NEVER fall for a lazy man. My DH of 32 years has just turned 60 and he's always up at 6am, weekdays and weekends. If I mention anything needs doing, he's off on a mission, even if I'm happy to do it myself. Laziness is a very unattractive quality.

chipsandgin · 17/06/2019 17:33

Is this him OP..

Honestly a useless cocklodger who can’t cook, is lazy & has no ambition, he must be a fucking fantastic shag or why on earth are you not running for the hills OP!?

Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?
Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 17:33

Another20 no, I wouldn't say so..he has an older married brother who does a lot for their mum too and I would say is more of a head of household figure. I dont think his mum expects him to stay at home forever.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 17/06/2019 17:33

I don't get why he can't lie in bed all day at his own home and see you later.

This.

If he’s not contributing to rent or bills then he can sleep all day at mummy’s house?!

Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 17:43

I'm running out of patience to be honest with him. Didn't want to focus on not being invited to his house (we live in the same city btw) but I think it's been long enough, he isn't a teenager and it's not his first relationship. He knows my expectations are not to be kept separate from his home life indefinitely.

Also, in conversation, he often won't engage in what I say. For instance, I got back from a volunteering trip and wanted to discuss some of the ethical points it raised for me (working with vulnerable people) and he listened to my opening few sentences but then said 'hm' and didnt seem interested in any discussion on what I thought was quite an interesting experience (and other people have thought so, not just me rambling on!). When I asked him.about this later, he said he didnt see why it needed to be discussed. I had explained what happened and that was that. I really try and engage in his interests and get him to tell me more.

I honestly need to call time on this relationship. Was kind of worried that at 33 I might not meet anyone again but tbh i dont think i want 50 years of this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 17:44

ChipsandGin to be fair to him he is a bit taller!!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/06/2019 17:51

I think the real question is why you’re so naive about relationships at your age.

He’s not really interested in what you say, he keeps you apart from his family (strong sign he will marry within his culture), he’s currently cocklodging, he’s lazy and he gets in the way of what you want to do.

What about this is a good relationship?

Bluerussian · 17/06/2019 17:55

33 is no age nowadays and you sound as though you are a very interesting, intelligent woman. You can do better than this useless lump! Cut him out, pronto.

Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 17:59

tatiana I dont know. It's hard to say. I think boundaries are an area I've been trying to work on. I was sexually assaulted several times in the past and find it quite hard even now to accept when enough is enough of a given type of behaviour.

I suppose this guy has become a habit quite quickly. He is not a bad person. It's just like he doesn't hear me sometimes. Like, whenever I try to discuss our differences and try to end the relationship, he keeps coming back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 18:03

Thanks BlueRussian :-)

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 17/06/2019 18:06

I'm late to your thread OP, and admit to not having read it all, but the gut reaction is "Argh! Do you really, really want to live your life like this?".

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 18:07

Like, whenever I try to discuss our differences and try to end the relationship, he keeps coming back.

Oh, OP! he doesn't care about you or respect your wishes, on top of everything else! you don't owe him a relationship!

Please get rid and have some counselling. That will do you more good than he ever will.

Bluerussian · 17/06/2019 18:09

You're welcome. I am wondering what it is about his culture that stops him introducing you to his family. Or is it just his excuse.

madcatladyforever · 17/06/2019 18:11

For christ's sake he is a lazy cocklodger using your place as a doss house who is not the slightest bit interested in anything you have to say or anything you do.
There is no more I try to end the relationship but he keeps coming back nonsense, get rid, tell him to get lost and stay lost.
Tell him he is a lazy piece of shit - anything.
My first husband was like this - guess what happened.

Shootingstar1115 · 17/06/2019 18:12

Your house, your rules. What a waste of a day lying in bed until that time of day anyway! OH works long hours all week and is still up at the crack of dawn. Hate wasting the day! Odd times ok, but not every weekend. I would have a banging headache lying in bed all day!

Loopytiles · 17/06/2019 18:14

He clearly isn’t suitable for a long term relationship, and your life is hectic, the relationship sounds like a waste of time, money and energy that you could better spend on the other things in your life.

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 17/06/2019 18:20

I find loud hoovers work a dream when trying to get someone out of bed...

Japonicaflower2 · 17/06/2019 18:21

Oh dear OP, it all sounds very convenient for him until someone else more compatible with his mother's views comes along? He's getting very comfortable, and you're fulfilling his current needs...
Personally I would kick him out pronto.

Loopytiles · 17/06/2019 18:23

Doesn’t matter if he’s a good/bad person, he’s not respecting your boundaries at all, while keeping his, eg no intros to his family.

tuxedocatsintophats · 17/06/2019 18:23

He keeps coming back because a) you let him b) it's easy for him to lounge at yours c) you let him d) you let him.

This is simpler than you're making out because you're not truly getting rid of him and then deleting and blocking him from your life. You don't owe him face to face, or justifications, or explanations or apologies.

You tell him that the relationship has run its course, it's no longer working for nor will ever work for you, so you are ending it, once and for all, it's not negotiable or up for discussion and as such, he's not to contact you and you won't be contacting him as you need to move on due to the two of you not being compatible.

Turner69 · 17/06/2019 18:32

I think that sleeping in until 1pm - 3pm every weekend is pretty rude to be honest, particularly as this is a relatively new relationship. I'm a late sleeper myself but wouldn't dream of staying in bed until 3pm at someone else's house.

I'd have to say something if it was me. Suggesting that he get up late morning sounds more than reasonable.

QuickQuestion2019 · 17/06/2019 18:33

What's the point of him @Cheeselover1 ? He sleeps all the time, eats for free at yours, has no ambition and also sounds boring.

You can do so much better

TheInvestigator · 17/06/2019 18:35

I had to end a relationship because of this. I couldn't stand it. Honestly, to me it was just slovenly and disgusting; who just lies around in bed until the afternoon? I can't stand it. I want to get up and do things and I want someone who wants that too. When I realise what he was like, I ended it.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/06/2019 19:05

Honestly I know you worry that you may not find anyone at 33 but trust me. Being alone is Waaay better than being with the wrong person. Dump this loser and spend some time on yourself so that you learn what you are really worth. Set your bar much much higher. This is no relationship and it has no happy future for you.

MitziK · 17/06/2019 19:05

DP gets lie ins at the weekend because he gets up earlier than me every day to make me tea and a packed lunch. He also does the vast majority of the housework and cooking. He's also the Olympic Champion of Shit Sleep Patterns - if he's left to his own devices, he'll stay up all night and sleep by day. Mine aren't much better, but I know how bad it is physically and mentally to not see daylight for months on end.

I'm normally up by 9.30/10 and actually quite enjoy having an hour or so to myself without the TV on, potter about, do some deep cleaning, drink coffee, that kind of thing. However, if there's no sign of him emerging by 11.30, he gets a brief visit with a strong coffee. Come 12.10, I'm back up there telling him to move it.

Your boyfriend is taking the piss.