Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

[Cheeselover1]

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

@Cheeselover1 that’s why I was a little annoyed with people suggesting that he is, as it’s very much not the issue here- more a different approach to lifestyle I guess which isn’t as clear cut as some are perceiving it. Ultimately it comes down to what you feel and what you want

If he's Pakistani and the 'cultural differences' are showing themselves already, then cut your loses. Honest your just a shag bag until his wife comes along.

That without going into the fact he's lazy. Think he's using you op sorry

Send him home to mummy. He’s not father material. He’s going to expect you to do all the grunt work and in a modern twist work to support your child. You’ll be doing all the night feeds, all the nursery drop off and pick ups, all the meals and cleaning whilst he languishes in bed til lunch time. That means no family outings or day trips, ruined holidays etc.

For me it’s not so much about living with his mum or not having career aspirations...or even the fact that he’s lazy and resents helping out.
It’s more basic than that...quite simply, I’d be bored shitless and aggravated senseless by a bloke coming round to my house to sleep all day. A lie in till 3pm? He’s using your place as a doss house.

@KatesMott Exactly but everyone is jumping all over it. I've just asked my partner, she wouldn't mind. In fact she said if we didn't have kids she'd spend it in bed too.

Fuck me. A man is always on thin ice in this place.

Why are you even with him?

There is no long term future here at all op. He can’t even take you home to meet his family, he is ashamed of you, how is it going to work out if you decide to get married or have dc? You will have very hostile in laws on your hands, who will never be happy he is involved with you. Ever. You will never be good enough.

Equally you will be a expected to tow the line and do all the women’s work, are you going to be happy with that?

Worse still, he is incredible lazy. How is that going to work with babies? You will literally be left holding the baby all of the time.

I agree with pp. You are being used. You are a good option for him, weekend sex with no strings. He doesn’t see a future - so why do you?

Get him out now, and find someone that loves you enough to proudly introduce you to their entire family, a family that respects and cares for you.

Cut your losses before it is too late. Whatever investment you have made will de dwarfed by what is to come if you stay together.

@Cheeselover1 I think you probably have to think about the cultural difference. Personally from everything else you've said doesn't seem a problem but I think the cultural one is.

When it comes to marriage and kids people from a different culture succumb to pressure and marry within their culture.

I would hate that. I’m up by 6 even at weekends so 9am would be a major lie in for me.

Likewise and thankfully my husband is the same!

In the nicest possible way, please run.
And up your standards before settling with husband and DC.

Ugh..my ex was like this, wanting to sleep in until very late at the weekends and wondered why I started making plans to do stuff without him. It's ok once in a while, but not every fucking weekend. It is your place, so tell him to go home for his lie ins if that is what he wants.

I would not be with someone who wanted to sleep on the only day off together!

I think you need to decide if he is a boyfriend, a visitor or neither. It doesn't sound as though either has much in it for you and relationships should be a two-way street. He's in his 30's and you're not allowed to visit his home? Pah!

Jees 7/8 months is nothing in terms of sunk costs! Imagine a couple years later, 9 months and a baby and then you realise he's an utterly useless lazy father. Get rid. This will only get worse. He doesn't even have his own place.

Why are women putting up with this crap!

OP, this is a teenage boy living with his mother. Why on earth are you letting him sleep in till 3 pm and tell you how to clean your house?!

It's so depressing reading threads like this - you don't have to put up with it, yet you do. Why?

Where do his parents think he us at weekends/ evenings?
At some point you have to meet them and get over the cultural issue unless you are going to be life long secret?
You are not spending the time together if he is asleep

I’m an early bird too. Always have been. As I am physically fit with a busy life, I think lying around in bed is a waste of time. I appreciate that there are some who enjoy it and find it a good use of free time...but not me. I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who spent their time in this way. I want company and conversation, joint ventures and things going on. I don’t want a lump in a darkened room to contend with, not when they have a choice to do something less boring instead.

Set him free to find a like-minded, bed-dwelling, she-lump to stink up the sheets with. You wait for someone rather more dynamic to come along. That’s my advice.

I'm a total night owl but 1-3pm every weekend? I'd have had to have stayed up on the piss till dawn to manage that and those days are long in the past.

He probably likes staying wih you cos of the sex and also because his own mother wouldn't put up with this shit.

If you can’t even visit his house and meet his relatives due to cultural differences, do you really think he’s going to potentially go against his family/culture and marry you? It seems incredibly unlikely. Surely if that was on the cards he’d be introducing you to his family?

You're a bit vague about what he contributes financially, apart from saying he's generous and sometimes contributes to the food shopping. Does his financial contribution equate to what he would pay for rent or half your mortgage and bills?

If his Dad is dead - does this make him the head of the household - is the expectation that his wife moves in to his parents home to look after his Mum?

WTAF! If you have to tell a grown arse man not have a lie in at every opportunity at someone else’s house, then no, he isn’t for you.

This is the type of guy who moves in by stealth. This is the type of guy whose looking for someone to replace his mother. This is the type of guy who’s ‘good’ qualities will never make up for the growing list of not so attractive qualities.

Right now you are still in the early stages of the relationship, his laziness, lack of ambition and expectations of you because you are a woman will wear pretty thin, very quickly.

Start as you mean to go on, if you don’t want to be his mother, don’t act like her.

Oh gawd this would drive me mad. Ultimately I do not think you are compatible.

7-8 months is not a long time but long enough to know that long term this would not work.

You are driven. He is lazy. He won't change. This is him at his best.

End it and find someone better.

I don't get why he can't lie in bed all day at his own home and see you later.

@Bluerussian probably because his mum gets him up at a reasonable time!