Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

[Cheeselover1]

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

1-3pm is not a lay in! 10am is a lay in.
It is utter laziness and would boil my piss. Tell him to eat the food at his own (parents) house and spend all day in bed there. I'd rather be alone than knowing some lazy arse is still in bed after lunch in MY home.

Do you want a future with him? Thinking marriage and children? Will he change drastically then? Doubtful.

So the only time he isn’t troughing through your food and manspreading across your home is when he is at work 9-5?

Sounds like he has already moved in — did you miss that?

What is his relationship history?

The man sounds like hard work at the very least and this is also someone who cannot and will not do any adulting here.

How poor also are your boundaries if you are at all putting up with this from him?.

diamanter I would like marriage and kids. I think theres a good deal of sunk costs fallacy here given I have invested quite a bit of time. I know that's ridiculous.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Is he a big drinker or does he have a weed habit - or is he going to bed really late ? If so why?

The OP has only mentioned the sleeping in. If it bothers her then fine, don't allow it, no big deal.

Why is everyone jumping on other stuff she hasn't mentioned she has a problem with.

Just because he sleeps in now means nothing for he future. I used to sleep off a hangover on weekends sometimes, now I rarely go out on Fridays not to spoil the weekend. By this logic I'm not s suitable future partner in my younger days.

Where do you see this going long term? Are the cultural differences surmountable? Ditto the difference in work ethics? If not, then there's your answer?

Fuck me, he must be amazing in bed.

He is - he can sleep for hoooours.....

I'm a sleeper-inner and no way would I do that at someone else's house, and even I don't stay in bed til 3pm. Midday is about my latest.

My new bf prefers to get up earlier than me (he is retired so doesn't get as wiped out by Sat as I do) and he mows the lawn for me, empties the dishwasher, listens to the radio on headphones, then pops up to check on me and see if I want a cup of tea - which is all lovely, but I don't take the mick by staying in bed all day, I get up about 9.30am when he is at mine or we're at his.

In your situation I'd ask him round for dinner/drink/cinema/shag Fri night then send him home afterwards, then ask if he wants to come over Sat pm and say you'll be finished studying from about 4pm, or whatever and let him know you don't want him staying over.

Or, better still, just end it, he doesn't sound much fun!

he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine

This after only 7-8 months of a relationship. He doesn't live with his mum, he lives with you. When did he move in like this & when did you decide that that's what you - not he - wanted?
You can still have him around without him taking root in your house. Does he have keys? If you were doing something one evening with friends/family would you arrive home to find him there with his feet under the table without any actual reason for him to have been in your home since you weren't there?
It sounds like it's gotten too claustrophobic too soon. Back off a bit, make plans to see each other around your study schedule etc, don't let him treat your home like it's his - it isn't.

another20 he had a 5 year girlfriend a few years ago, he says they lived together but then sometimes gives the impression he's never actually left home so I wonder if it was a similar set up. I think she went to the house and got to know his mum. He had a couple of other girlfriends before when younger too.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Jeeesus. Do you cut and paste your responses.

All the guy does is want to lie in on Saturday. She hasn't even asked him to stop doing it yet and we're telling the OP to reflect on her relationship and figure out what she learnt while growing up.

She might air her concerns and he goes 'Okay, I didn't realise it bothered you'

What's in this for you, apart from extra laundry and manstink in your bedroom?

Oh, he doesn't drink a huge amount or regularly and definitely doesn't smoke weed so it's not that. Just good old laziness!

I think theres a good deal of sunk costs fallacy here given I have invested quite a bit of time. I know that's ridiculous.

So, don't give any more of your precious time on this earth to this lazy entitled man! we all make partner mistakes, the thing is we learn from them and move on, a little sadder maybe, but wiser!

I was also going to mention the sunken costs fallacy; that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. He is a sunk cost to you and what you're forgetting as well is that the damage has already been done.

The past investment must not should not be the sole motivation for the future investment because you can’t just continue to invest even if you incurred a loss. The past investment of your love, energy, time is “sunk” and it cannot be reclaimed.

7-8 months is long enough to waste on a cocklodger.

That's not a lay in, that's spending most the day in bed! Seriously, what are you getting out of this?
If his home culture is such that you can't even visit his house, then realistically can the relationship go anywhere? I assume marriage could be an issue for a start (if you wanted that some day of course.) Why was his last girlfriend good enough to be taken home but you're not?
This aside he sounds like a lazy, freeloading manchild, sorry.

Mr Magoo

Would you want a man like this in your life?. No you would not, or perhaps you would!.

I will spell it out; he is cocklodging in the OPs house and has used a very flimsy reason as to why the OP cannot go around there.

This is your glimpse into how future life will be with him.

You don't sound compatible at all, and he certainly will not change.

You are already feeling dragged down after just 7-8months? Cut your losses and move on OP.

Oh, he doesn't drink a huge amount or regularly and definitely doesn't smoke weed so it's not that. Just good old laziness!

So you are with someone who is inherently lazy but not lazy enough apparently to tell you how to clean your windows!. He is a lazy manchild!.

@AttilaTheMeerkat The OP hadn't mentioned any other reasons she is unhappy. When that time comes on here fair enough.

His parents might be very strict and not like him dating a white women (if she is white) Thats not flimsy, that's just the way it is.

How soon into this 7/8 month relationship was he cock lodging at yours?

Does he cook, clean, financially contribute to this arrangement - or eating and sleeping at yours more or less 24/7?

I would like marriage and kids

Good luck with that if you marry him! Lie ins and having kids are not well matched. Doubt he'll miraculously change when a baby comes along.

You mentioned cultural differences. Is he from a home where roles are more gender segregated so he views housework as your responsibility and he is doing a favour helping?