Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

[Cheeselover1]

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

In a newish relationship, I would not be impressed if a bloke used me as a glorified hotel. He sounds like an overgrown teenager. If he wants to sleep all day, he can go do it in his own bed, rather than behaving currently a bit like farmer duck.

@Cheeselover1 Do you think he is taking the piss being at yours all the time. Does he give you anything back for staying at yours. Take you out, treat you, pay for things.

If not is this a problem for you?

I loved my bed and could stay in it for a long time, but after kids I am up at 6 every morning, I never wanted to see that time of day ever. Just because he is lazy now, doesn't mean he will be lazy later.

I agree you don't sound compatible. You are driven and ambitious he is frankly a bit lazy. The cultural differences may also be something that would be difficult if your relationship got serious. How does his culture see women? Would your inlaws be supportive of you?

*This is your glimpse into how future life will be with him.

You don't sound compatible at all, and he certainly will not change.

You are already feeling dragged down after just 7-8months? Cut your losses and move on OP.*

This, x 1000. The whole when people show you who they are, listen? That as well.

This is not just about him "lying in" until 3pm on weekend afternoons and infact never has been. He seems to be using OPs place as some sort of alternative residence to his parents house.

OP has mentioned investing in this relationship; the sunken costs fallacy has indeed reared its ugly head here.

Oh, FFS! Yet another one of these, in the 30s and still lives at home with Mum but happy using another bed as just like Mum's but he gets sex, too! What a have! Honestly, your bar is so low Frodo Baggins could limbo under it, Cheese. He's a lazy layabout. He is NOT marriage or father material and you know that, he's a manchild.

Wow he's gone from having his mother do everything to being a lazy shit at yours!

This!

Stop wasting your time and buying into the Sunken Cost Fallacy and move on.

He's a no-goer.

Hmm. My partner would stay in bed snoring at weekends but as it is I get him up after a bit of a lie in. We both have health problems, but with me it's much worse, pain and fatigue. There are usually housework or errands to be done, or a visit to a relly. Sometimes, my partner thanks me for motivating him. Bless him, he works really hard and not in the best job ever.
He also cooks my meals if I ma totally in pain. He's wonderful actually.
I just wanted to give you a comparison.
I think you could reason with him. Maybe he does not realise.

Sorry but I absolutely could not stand some big baby lying in bed until 3 pm every weekend. If he wants to do that he can do it at home.
What if you were married, had children? Would he still expect a lie in.
Sounds like he's just using you tbh and is behaving like a teenager. Who needs that much sleep?
I'd get rid and look for a proper man with ambitions, motivation and things to do other than sleeping. Yuck.

Yeah, bin him off. Still living with his parents? You can't visit due to "cultural" reasons? Bollocks to that. Even if he was a prince among men, you'd be setting yourself up for a nightmare in-law relationship.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes it is. Everyone else has made it about something else.

@Cheeselover1 Have you actually talked to him about this yet?

How can we jump all over another person without knowing all the facts and if he hasn't bothered to change after being asked.

I agree he seems to be using her place but maybe she doesn't mind him being there, just the sleeping in.

All she needs to do is talk to him but she's come on here first and people have jumped all over it.

My partner has been unhappy with various things I've done. She's told me and Ive changed my behaviour.

He's in his 30s, works full time, yet lives at home with mummy. When he's not sponging off you, of course.

Are you crazy? WTAF are you doing with him? RAISE THE BAR.

He sounds incredibly rude and disrespectful tbh, especially after such a short time. It is your home and he is taking it and your goodwill for granted. Do you even spend much time together as a couple or socially if he is only awake for weekend afternoons and you are barred from his family home. Do they know about you or have you met them? Unless he is unwell he simply is lazy and does not sound worth the effort.

Doesn't sound like this is a relationship with a strong future tbh.

Two quite big issues here, apart from the sleeping in.

1. You can't meet his family (and friends). I'm guessing they don't approve of you. This is unlikely to change.

1. He's a lot less serious about his career than you are. Also unlikely to change.

Doesn't sound great does it?

You are only a few months into this relationship, yet already you can see things about his life style that conflict with your own ideas.
You should still be at the honeymoon stage, thinking how wonderful he is!

Imagine how this might play out in the coming years were you to stay together.

His family would be a source of trouble and conflict, and more so were you to have children.
While you were focusing on developing your career, he would be focusing on part time work and doing as little as possible, again a cause of resentment.

I think you would soon begin to feel that he was holding you back, and that your life was more restricted because of being with him. I'd say end things with him now, and focus on your career for the moment. You can do better than him.

Get rid. Dragging you down? Lives with Mummy? Get rid.

This is kind of it, Chaz I understand that in his culture the gender roles are quite clearly demarcated so women cook and do the housework mainly, and men are expected to pay for everything and do things like driving and sorting out logistics. For example, from what I see, his mum looks to be a superb cook whereas he can just about fry an egg (it is a production worthy of Anthony Bourdain when he does). I would prefer things to be a bit more shared, both practically and money-wise.

TeakcakeandaLatte his mum knows who I am but has apparently warned him that relationships between those of his culture and mine (i am white British) are likely to fail as this happened to one or two of her relatives. So I'm not sure she would be supportive. His dad is sadly dead and his younger sister and I have met maybe twice or 3 times and got on well so I think she is ok with the relationship.

I mean she knows I exist and have a name, we havent met.

“He is great with driving me places and generous, he will often pay for food shopping or meals out” not sure how this makes him a ‘cock lodger’

A real key to wasting time on sunken costs is to equate a boyfriend of a few months like this with a 'partner'. A partner is someone who's part of a team with you, not someone who uses your house as a doss when he's not at Mum's and your bed for the added benefit of sex.

To be fair Kates he is a very giving and kind guy, I wouldn't say he was on the take from me.

Cheese, why aren't you being as fair on yourself as much as you're tying yourself in knots trying to justify wasting time on a man with whom you are in no way compatible and who shows you all the time who he is: someone who believes women are there to enable him to lay about in bed when he's not at work? As it is he won't marry you and will use the cultural difference to justify loafing at yours and wasting your time. I mean, a guy that age who can barely fry an egg and fully believes The Man is the might peen in the house and the woman is there to play the little wifey in the kitchen and you want an equal relationship with marriage and kids? Get real. We only get one life to waste.

Uh, yes you are.

The far better, tidier solution is to dump him ASAP. I promise you, within an inch of my life, that I am absolutely correct about this.

Take a long hard look at your future because I see an utterly miserable one.

Don't give it a second thought.

He's a lazy waster who will break your heart and back from lack of effort.

Get rid.