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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it really controlling to ask DP not to stay in bed all day at my house?

207 replies

Cheeselover1 · 17/06/2019 15:02

Hi all,

Fully prepared to be told I am bang out of order but would like some views.

I have been seeing DP for about 7-8 months. Im currently a little bit undecided whether to continue long term as although he is a wonderful kind, caring guy, we are very different people in terms of interests and outlook.

But for now, he eats and sleeps most weekends and evenings at mine. He lives with his mum and I can't visit there due to their culture. I accept this and trust his circumstances are as he says they are although I am not delighted with it if I am honest at his age (mid 30s)

I am studying to get in to retrain in quite a competitive profession and live alone so have my house and garden to keep on top of, as well as my full time paid work and volunteering, exercise and social life and I have a health problem that leaves me fatigued.

DP works full time, 9-5 (not a physical job) and likes to lie in at weekends until 1-3pm. My issue with this is that my place isnt massive and I find it quite demotivating having someone around asleep so late every weekend when I have so much studying to do. I wouldn't mind if it was once in a while, say, after a big night or a particularly exhausting week.

I fully accept the motivation problem lies with me but it is my house.

Would I be completely unreasonable/controlling/ nasty to ask him to be out of bed by say 1130 at the weekend (as I say, I don't mind the occasional epic lie in, or if he was unwell). He can do whatever he wants when he is up I'm not going to hand him a list of jobs!

I just find it hard enough to get everything done as it is and this seems to drag me down.

I understand that if it was his house or we shared, I suppose I'd have no right to ask but as he is here so often and I can't visit his home, I do feel I should have a right to lay some ground rules if something affects me. The alternative would be asking him not to come and I do like having him around.

Please let me know if this is totally unfair of me.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/06/2019 19:05

It's just like he doesn't hear me sometimes. Like, whenever I try to discuss our differences and try to end the relationship, he keeps coming back.

Well he chooses not to hear you OP when it doesn’t suit him.

You just need to be more assertive about ending the relationship.

You’re young you’ve got plenty of time to find someone decent, just don’t waste time on someone who’s not.

DizzySue · 17/06/2019 19:23

Mid 30's...still living with mum, likes to sleep until 3pm. Sorry OP, he sounds useless and boring. Your life would be an absolute drag with him.

Run for the hills!

BlueJag · 17/06/2019 20:53

Get some boundaries at least as clearly you want to continue with the relationship.
Don't be afraid to talk to him about some house rules. I'm sure he doesn't have any at home.
It would get on my nerves to be quiet in my own house until 1-3pm.
Also you have ambition he clearly wants to take it easy.

MrHaroldFry · 17/06/2019 21:26

Stop the bus and let him off at the next stop. At face value (and yes, I realise we only have your half of this tale) this is not likely to end well. Put him out of his misery now and let him sleep in at his Mother's house until 3pm.
You were put on this earth for better things.

dragonway · 17/06/2019 21:34

Why would you put up with this? Yuk. Get yourself somebody more compatible. It’s never going to work is it? Mid 30’s, still with mummy, sleeping in until 3pm! Why would you even want to go there!!!

Cherrysoup · 17/06/2019 22:05

God, he sounds incredibly boring. I’d be very wary, OP. Imagine him trying this on when you have kids!! 😱

deleteandrewind · 17/06/2019 22:16

You are not controlling and you can do so much better.

Living with mummy in his mid 30s is already a bad sign, not introducing you to his family because of 'cultural differences' is a very bad sign and suggests that he will marry within his own culture.

Apart from this he is unambitious and extremely lazy and sounds as if the two of you have little in common.

Get rid!

Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 18/06/2019 00:53

Wow. Took a leap of faith and ended things with DP tonight. Permanantly I think. Feel really guilty but in control. I think the reminders to stick to my own boundaries helped as I wasnt really happy in this relationship and I've reached the end of my tether with the exclusion from his home life. Hope he finds the right woman for him, it just is massively not me.

OP posts:
Lockit · 18/06/2019 01:07

That's really shit!
My ex fiance was like that. Used to roar at me and our children for being the slightest bit vocal at like 11am. Seriously wgat a waste of a day, this was nearly everyday. Horrendous.
He didn't even have a job at all. Horrible, demotivating and yes it brings you down!
I agree with other comments, doesn't seem your compatible.
The idea of him having a lay in at his mums is a good one...
Mind you if he's been up all night giving you a good seeing to then that could be a factor of why he needs loads of rest, if he hasn't then he's just taking the piss darling.
Send him back to Muma if that is where he really lives. I think it's bang out of order you can't visit there! Best of luck. You seem to be worth more x

Lockit · 18/06/2019 01:08

Ahh you replied as I was writing. Well done you xx

gumbyprickle · 18/06/2019 01:40

People saying they would sleep all day if they could etc. That's great, you can do it at your own house.

He will help if I ask him and give him a specific task to do, but would never spontaneously say, load the dishwasher after I had made dinner

God get rid for this. Imagine living with him - you do all the housework, he sleeps half the time. When does he socialise? Do food shopping? Exercise?

gumbyprickle · 18/06/2019 01:41

Oh just saw your update. Good for you op, you can do better!

Whosorrynow · 18/06/2019 01:55

Do you even want him there?

RosaWaiting · 18/06/2019 02:06

Oh thank goodness you ended it! What a waste if space he is.

Now enjoy your freedom!

category12 · 18/06/2019 05:14

Well done. Flowers

Prepare yourself mentally for if he just turns up as if nothing happened, or whatever tactics he's previously used to resume the relationship. He doesn't have to agree, for it to be over.

Skittlesandbeer · 18/06/2019 07:27

This Saturday, put your music up loud and really enjoy your space!

Congrats on separating yourself from this dead weight- his laziness, his commitment-phobia, his interest in only himself.

I bet you feel lighter already!

Teacakeandalatte · 18/06/2019 07:38

I think you did the right thing OP I'm not saying he was a bad person but it sounds like your future goals were a lot different. You want to progress in your career and have a modern marriage where dh and dw are equals and co-parent equally whereas he sounds like he is not that ambitious and he would expect a more old fashioned marriage that fits in with his cultural upbringing.

Original poster
Cheeselover1 · 18/06/2019 07:50

Thanks everyone! MN really is amazing. Woke up feeling 3st lighter.

He just simply did not get it last night. I said that whilst I respected his culture, enough was enough re being kept away from his home life at our ages, given that a previous girlfriend had been made welcome. He replied 'well if it wasnt this, you'd be complaining that I hadn't proposed or that we hadn't got a baby in a few months'... He just did not get it!! (I have never suggested we do either of those two things anytime soon). He even called his mum backwards rather than taking any responsibility.

Discussing lack of conversational engagement was a non starter. He simply did not get it.

Anyway I thanked him for everything (the good stuff) and wished him well. He stormed out.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 07:53

I'm so pleased for you! he really wasn't right for you. Be strong now, as he's wheedled his way back in before when you've ended it.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 18/06/2019 07:58

Ahhhh it’s so satisfying to get to the end of a thread and read this!! Well bloody done! Definitely the right decision. Life is too short!

MrsMozartMkII · 18/06/2019 08:03

Well done the lass!

Onwards to a far more fulfilling life.

BlueJag · 18/06/2019 08:04

I hope the feeling of been in control stays with you as you have asserted your right to be loved and respected.
You have your life together and he was taking advantage as he is a mummy's boy. Calling his mother backwards?????
You are free now. Congratulations you deserve better.

MissBattleaxe · 18/06/2019 08:14

Brilliant decision. You sound interesting and dynamic and he sounds lazy and lacks ambition. The world id your oyster. Best of luck to you!

Tooner · 18/06/2019 08:19

Good for you OP, you deserve so much better.

Littlekittystops · 18/06/2019 08:36

He will never get it. Ever.
What a great decision. Onwards and upwards now!
He will be back for sure, he had a good thing with you, don’t change your mind op. He will probably offer to take you home or some other big offer to get you back, and his layabout weekends at your crash pad.
Think of your future. You are worth so much more than this, a partner that loves your interesting life as much as to do.

Be happy op! And well done - your older self will thank you trust me 😂