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Original poster

New man courting me in weird way?

191 replies

Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 06:19

I met this guy recently who I really like. Sorry to sound like a dreadful wanker but truth be told I'd probably be considered out of his league (sorry, makes me cringe saying it but thought I needed context). I'm significantly younger and attractive, he's broke and not conventionally handsome, but I'm extremely drawn to his 'vagabond, primitive-macho type vibe'.

If you could bear with that obnoxious intro, thank you! We're in a situation where I'm letting him court me. We both know there's an attraction. But yesterday when we were together he kept detailing his huge list of sexual conquests to me which felt to me like a misguided courting strategy. Not sure why he thought that would work because now I'm thinking I don't want to be another 'notch' and he could have an STI :S

has this happened to anyone before? Is there a chance for a decent relationship, not just sex? For context, be spent the whole morning showing me photo albums of his childhood (hours doing it). We're quite close

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/06/2019 06:22

Erm... it'll be about sex and you'll hate yourself in the morning!

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 17/06/2019 06:24

Not sure he sounds like BF material. In fact he definitely doesn't. What a very strange thing to boast about. Any normal person keeps that kind of thing quiet until things have moved on a bit and even then in a discreet way.

There is obviously an attraction between you but don't let that cloud things. Something that you are attracted to now (ie his broke vagabondish ways) are exactly the kind of things that will drive you mad in time.

I wouldn't pursue this at all.

HollySniffs · 17/06/2019 06:33

It is a bit weird but maybe the fact as you say that you are a 'catch' for him made him feel so insecure that he felt the need to prove his (in his eyes) his desirability by reeling off his conquests?

Quite immature for someone who's significantly older too.

Maybe see if it's a one off but if I were you and he kept trying to prove himself like that I'd be massively turned-off!

JoJoSM2 · 17/06/2019 06:34

It sounds like you're looking for an adventure with this vagabond, primitive macho. Surely those aren't the top qualities you'd be looking for in a long-term, committed partner? Maybe he's going with it and just chatting about his conquests/prowess?
Or maybe you're both commitment phobes and hence the weird dynamic?

TemporaryPermanent · 17/06/2019 06:37

If you're close, maybe say to him that you really didn't enjoy hearing all that and it was quite off putting? Ask him about his approach to safe sex?

But certainly I would listen to your gut on this one. if he feels the need now to pull you down a peg and let you know you needn't think a lot of yourself, that's a whole load of misery coming your way in the future.

Skittlesss · 17/06/2019 06:43

How old is he if you’re of the era where people used “courting”? It’s something my mum said back in the 80s.

Nousernameforme · 17/06/2019 06:45

What are you after from this relationship? Do you see yourself having a long term thing? Will you be introducing him to your family? Or are you just wanting fun?

I also think he is feeling the imbalance in the set up and wanted to prove that he was desirable.

Original poster
Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 06:53

That made me lol @Skittlesss the word just slipped out, I've never used it offline!

I'm 28 (not that young but he is 25 years older than me)

To be honest the interest is largely driven by physical attraction. But we've known each other for 15 months and there are tons of wonderful qualities he does have, and while just sex would be great, I'd love a relationship (no kids as I'm unable and have come to terms with that a few years ago).

He's been married once but single for the last decade. He mentioned when we were just friends and he was coming out of a breakup that he just wants to meet a long-term partner, I believe him (all signs point to that).

Not signs either though that he'd consider me a long-term prospect. Since knowing I was attracted to him he's been acting differently ("courting" mode!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 06:56

No signs* sorry typing quickly in between writing marketing emails for children's books!

OP posts:
Happinessbegins · 17/06/2019 06:57

No idea what you are attracted to from your description of him but that’s up to you. It could get complicated if you want more eg he’s broke, older than you etc.

SavoyCabbage · 17/06/2019 06:57

But you aren’t interested in him for his marriageablity, you are after his sexual magnetism so he’s trying to display that to you.

It sounds like you are wanting to use hi. For sex so he’s letting you know that he’s had loads of sex before. He’s going through his CV for you.

Original poster
Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 07:00

I do care about him and want him to know it's more than the sex. I have been there for him as a friend during tough times, and vice versa, how can I get him to tone down the antics and feel confident?
Do I hold off sex and suggest a day date somewhere public?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 17/06/2019 07:01

I would be put off by that. He's trying to impress with his conquests but he's miscalculated. He doesn't sound like a great catch or relationship material.

I had a friend like this when I was in my 20's. I didn't take it any further and there's not a day that I regret that decision. I know I would have felt crap afterwards.

Windmillwhirl · 17/06/2019 07:01

Tell him what you've told us. I tend to agree he was trying to impress you by saying he has all this experience to maybe counter the age gap. Which I have to admit is substantial. He will be a pensioner when you are late 30s. At 46 now that would be an issue for me.

dirtymopbucket · 17/06/2019 07:05

If I were 53 I would probably have doubts about whether a 25 year old was a realistic prospect for a long term relationship.

Stressedttt · 17/06/2019 07:07

Oh . He’s experienced and your falling for it .

You obviously know that you are out of his league , might be ok now but in the longer term , just you knowing that just doesn’t work for most relationships.

Please don’t bother with a relationship he’ll be good at talking a good talk and no matter what you think , yes you will be a notch .

Sorry . Have sex with him if you really have to but I wouldn’t see this as anything long term . Somewhere in your mind you already know that otherwise you wouldn’t be questioning it

BluebonicPlague · 17/06/2019 07:10

Please just read through what you wrote and think how you'd advise someone else.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 17/06/2019 07:10

Shag him if you feel like it but don't expect more.

He sounds like a creep tbh. You will never be happy with a guy like that.

Original poster
Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 07:10

@dirtymopbucket I'm 28* but that's disappointing if true. We do have a lot to talk about and common interests/hobbies.

I do like the mentor type relationship - he has taught me a lot and grown my confidence in several areas.

@Windmillwhirl I think I will be upfront and tell him how I feel. It is a bit off-putting @eddielizzard especially if it's true, but the insecurities/immaturity approaching the issue isn't a deal-breaker for me. He obviously was a wonderful friend/companion before he started trying to prove himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 07:12

@Stressedttt yes other part of me thought that. But if he was such a smoother player, surely he'd know that listing sexual conquests is off-putting??

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 17/06/2019 07:16

OP, it's part of negging. Making you feel insecure so that you crave his love more.

Don't fall for it, it's a classic bullshitter technique.

AlyssasBackRolls · 17/06/2019 07:16

Even when I was flinging myself around OLD where I was explicitly just in it for hook ups I couldn't bear to hear about a blokes past conquests. Just tell him to zip it. You want to feel like the most attractive person in the world even if it's just for a night or two, not like #275

BlackberryBeret · 17/06/2019 07:21

How old is he if you’re of the era where people used “courting”? It’s something my mum said back in the 80s.

1880s more like!

If you are 28 and he is 53 there's a whole pile of other stuff going on here. That is a huge gap and one that crosses a weird dynamic.

25 years might matter less if you were 75 and he was 100 - but even then its massive - but 28 is SO young compared to 53.

I'd just forget it to be honest because you already sound over invested and the chances of you being able to have a no string attached hot fling just for sex are none existent. You will fall in love, he will use you for sex until he gets bored or meets someone closer to him in age he sees a long term future with - you'll get hurt.

MaudebeGonne · 17/06/2019 07:25

this guy may well be good for a bit of fun, but he is in no way, shape or form, long term partner material. You are young and not even at the prime of your life. You have loads of opportunities open to you in terms of travel and study and living an interesting independent life. Please don’t shackle yourself to a middle aged, impoverished commitment phobe, who brags about his conquests like a teenager.

MaudebeGonne · 17/06/2019 07:28

Also, I bet he isn’t even that good at sex, because if he has got to 53 and thinks this is a good way to impress someone, then quite frankly, he knows fuck all about women.