Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man courting me in weird way?

191 replies

Hannah11BobbyPins · 17/06/2019 06:19

I met this guy recently who I really like. Sorry to sound like a dreadful wanker but truth be told I'd probably be considered out of his league (sorry, makes me cringe saying it but thought I needed context). I'm significantly younger and attractive, he's broke and not conventionally handsome, but I'm extremely drawn to his 'vagabond, primitive-macho type vibe'.

If you could bear with that obnoxious intro, thank you! We're in a situation where I'm letting him court me. We both know there's an attraction. But yesterday when we were together he kept detailing his huge list of sexual conquests to me which felt to me like a misguided courting strategy. Not sure why he thought that would work because now I'm thinking I don't want to be another 'notch' and he could have an STI :S

has this happened to anyone before? Is there a chance for a decent relationship, not just sex? For context, be spent the whole morning showing me photo albums of his childhood (hours doing it). We're quite close

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 17/06/2019 07:33

I'm extremely drawn to his 'vagabond, primitive-macho type vibe'.

I used to have a friend like that. He was so much fun as a friend, but broke so many hearts. I don't think the vagabond thing works together with tying them down. They might want to, my friend was engaged to one and married another, but it doesn't work if you want to live in one place and have children, a career and stability. My friend married another vagabond, they're now both broke, too old and flaky for children and live in different countries every three years. They are happy, but is that the life that you want?

dirtymopbucket · 17/06/2019 07:33

Sorry, yes. 28.

Just imagine being a 53 year old woman and there's a 28 year old hotty that you've been unofficially mentoring at work and now he seems romantically interested. Does he just want a shag? Does he want a relationship? If he wants a relationship, is he really mature enough to to commit to the sort of relationship you'd want? And why on earth would you want a relationship with an old crone like you? Maybe you're just fodder for his Mrs Robinson fantasies?

My point is that he's probably quite confused too.

Or he might just be a weirdo creep, of course.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 17/06/2019 07:43

Hills. That way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jenasaurus · 17/06/2019 07:49

Have a passionate fling with him. Get it out of your system this isn’t for keeps. It’s a physical attraction thing by the sounds of it so if you feel like it have some fun (but be safe) I wouldn’t hope for more though He’s been single for 10 years I expect he likes it that way

Loopytiles · 17/06/2019 07:50

He sounds like a loser.

Stressedttt · 17/06/2019 07:56

*@Hannah11BobbyPins

Yes it IS off putting for a man to list his conquests .

But he’s getting confident that he’s got you where he wants you , and one day, if you let this carry on , you are going to be another person on the list that he brags about.

I knew someone like this,bragging , moving from woman to woman . Definitely not relationship material and just for the fact that he’s listing his notches suggests he has very little respect for women.

oldmum22 · 17/06/2019 07:57

Just don't bother, you will feel shit in the morning and years later will be mortified that you did it . Voice of experience

ThisIsACloselyGuardedSecret · 17/06/2019 07:59

Oh, OP I recognise this. I've had all sorts of attractions to inappropriate men over the years - largely because I was incapable of a long term relationsip, however much I wanted one, so I used to have dalliances that were doomed to fail with entirely inappropriate men. Total commitmentphobe.

He is signalling to you that he is sexually available and 'effective'. Which he might suspect is a concern of yours given his age.

The only time I had a man be so overtly open about his sexual experiences was with a man 21 years my junior (I was 43 at the time) who was equally trying to show me that the age difference wouldn't matter in terms of sex.

He and I never did take it any further (he hadn't realised just how much older I was Blush ) but it would never have been anything more than just sex.

Get it out of your system and shag him if you like but don't be under any illusions that this will be a relationship. Remember all the things you find so alluring about him now will be the things that put you off him in years months to come.

jarviscockerslover · 17/06/2019 08:00

I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I love your turn of phrase
'misguided courting strategy'..
It's sums up so many of my ex boyfriends beautifully!!

Donneytrumpgal · 17/06/2019 08:02

He’s not courting you, he’s starting his mating ritual! He doesn’t see you as LTR material and is giving you lots of “I’m so virile” because you’re so much younger and he things that’s what you’re looking for.

barryfromclareisfit · 17/06/2019 08:02

He’s telling you
a) He can fuck ( he’s not too old)
b) Women want him (so you should, too)
c) He’s not into settling down
And, by talking about sex, he hopes he’s making you think about having sex with him.
I recall one similar eventually telling me he ‘liked smacking girls bottoms’ and wishfully asking me what I liked to do in bed.
The thought of the possible STIs put me off.
Oh, and whilst you probably could make him your boyfriend, it wouldn’t change his habits.

joystir59 · 17/06/2019 08:10

Talking about sex in the hope of turning you on to sex with him. It's a ploy that seems to be working OP as you are thinking about sex with him. He isn't a keeper.

TanMateix · 17/06/2019 08:13

Frankly, I think you know how bad he is but are getting attached because you know you shouldn’t have him.

Stay in your league dear or near to it, but not as far as this. He is old, unsettled and not good for you, the bad thing of dating someone who is not near an equal is that the moment they realise you love them they start treating you like dirt, simply because they cannot believe you are with someone like them, therefore they immediately assume that there is something very wrong with you and try to pull you down to be above you. I think telling you about his notches is a very clear indication that this bad behaviour has already started, next he will be telling you the girl at xyz who is much prettier than you is flirting with him.

28 and 53 doesn’t sound too bad but it is as you get older. I had a LTR with a man 12 years older than I and although it was ok in my early 40s it simply wasn’t at the time he chose to retire. He wanted to live abroad and travel, I still had a kid in school. Our incomes and savings were completely different so although I was struggling to catch up with him, he still felt I was pulling him back. But my main fear was that although he wanted to spend his retirement active mine was going to be very different, as by the time I retired he would be 80 so I would go from being the carer of a child to be the carer of an elderly person.

AnotherNightWatering · 17/06/2019 08:14

he spent the whole morning showing me photo albums of his childhood (hours doing it
Besides anything else, that would put me off! I hope he would listen to you spending so long showing him your old photos...

TanMateix · 17/06/2019 08:16

PS. And don’t you go by thinking you have managed to attract someone especial, OLD is full of fifty or even sixty somethings praying on young girls like you, so don’t be the silly one that falls for it.

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/06/2019 08:17

He sounds like a complete loser. To be broke at 53 is not a good sign OP. It is not about the money. It is about what that says about his life skills. "Vagabond primitive macho'???? Screams maturity problems. Listing his conquests? Tells you about misogyny.

Maya Angelou: When people tell you who they are, believe them. The first time.
If you were my DD I would be very unhappy.

What is the attraction, really? You said yourself, you are out of his league. You are ignoring a lot of information! Why waste your youth on this?

Ragwort · 17/06/2019 08:18

Walk away with your dignity, he is doing the classic older man ritual, he’s just looking for a younger woman to have sex with. Don’t fall for his ‘flattery’. Hmm. What decent man (or woman) talks about their sex life?

AlyssasBackRolls · 17/06/2019 08:20

I agree there are tons of dirty old men preying on young girls on OLD and how they love going on about it! Part of its a generation thing where they're used to calling the shots and being listened to without having to be particularly sensitive. The stories I could tell if I hadn't used the mind bleach...

zippey · 17/06/2019 08:24

I think you need to accept this won’t be a long lasting g relationship and see how it goes if your happy with that.

Vagabond reminds me of the song of The Wanderer - “...sort of guy who will never settle down”.

MitziK · 17/06/2019 08:28

You'd be the next conquest he'd be bragging about 'I had a 28 year old'.

LuluJakey1 · 17/06/2019 08:34

Get a grip. It all sounds pathetic.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 17/06/2019 08:36

The way you describe him makes him sound like he has poor personal hygene. Does he?

Shag him him if you want to. I t will be a funny story to tell your friends.

Pinkmonkeybird · 17/06/2019 08:37

Yes, the old vagabond primative macho-type...I've been there. He's now mid-40s and is very immature emotionally. I'd never go for that type again. They might be ruggedly handsome and great at sex, but not relationship material at all. I'd steer well clear.

Preggosaurus9 · 17/06/2019 08:39

This is just grim. I wonder how much of the attraction is transference because of his position as a mentor/authority? If he didn't have any of that and was e.g. a bin man would you still fancy a go on him? No offence to bin men just trying to help you unpick how your brain has got you into this weird and deeply creepy situation.

ginghamtablecloths · 17/06/2019 08:41

You could well end up being just another experience for him, sounds like he's 'collecting the set' IYSWIM. If you're looking for a proper long-term relationship I don't think you'd get it with this guy but I could be wrong. The difficulty is that Mr Exciting is very appealing. Take your time so that you know what you're letting yourself in for.