Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

Your friends are right.

He has no respect for your boundaries, is love-bombing you and then gets angry when you voice perfectly reasonable objections to his behaviour.

Ditch this guy and run, fast.

Hmm based on what you've said, I'd be very wary

He’s beginning to sound controlling. It’s too much too soon. Tell him you need to slow down. If he truly likes you he will respect this and back off. If he gets pushy - that’s a huge red flag right there.

The worrying bit is not his generosity but his reaction to your boundaries. You specifically said you didn't want him to meet your DC so he turns up with an inappropriately massive gift. I would be furious!

Gifts and holidays are nice but when you say he's moving too fast, the correct response would be to listen to you and slow things down a little. Not start emotionally blackmailing you.

Turning up at your door with cupcakes for your dc, when you had specifically said you weren't ready for them to meet, on that alone I would dump him. Add in all the rest and you have a whole string of red flags waving brightly at you.

No they are right, 10 weeks is nothing, too much too soon.

I was on the fence until I got to his reaction when you challenged him about turning up with cupcakes. You pointed out he'd trashed your boundaries and he was entirely dismissive. A good 'un would've been apologetic: "you're right, I was caught up in helping you out but you have said you don't want me meeting DC yet so I shouldn't have come." Instead he tries to make out it's your problem??

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>

Your friends are right.

It’s not the speed at which he wants to take it, it’s the fact he’s not listening to what you want and he’s stomping right over your boundaries - blaming your marriage etc.

All that would be bad enough if you were single, but any bloke doing that when it involves your kids should be ditched immediately. He’s so fucking self centred he didn’t care what it would do to your kids having him turn up like that. Or how it could cause problems with your DC trusting you etc.

He’d never see me again. Seriously.

He wants a nanny....

The fact that he ignored your wishes with your dcs would be it for me. You can't let him think his needs and desires are more important than your dcs and your need to protect them.

How are you managing to see him every day when you have dcs? That's very intense!

Not every generous man is love bombing. There are plenty of men that truly believe gifts, and expensive ones at that, are the way to a woman's heart.

He ignores your very reasonable boundaries and then tells you that you have issues from your marraige break up! WTF? It's been 10 weeks and he's telling you your boundaries and feelings are irrelevant to him.

Talking marraige in the next 6 months after 10 weeks! Another WTF? Even talking about love after 10 weeks is way too fast. Let alone silencing you if you disagree with him by getting upset and saying you don't love him. You're not supposed to love him after 10 fregging weeks. You hardly know him!! He hardly knows you. You have a dc, shouldn't be integrating him into your family, let alone discussing marraige.

You're not being cynical enough!! Bet he tells you what a nice guy he is too! He seems to think his generosity buys him the right to dismiss your boundaries and feelings.

I'm voting with your friends!!

I’ve never heard of Lola’s cupcakes, I live in stoke in Trent , I’ve never seen them here. I’m guessing there expensive? I had an ex like this, constantly pushing to see my child, relishing me with love. A few months later he totally ghosted me, I was stupidly heart broken. I’d say be very careful, they seem to drop you as quickly as they declared love x

I feel exactly like my boundaries have just been ignored completley....I have asked him for some space because I’m really hurt that he just turned up...yes, intentions may have been good but god who just turns up like that unannounced?

He’s been extremely apologetic, he’s sent gifts to my workplace everyday which is again something I’m really uncomfortable with, it’s just too much...

The thing is I think he’d be really good with my DC.....he was excited to meet them and said when the time was right he’d love to come away with us all on a family holiday...:none of the other men I’ve dated have really even acknowledged I had DC so this was a big tick for me....

Now this will sound ridiculous but I feel a bit distraught about all of this and the prospect I’ll have to dump him...:I feel like I’ve become very attached.....it’s silly because it’s only been 10 weeks but we seem to have done so much in that time....my ex-husband is great with our DC and has them 3/4 weekends as he works away through the week so i have a lot of free time over the weekend and we’ve been on quite a few short weekend breaks which have been really great.....

Would I be a really bad mom if I saw him again and gave him one last chance? Keeping him away from my DC obviously.

Yeah all the rushing is usually when someone is love with an idea of you. Be careful.

OP even when you (quite rightly) asked for some space, he bombarded you with gifts daily. He seems to think he can buy your boundaries off.

We work 5 minutes apart and try and have a coffee during lunch time...he sometimes comes to meet me at my tube and we travel in together or home as he’s only two stops away from me....then I see him 3 out of 4 weekends....

It had been very intense....lots of messaging and calls but I’ve really enjoyed that’s because he seems genuinely interested in me and how my day is going....

Yes I think the cupcakes are about £4 a pop so I’d say he spent a fair bit but it’s not the point really....it’s the fact he came to my home when my DC were there, he knows how I feel about that...

See him if you want but if someone sent me gifts to work every day, I would be googling restraining order not marriage!

I think you need to take a very deep breath and reset your boundaries. This is love bombing of the absolute highest order and every single red flag is waving. It's v hard to walk away from a love bomber as it feels so fantastic so just be very very careful.

Even trying to apologise he’s doing things that, in your own words, you are uncomfortable with and you’re asking if you should give him another chance? Seriously? Listen to your friends.

So you ask for space and once again he ignores you by sending gifts - plural! - to your work!! So fuck to your boundaries again!

You have no idea if he'd be good with your dc. But you do know he's manipulative (all the you don't love me crap when you try to assert your needs is manipulation 101). So pretending to be all child and family orientated may (probably is!) a deliberate ploy to hook you in.

You set boundaries, he crossed them. You gave him another chance, set new boundaries, he crossed them AGAIN. Now you want to give him a another chance? What makes you think he'll respect your needs a third time?

I'd be freaked out by a man desperate to be integrated into family holidays after 10 weeks and not even having meet the dc yet! What about the dc's boundaries. Is he going to force his step dad act on them in super fast time too?

He sounds like an absolute pain in the arse.
I’d bin him off. If this is him in the honeymoon/best behaviour stage, I’d hate to see how he is a few months down the line.

If you are happy that he trampled YOUR boundaries fine ..... but he trampled your children’s boundaries - and what you have decided as a mother - that is totally OOO.

And then he is vacillating between grump and love - bomber.

All wrong

This is all way too intense, OP, which is your gut feeling if you're honest.

Stop playing with fire!

You need to be running very quickly away from this man. He has no interest whatsoever in your needs and wants only what he wants. He's ignored everything you've said, all the boundaries you've tried to set up, and has been annoyed with you when you haven't gone along with what he wants.

Your friends are right, get rid of this man before he tramples all over you.

Way too much too soon. The gifts, holidays and talking about long term commitment after such a short time are red flags for me.

The cupcake thing is a dealbreaker. He deliberately defied your wishes in a way that is hard for you to call him out on because he was doing a 'nice' thing. This was not an accident this was a calculated way to force an introduction to your children when you have explicitly said you're not ready for that.

He has no respect for your wishes and I'd be ending it immediately.