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Original poster

Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

365 replies

Strawberryblondereally · 15/06/2019 18:56

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/06/2019 19:38

Also him getting upset when you don't want to marry this year (this year!!) is just horrible. So manipulative.

He's wormed his way into every aspect of your life pretty well, though! Clever man!

HisBetterHalf · 15/06/2019 19:38

How did he announce himself to DC when he arrived at the door?

category12 · 15/06/2019 19:39

Crikey OP

when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown
If he'd apologised and been remorseful about whooshing straight past your boundaries, then that would be one thing - but instead, he turned it round on you and made out there is something wrong with you. And he's still not taking heed by sending stuff to your work - how embarrassing.

You really need to give your head a wobble. He's lovebombing you and this intensity and sweeping you off your feet bodes ill for the future.

Piggle23 · 15/06/2019 19:39

I missed that it. Married this year? How can he know that? What's his background op, has he recently split or anything like that?

OldAndWornOut · 15/06/2019 19:40

Definite red flags flying, the trouble is, if you ignore them as its so, so tempting to do, then you start to gradually erode your own self and values.

ChristmasFluff · 15/06/2019 19:41

He has no respect for you, as others have delineated so well.

You either have respect for yourself and end it. Or you end up in an abusive relationship, where ignoring your views on cupcakes and meeting your children is the least of your worries.

He is vile.

TheSheepofWallSt · 15/06/2019 19:42

Run.

category12 · 15/06/2019 19:43

And the getting upset and accusing you of not loving him when you're trying to be sensible and take your time - you both have dc FGS.

Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?
CarolsBiggestFan · 15/06/2019 19:50

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs

This is the real concern here, that fact that you think you’re attuned to the signs and you think you have boundaries.

You’re not and you don’t.

10 weeks of dating and you’re calling him your DP?

You presumably have told him you love him... “he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him” and you have completely ignored all of your friends who are concerned about all the red flags.

This is like the Netflix series Dirty John at a slightly slower pace. Everyone you know looking on in horror and wondering how you can be so willingly blind.

Don’t go to Vegas with him ffs, by the sounds of it you’d sleepwalk into marriage.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 15/06/2019 19:51

Are you sure he has dc?

supersop60 · 15/06/2019 19:53

Too much too soon.
I had an ex who would love bomb me (red rose every Friday, wherever I was, for example)
However, he never washed up or made me a cup of tea when I travelled 2 hours to visit him. And somehow I was in the wrong for complaining.
Red flags OP.

CarolsBiggestFan · 15/06/2019 19:57

In fact the keenness around meeting your DC and wanting a family holiday is actually fucking creepy.

Original poster
Strawberryblondereally · 15/06/2019 20:00

Yes quite sure he has DC...they are on his social media and I’ve been present when they’ve called....they are adults....

He’s had a few gfs but he’s not really spoken about them....normal I thought? He divorced from his wife 4 years ago....

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 15/06/2019 20:00

He crosses your boundaries.
He's buying your affection (which seems to be working).
He's pushing things along way too fast.

YUCK! Don't be flattered. You are being manipulated.

WelshDad78 · 15/06/2019 20:03

From a guys perspective I'd agree with the posts above.

Can totally understand him bringing the cup cakes round in so far as I'd be tempted to do something nice/generous and, in eagerness to do something nice, neglect to consider the boundry like a bumbling (though well meaning) idiot.

The point at which the red flag comes up is where you've tried to reinforce the boundry and and, instead of going 'oops, yes, sorry, I should have realised - my apologies' and shown some humility around the mistake, hes turned it back on you as though the problem is yours.

Which... isn't a particularly nice way to behave if it was a genuine misguided mistake.

I'd have apologies profusely, backed off and respected the line in the sand, as it were.

Loveislandaddict · 15/06/2019 20:07

buying the cupcakes could be considered to be a considerate act, and he may have just mis-read the situation. He was just trying to help, however you considered it crossing the boundary (48 cakes! -how many people at the party?).

However, it’s the final paragraph that sets alarm bells ringing.. ie
Wanting to move in and marry, and then having a strop when you say it’s too soon. You’ve been going out ten weeks! Ten weeks is not even three months. One school term!

Love bombing is flattering, but there are red flags everywhere.

Ncusername · 15/06/2019 20:13

Christ, OP, run for the hills.

Look back over the messages here, esp Carol'sBiggestFan. There's a reason you're on here asking for opinions, even though I suspect you were hoping we'd all say 'don't worry, love, he sounds like a keeper'.

He's definitely not. Please find the strength to walk away, hard as it may be. At best he's a controlling nightmare, at worst his behaviour sounds positively stalker-ish. Sorry.

Michaelbaubles · 15/06/2019 20:15

Are we missing that he spent £200 on cupcakes for a DC he hasn’t even met? Bringing along a Colin the Caterpiller might be seen as a considerate but clumsy gesture, this is deliberately over extravagant and showy. I don’t even spend £200 on cakes for my own DC. Red flags by the mile here.

NomDeQwerty · 15/06/2019 20:15

He sounds creepy.

BettysLeftTentacle · 15/06/2019 20:17

He’s love bombing you OP and he’s already started turning the worm to accusing you of not loving him and being accusatory and defensive when you confronted him. It’ll get worse and worse until there’s no love bombing left, just control and manipulation. Get away now before he hooks you completely.

thesunwillout · 15/06/2019 20:19

If a bloke turned up at my house and my kids had no idea who he was I would be very fucking angry.

He stepped over their boundaries too, no WAY would I forgive that.

feelingsinister · 15/06/2019 20:21

It's not considerate or a clumsy gesture to turn up at your girlfriend's house when you have been explicitly told that she is not ready to introduce you to her children.

Mummacake · 15/06/2019 20:49

The fact you're asking the question in here means that deep down you know that these are massive red flags. He's disrespected & trampled on your boundaries, forced a meeting with your DC & wants a happy ever after - you've attempted to challenge him & he's tried to gaslight you. Are you seriously considering getting deeper into this? As others have said, he'll no doubt doing the step dad routine & imposing his rules ignoring your boundaries and those of your dc. I don't wish to sound harsh OP, but at what point do you put your DC first?

another20 · 15/06/2019 21:23

Love bombing is abuse - it is a deliberate act to artificially accelerate a relationship to the point where it has you trapped (smitten / in love) - so that he is finally totally in control.

PositiveVibez · 15/06/2019 21:39

If your friends (who you have probably known for years) are telling you that there are danger signs with this man, and you are ignoring them, what advice do you want off people who don't know you?

Nobody is going to tell you he sounds wonderful, because he doesn't. He sounds like a fucking creep.

So your friends are telling you this. Strangers off the Internet are telling you this. Are you going to approach another type of medium until you get the response you want?

Open your eyes. This man is holding more red flags than a commie at a flag holding competition!