Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

Oh wow OP. Your last post is the equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and going LALALALALALA.

I wish you luck and we'll see you back on the boards in a few months when you are in so deep that you wished you would have trusted your instincts.

As a PP said, this sounds like Dirty John all over.

'dont narcs have no awareness of their bad actions'

They are very aware of their actions. The difference is they dont care how their actions impact you or anyone else. They can pretend to care and say all of the right things to make this appear genuine, but you need to watch how he acts not what he says. He is acting like a creepy controlling dick

He was going to ring the doorbell and run away? That's even more creepy!

OP you are being very naive. I suspect you just don't want to lose the weekends away and all the gifts he buys you.
You've been together 10 weeks and you've been on a few weekends away already?
He turned up at your door on purpose. If he was just trying to do you a favour he would have phoned or text to make sure you answered to door.

Of course you don’t love him just 10 weeks in, you don’t KNOW him after 10 weeks, let alone love him.

Call me a cynic, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be cutting you off from friends very soon....”what do you mean you’re going out for lunch, we always meet at lunchtime”

You say his kids are scattered about. Just out of interest, what is their relationship like with them?

Please listen to @lockcodger.

Tactic 1, twisting his boundary ignoring back on you, didn't work so he's brought out tactic 2, blaming his previous heartbreak on making him defensive thus making you feel sorry for him, and tactic 3, bigging up his 'desire' to be part of something bigger like your family so tugging on your desire to find a family man. He's bloody good at this, I'll give him that. Faster than most lovebombing manipulaters, but he seems to be a very skilled one.

Betting tactic 4 is to get you to spend all your spare time with him because he needs to be with you because what you two have is sooooo special so ad to isolate you from your friends and family is next. Oh wait, he's already started that one.

Well it's obvious you're not going to take on all the advice given and especially since you have some really good friends there looking out for you but you've ignored them as well

Good luck to you OP, I couldn't forgive someone doing that to my children alone let alone everything else

"I would be googling restraining order not marriage! " this!

Way too much, too intense, too soon!

10 weeks! You barely know each other!

And frankly as a csa survivor his interest in meeting your DC is ringing MAJOR alarm bells!

At best he think ingratiating himself with your kids will hook you into him more.

When is he seeing HIS kids if he's seeing you so much and going on weekends away etc? Is he even allowed to see his kids?

"and I’ve been present when they’ve called....they are adults...." That proves nothing could be anyone calling, hell in this day and age entirely possible this is an app set up or something.

"and the last relationship ended quite badly" exactly what did he say?

"He said he just wants to be part of a family....wants to fee part of something bigger.....his DC are scattered across the world so he doesn’t get to see them much....but my kids aren’t his nor will they ever be...." So he's not really got a family of his own and is trying to buy yours?! WHY are his kids so far away from him? That's a possible cause for concern too. Or is he lying about this so when you're at the point of introducing each other to kids it's easy for him to say meeting his is "too difficult" ?

"He said he realises that he’s been way over the top with it all and he allowed his romantic notions to take over....he said he doesn’t want to marry me anytime soon because we need to get to know one another properly....is keen to properly meet my DC when the time is right and is willing to be patient" he knows you're one step away from dumping and why so is saying what you want to hear.

"Don’t narcs have no awareness of their bad actions?" No they have awareness that people don't like their bad actions, they just don't agree that the actions are bad. They're master manipulators, the ultimate con artists.

At the very least I'd advise Clare's law AND Sarah's law checks on this guy.

DO NOT let him near your kids, frankly it's worrying he felt remotely ok just turning up to your home that way!!

So if you were to discover that the cupcakes were not on offer, meaning he lied, what would you do?

Sounds like a love bomber to me, marking place to read later.

If nothing else OP, please watch this video

aFTER REading the thread I agree with the poster 'carol' who said that you think you have boundaries but you don't. This was me when I started internet dating, about 7 years ago now! So I'm in no place to judge. I was love bombed twice to be honest. Love bombed and dumped by men I later realised were just Vacuums. They dumped me not when they got to know me and saw something they didn't like, but rather, when I got to know them.

I thought I knew it all in theory after years of reading threads on mumsnet, articles psycholodgy today and abuse experts on youtube and reading books such as ''why does he do that'' and ''the human magnet syndrome'' and ''attachment'' and ''mr unavailable and the fall back girl''.

So I thought I knew it all but it was in theory. I had to go through a couple of years of internet dating to learn it all in practice too.

It's a shame that learning it once isn't enough. But I guess you can learn all of this in theory and nod and agree but then some individual comes along and you feel obliged (red flag) to make an allowance or you feel you'd be too cold (red flag) to withdraw from a relationship. So the decision to withdraw has to come not from a theoretic manual but from the standard within, it has to come from your inner citadel. YKWIM?

That's some heavy love bombing, in 10 weeks he's crossed your clear boundaries.
You're ignoring your instincts. You don't need anyone on here to tell you, you know this is off.
Take a step back and see how he deals with that.

Of course you don't have to take advice from strangers on the internet so that's your call but ffs op he's stitching you up here and you're falling for it.
He has managed to turn this around to 'poor me' to get you to feel sorry for him and relent. Please if you do nothing else - please go and get him checked out under Claire's law (may be different where you live) to see if he's got any relevant history.
Look at it this way as well ime - genuine men who have been treat badly in the past tend to me more cautious when starting a new relationship. He has not not shown you this - he's rushing headlong, manipulating you and as i said before, pissing all over your boundaries. a mere 10 WEEKS IN op!

Hi Op,

I can only write from my own experience. End of a long marriage and met someone OLD. All the same things … he said he loved me from the moment he set eyes on me. Flowers, holidays and gifts, declarations of undying love and 'it didn't matter if I didn't love him yet' as he had enough love for both of us until I did. LDR and wanted to see me every weekend and would sulk if he couldn't - was prepared to drive for hours to see me, so I couldn't really have an excuse not to see him …. when I introduced him to my friends he was very quiet and would bring up anything that was discussed that he didn't like, i.e stuff about my ex about when we were together - endless questioning to the point where I asked friends not to talk about certain things (the link that Attila sent you is so reflective of this). I started leaving out things that happened during the week as he would question me endlessly. I did finish with him but he begged and begged and I gave him another chance. He talked about living together and marriage all the time which made me uncomfortable, but if I told him that, he backed right off. 'Didn't mean to come on too strong but he'd never been in love like this before' … got very sad and moody. I had flowers every week, anything I mentioned that I'd seen and liked, he bought me. It was a nice but strange thing to be with someone that was so mad about me …. I let it go on for far too long. Culminated in a holiday where he started drinking and went back through all my old facebook posts about my ex and completely lost it. Verbally abused me and turned into a monster. I was so scared. Anyway, I've finished with him now and blocked him on all my social media and text but I've had begging letters and too many flowers to cope with. If he doesn't stop soon I'll have to do something about it, maybe talk to the police.

I was where you are now - boundaries massively disrespected and if I protested it was because I was obviously damaged by my ex (not true btw).

If you give him another chance - be careful, when you eventually finish it - you will as it's impossible to live with the intensity and control - he may turn into someone you wish you had never met

Good luck

Even if he didn't think your DC would answer the door, how does he think you would have explained away someone delivering a load of posh cupcakes? And who goes to Selfriges to buy Ben and Jerry's? He's full of BS but you don't want to see it because what he's doing feels good for now. Sorry but you're putting our own wants over the the safety of your DCs.

More fool you OP. You were already trying to make excuses and ignore it all in previous posts. Your latest one makes me want to hit my head against the wall.

Oh and just to use the classic but utterly true phrase, when someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time.

The whole just wanting to be part of a family rings really oddly considering he’s got adult children and therefore has presumably experienced family life with kids.

And yea, narcs are extremely aware of their bad behaviour and how to try different responses to keep reeling you in. They’ll keep doing that, while also pushing against your boundaries over and over again - a new excuse why each time - oh I forget, oh I was thoughtless, oh you’re being over sensitive, oh I just got carried away, oh I just love you so much...

Until your boundaries are non-existent. At which point the ‘real’ fun will begin.

I wish my mum had had a chance to post on somewhere like here many years ago. This is how it started with my stepdad. He was a horrible controlling man that started out like this and isolated us from everyone we loved. Don't do that to your kids. I am still messed up from it all over 20 years later.

Love bombing didn't work
Turning it back on you didn't work
Now he's sorry and acting the victim, making you feel sorry for him and you're falling for it.
This is just another tactic. He is not a good man.

OP, please don't fall for this. This is 10 weeks. Less than 3 months. You hardly know him. You are giving him too many chances, and you're getting hooked in, your responses make that clear. I'm worried for you and your children.

Yeah, red flags.

Don't ignore your instincts.

If he was a good'un he'd respect your point of view and need to take things slower. If he doesn't, he's not a good un

It used to be like this with my ex - fact is I didn't want grand gestures and martyrdom, all I wanted was NORMAL BEHAVIOUR. If something doesn't feel right, it's not right.

I read once that when dating as a single mother you should be very wary of men who seem so interested in meeting your children so early on.

There’s zero need - he needs to get to know YOU - it’s YOU he should be interested in. Your child has a father and an involved and good one by the sounds of it. He should only be asking after her politely, kindly and sympathetically.

They have zero relationship at this stage.

When the time comes you introduce someone to your children the relationship should go at the child’s pace and I’d be concerned at any man looking to ‘father’ my children from so early on.

I’m not saying he’s an abuser, but his motivations are not clear and therefore I’d be very guarded if I continued to see him.

Personally it sounds like he's grooming you to get to your kids.