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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

365 replies

Strawberryblondereally · 15/06/2019 18:56

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 15/06/2019 22:03

Meeting the kids is something that should be handled very carefully and the parent should be the one totally in charge, not the other party. Turing up unannounced is completely unacceptable.

birthdaymayhem · 15/06/2019 22:12

Honestly op...

Hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Loveislandaddict · 15/06/2019 22:31

48 cupcakes price

Out of curiosity, just went on to Lola website to see how much 48 Lola cupcakes would cost.

I chose the classic selection, and it came to £157! Not sure if there is delivery on top of that.

Maybe in Kensington you would pay £157 on a child you have never met, and who’s mum you started dating ten weeks ago, but in my neck of the wood, it would be a quick visit to Tesco.

Michaelbaubles makes a good point above!

CaptainJaneway62 · 15/06/2019 22:35

Yep definitely loads of red flags.

tribpot · 15/06/2019 23:02

The sending of gifts every day to your office is severely creeping me out. It's so intentionally public, people must be asking you WTF is with all this mail. It's not about you, it's all about him. Same as trampling over your boundaries with your kids, same as getting upset that you don't want to get married this year. This year! It's already June.

He's really not your DP. He's a guy you've been dating and who you barely know.

Run for the hills.

pickletickled · 15/06/2019 23:03

Too many red flags before the cupcakes/dc situation but that for me would have killed it! He basically pissed on your boundaries and then had the nerve to blame you when you got upset about it.
He is not a keeper op. He is definitely attempting to 'love bomb' and manipulate you.
Please listen your friends, who know you, and know you better than what we strangers do, before it's too late.

justasking111 · 15/06/2019 23:07

Oh this would freak me out. If he refuses to cool it I would do a runner.

AnnaNimmity · 15/06/2019 23:09

he's love bombing you for sure. All the contact, gifts, talking about marriage, family holidays etc. Admissions of love. It sounds so similar to what I went through.

Listen to your friends - they will know. I was in the same situation, and didn't listen to mine. They just thought my boyfriend was creepy and slimy. I thought he was lovely.

And yes, turning up when you asked him not to. And then blaming you? He has no respect for your boundaries at all.

Mythologies · 15/06/2019 23:10

He has invaded your safe home space without asking and also regularly invades your work (the work you need to survive) by sending presents to your place of work.
Just no

Mythologies · 15/06/2019 23:12

Oh and blaming YOU for HIS unacceptable behaviour and trying to gaslight you
again
just no

CookieDeal · 15/06/2019 23:19

Urgh even the being keen to do a ‘family’ holiday so soon would have me running...it’s not normal to want to ingratiate yourself into children’s lives that quickly. No one who is healthy or really respects the children wants to do that.

And that’s before all the other significantly creepy and boundary crossing events.

rvby · 15/06/2019 23:20

Christ almighty op, you need to RUN.

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 23:45

OP, if you must proceed, do so with a great deal of caution. The part that concerns me is that after you confronted him about showing up at your house, is that he didn't see his mistake and turned it around on you.

I feel this is likely to turn into an abusive relationship and as others have mentioned, you are being love bombed. Sending daily gifts to your work is way over the top. You don't need declarations of love and OTT gifts, you need basic decency and humility to accept he's made a mistake and assurances he won't do it again. I doubt you'll get that.

I dated someone like that who came on really strong at the start of the relationship in similar sorts of ways (love bombing), it creeped me out, he didn't listen to my concerns either. I didn't stay in it long but it didn't end well at all.

Sally2791 · 16/06/2019 06:49

Run away from this one fast. He won't change, he'll very quickly find someone else to do the same things to,until he gets what he wants-someone who submits to his control. The gifts do not equal love. Love is listening to and respecting your partner. My ex H did this to me (not so extravagant because he was mean )and now he's doing the same with his new woman, and trying to drag our dcs into his new relationship too soon. Leave now, and don't look back

WMPAGL · 16/06/2019 07:43

Another vote for creepy, here OP.

10 weeks in and he wants to move in, marry you, get involved with your children, go on family holidays with your children, mark his territory at your workplace and emotionally manipulate you with "you don't love me" when you ask him not to show up at your house unannounced and express concerns about the speed of travel?

How old are your DC, OP?

Quite apart from what's right for you, honestly, my worries would be:

  1. At absolute best he is living out some grand romantic fantasy in his head without regard for you or you DC as actual people. It seems that this guy is generally clingy and controlling to the point of unstable (and therefore a potential risk to your children)
  1. At absolute worst he is actively trying to get to your children through you for some unsavoury purpose. The last one is of course an outlier and I'm sure some would accuse me of paranoia for the thought even crossing my mind but unfortunately it does happen occasionally.

Either way, or anything in between, I have the creeps just from reading your posts and would like to think I would flee for the hills. Easier to say when I'm not the target of all these dubious grand gestures, and from behind a computer, I know, but if all your RL friends are saying the same thing, have a care!

Aussiebean · 16/06/2019 07:55

Just to be clear.

10 weeks is 2 and a half months.

2 and a half months.

In that he love bombed you, made you feel bad for not loving him and pushed you boundaries down.

In 2 and a half months.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2019 08:16

This man has well and truly love bombed you and has more red flags about him that a Communist Party Committee Meeting. You were targeted by this person as well, of that I have no doubt whatsoever.

He is in these pages:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Please also consider enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/06/2019 08:43

He definitely sounds creepy, needy, intense and clingy. And he has zero respect for your needs.

Run and don't look back

pinkyredrose · 16/06/2019 08:50

It's not you it's him. Do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you?

ThanosSavedMe · 16/06/2019 08:57

I agree with your friends. Far too much too soon. And surely he’s a boyfriend rather than partner at this stage

megrichardson · 16/06/2019 09:06

Sorry Op I am agreeing with everyone else. You don't know anything about him, his background, his history. You need to call a halt to this.

SouthernComforts · 16/06/2019 09:10

This reminds me of Dirty John. This guy is deliberately pushing your boundaries. A normal guy would have phoned and said X shop has cupcakes available, do you want me to grab some and I'll phone when I'm outside? Or just stayed out of it altogether, it's been 10 weeks ffs.

benevolentassassin · 16/06/2019 09:14

A few point by of concern:

  1. It sounds like he’s been love bombing you. This can’t last and usually gives way to anger and frustration because you “don’t appreciate” him. (Not him specifically - talking about any love bomber here - it’s a pattern).
  1. He ignored your boundaries.
  1. When you told him you were unhappy about him ignoring your boundaries he made it seem like your problem. It is not your problem. You get to choose boundaries and insist that they are not crossed.
  1. He is now trying to buy you back with gifts. Note that he isn’t trying to get you back by considering your feelings, acknowledging that he was wrong and discussing how he could modify his behaviour. I know which approach I’d prefer.

Red flags a-plenty.

But...he could just be over enthusiastic and besotted with you and misguidedly thought he was doing a nice thing with the cupcakes - it’s the sort of big gesture that people swoon over in films. He could be trying to be Mr Rom Com and hasn’t thought about the implications properly. This is giving him the very large benefit of the doubt and to be honest I don’t actually think it’s the case, but if you wanted to give him one more chance and explain exactly why you were upset with his behaviour, then you would probably see within 3 weeks whether he is capable of taking it on board or not.

benevolentassassin · 16/06/2019 09:15

PS and yes, it is way way too early for him to meet your kids - you are absolutely right.

Lockcodger · 16/06/2019 09:20

I agree with previous PP, so many red flags. He is love bombing and fast forwarding you which is why you feel so attached only 10 weeks in. His plan is working! Narcissists start as very good listeners so you tell them all about your past and triggers to use against you at a later point. He is already using your past relationship against you by his comment when you try to assert your boundaries. Please dont give him one more chance as deep down you know you are trying to prove that gut feeling you have right now wrong by seeing him again. I've been there, done it and I promise you will live to regret it.

My ex narc overstepped my boundaries regularly by sending me extravagant gifts and flowers to work which I told him I didn't find flattering and I was embarrassed by it. He repeatedly ignored my boundaries and blamed my past for me being 'defensive and cold'. I ended the relationship and he proceeded to stalk and harrass me and then told the police I was blackmailing him for 10k to drop the charges. Run from this guy, but carefully as I will bet he will become aggressive and stalkerish within a few weeks of ending it.

He will not be good to your children in the end. It's all fake and you need to protect them from this man!